Mighty Aphrodite Page #10

- Oh, I don't have an umbrella.

I met a guy this afternoon that I think

would be absolutely great for you.

- Perfect.

- For me?

- Yes. He's young,

he's strong, he's healthy.

- What does he do?

H-H-He's, you know, like,

dicking around in agriculture.

What's wrong with his dick?

No, no, no, he's a farmer.

The guy's a farmer.

- You met a farmer?

- Yeah, an onion farmer. It's great.

- Where?

- At the gym.

What the hell is an onion farmer

doing at the gym?

He's-- He's f-finishing a-a-a

very productive career as a boxer.

A boxer? Oh, Lenny.

No, he's-- Look, he doesn't

want to be a boxer anymore.

H-He's-- He wants to meet

the right girl and be a farmer.

- Don't look at me.

- He's per-- His brother has

a big onion farm upstate.

Just think of it.

It'd be so great.

A small town, and you're-- y-you're

hairdressing and, and raising kids.

What small town?

- Wampsville.

- Where?

Wampsville.

It's an old Indian name.

I-I-It's a place rich

in American heritage.

Are you off

your f***ing rocker?

I'm gonna go marry an onion farmer

and do hair in Wimpsville?

Wampsville,

not Wimpsville.

It's so perfect.

He's a nice, sweet guy.

Oh, come on. Forget it.

He's perfect, though.

He's bright-- You'll think he's bright.

- He is a f***ing onion farmer.

- That's okay.

He's a nice kid.

More important, he's honest and decent.

And don't offer to give him a blow job

in the first five minutes,

- 'cause he thinks you're a hairdresser.

- You lied?

- I--

- You shouldn't lie.

Just do what I'm telling you.

Just listen to me for once.

I'm off the girls,

Lenny.

I mean, the last girl I was with

cheated me out of all my dough, man.

I'm telling you, this is a nice kid,

Kevin. She's nice.

-This the hairdresser you told me about?

-This is the hairdresser.

I gave you a big buildup.

This girl could have her

pick of any guy she wants.

- I said good things about you.

- What'd you tell her?

I told her you were handsome,

a good-looking guy;

that you're a great athlete;

that you're gifted, bright.

- You didn't lie.

- Would I lie? Of course not.

You told her I could fight?

I told her, but

what touches her heart...

is that you want

to be a farmer.

This is a girl that has a love

of the soil, I promise you.

Onions. Onions.

My brother's got an onion farm.

I wanna go back up there 'cause I

wanna get the hell outta this city.

That's perfect! You mention onions

to Linda, she goes crazy!

She goes nuts, you say "onion."

You say "onion" to Linda,

the girl is just--

All right, all right,

all right, all right, all right.

That's her name?

Linda?

Linda. It's a pretty name.

What are you so, so, so standoffish--

- Is that with an "E-R" or a "U-R"?

- Is what with an "E-R" or--

- "Linder"?

- Linda. Linda with an "A." Linda.

- Oh.

- She's a great kid.

And she's

a substantial woman.

This is not a dumb girl.

This girl has got a PhD i-i-in...

root and follicle culture.

- And she's pretty, right?

- To die. She's to die.

'Cause that's important.

'Cause I've been stung.

The last girl I was with

drove me up the wall, man.

- She made my stomach

sick to the stomach.

- Linda is church people.

- That's what I want.

I want a church girl.

- She's great.

I want a nice church girl; I don't want

one of these fast New York sluts.

I want a nice, homely girl

who likes to raise a family

and dogs and that kind of thing.

Can I say two words to you?

Can I say two words?

Butter churn. Okay?

Butter churn.

This is a pioneer girl.

This is a girl who is practically,

incidentally, a virgin.

What do you mean,

"practically"?

I wanna level with you-- sh-she's slept

with one or two guys in her life.

An old college professor...

a-a-and her childhood

sweetheart.

But both of them were killed

in combat for their nation.

- It's a sad story.

- A professor got killed in combat?

Humanities regiment.

You know, they were the first ones

to land at Anzio. I'm telling you--

You said she was an actress?

She's been in some films?

-She's had a couple of good roles, yeah.

-She's ever been in anything I seen?

Hey-- You didn't see

Schindler's List?

No, no, no-- T-That was-- That was--

That was the one with the Jews and, um--

- Who were the bad guys?

- The blond guys were the Nazis.

- They were tough motherfuckers.

- Yeah, all right.

I'm telling you, this is a good girl.

She's wonderful.

He's playing God.

It would be nice

if he could bring this off.

It's hubris!

He spent a lot of time

preparing her.

Listen, have you, uh--

given any more thought

to what we discussed?

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

I mean-- Look, the problem is, I don't

know how I feel anymore; I'm confused.

- I--

- Listen, Amanda, I love you.

Yeah?

You're never gonna be able to forgive

yourself if you don't give it a try.

Kevin.

This is Linda.

Linda, this is, uh--

This is Kevin.

- How you doin'?

- Hi.

So--

I'll go and-- I just wanted to

bring you guys together, you know.

You know, you could

maybe stick around, maybe.

You know, we could

go out or somethin'.

- Yeah.

- No, no. I'm completely superfluous.

Oh, you don't feel good?

No, I'm superfluous.

I'm completely unnecessary.

You guys can have a great time

and I'll-- I got stuff to do, you know.

- I got these for you.

- What are these, daisies?

- Uh--

- That's great.

That's nice.

Yeah-- Ye-- Yeah.

I thought you said

that he was a farmer.

Well, he is-- He's a farmer.

- I know they're not onions.

- Daisies make me sneeze, Lenny.

Come here a minute.

Excuse us one second.

They're beautiful flowers. Tell him

they're beautiful and enjoy yourself.

- I could hold the flowers.

- I know, but they just make me sneeze.

- She sneezes with flowers.

That's good luck if you sneeze.

- I'll hold the flowers.

- Thanks.

- Go ahead, have fun. I'll see you guys.

I'm gonna go.

Take care.

So, y-- you're pretty.

Uh-- He's...

tellin' the truth.

- You're really...

- Oh.

pretty.

- Thanks. You're not so bad yourself.

- Yeah, I know.

I bet you're hung

like a horse.

- Yeah, I can ride a horse.

- Yeah?

You know, my brother's got a farm,

you know. I love animals.

I like animals. He's got a farm up there

with the ducks and the pigs and, um--

Oh, yeah.

In Wisconsin.

Wampsville.

Yeah. How long

were you doin' hair?

- That's right, 'cause you

were doin' the acting, right?

- Yeah.

- That's right. I didn't

get to see Schindler's List.

- Me neither.

But what were some of the other films

you were in?

Well, I did

The Enchanted, uh--

- Salad.

- The Enchanted Salad?

What was that about?

Is it good?

Yeah, it was really good.

It was about a waitress.

Yeah.

- I had a really good time

with you tonight.

- Did you?

- Yeah.

- Really? Me too.

Yeah, you're really good

at arcade games, you know.

Well, I used to date

a pinball champ, not for nothing.

Pinball ch-- Was it, like,

a serious relationship?

Well, we were getting engaged,

but then two guys strangled him.

Oh.

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