Mighty Aphrodite Page #6

not want to meet him nohow.

"Stop bothering me, creep,"

was her cutting declaration.

Then she used the "F" word.

Agonized, he called again, offering

her abundant financial compensation...

just for a brief chat.

But she bade him get off her back

and slammed the phone down.

Finally, in doldrums mixed

with much anxiety,

he stood watch

outside her apartment...

and waited until such a time as he did

spot her heading for the laundromat.

- Oh, my God!

- Okay, don't get upset or anything.

- I just thought we could have lunch.

- Why me?

- I'll pay for your time.

I just want to speak to you.

- All right!

What are you, some kind

of f***ing pervert who--

Leave me alone. I'm not--

I'm not one of those psychopaths...

that kills prostitutes,

I promise you.

- Why would you ever say

something like that?

- I'm joking. I'm joking.

Listen, in my work, I have to keep

an eye out for strange individuals.

- Okay.

- I knew a girl that got killed.

All right. Hey,

I got you some flowers. Here.

I got you some flowers.

Let's have lunch. I'll pay for it.

I'll pay for your time.

I just wanna talk to you.

So then my mother married

my third father.

I mean, I don't know if she

married him, but he moved in.

We didn't get along.

He was a disgusting drunk.

What about your hereditary

father? Your actual, actual--

Oh, he was a drug pusher

and he was also a car thief.

He picked pockets and, you know,

he burgled and stuff.

- And he was an epileptic.

- Uh-huh. You haven't left

anything out, right?

- Mail fraud!

- Oh, mail fraud. Oh, okay, yeah.

- That's what they caught him on.

- Uh-huh.

Hey, you got an appetite

like a lumberjack.

Oh. Well, thank you.

Oh, it's fine.

Eat all you want.

I'm very hungry, actually.

Um, so then I ran away when I was 14.

Mm-hmm.

And I went away with

this musician named Johnny.

And it was terrible because

we fought all the time, Lenny.

Finally,

he committed suicide.

And for years I thought it

was because of my cooking.

He always hated my clam sauce.

And so then I kicked around

from Chicago, Philadelphia, you know.

All over the place.

And I ended up here.

You never thought of

just getting a regular job?

Oh, yeah. Sure, I did.

No, I did things.

I waited on tables. I worked

in a massage parlor. I did phone sex.

Now and then I would, you know, turn a

few tricks in order to make some dough.

And one day my friend Susie calls me and

she asks me if I want to be in a film.

Something called Snatch Happy.

And I said, "Sure."

And I remember

I was very nervous...

because I'd never done it in front of

people with a camera before, you know.

And so there I am on the first day,

on the set.

And there's this guy

f***ing me from behind, right?

And there's these two huge guys dressed

like cops in my mouth at the same time.

And I remember

thinking to myself,

"I like acting. I wanna study."

Yes, well.

It's a-- It's a--

That's one way

of getting into the profession.

Um, tell me about

your family a little bit.

What? I told you already.

You could write a book by now.

But, but were there

any unusual members?

- Very bright ones or brilliant

or talented or something.

- Mmm! Yes!

- I'm sorry. There was.

- Mmm.

My father's brother

was supposed to be a genius.

I never met him, but everybody

said he was brilliant.

- Really? What did he do?

- He was a serial rapist.

He spent his whole life in jail.

But if he had gone straight,

he might have been very good in math.

- Good in math. Well, that's--

- Yeah.

I think I got

my intelligence from him,

because everybody else in the family

is all slugs and lowlifes.

- I'm the only one with any ambition.

- Are you?

And you never-- never

had a drive to get married?

What for?

They're all a**holes.

One of them used to

beat me up.

Another one used to f***

my best friend when I wasn't looking.

- It was sickening.

- Really.

And-- And let me

ask you this.

At any point in your life

did you ever think, like,

"Maybe I'd like

to have a child"?

Um, I-l did have

a child once.

- Did you?

- Ah, it was a sad story.

I'll tell you some other time

when I know you better.

If I ever know you better.

Are you free this afternoon?

- Why?

- You have some free time

this afternoon?

- Are you finally in the mood, Lenny?

- No, no, no, no, no.

I wanna--

I have an assignment.

But I thought you might wanna come

with me, 'cause I think you'll enjoy it.

I'm gonna bet on a horse,

and if it wins you can keep the dough.

Here's one. "Eager Beaver."

I once did a film

called Beaver Patrol...

about these Boy Scouts who find

drunk Girl Scouts in the woods.

And they take them into a cabin

and they reach into their packs

and they pull out these d*ldos.

- And then--

- All right, all right. Okay, we'll--

Y-You're sure you want

to bet on Eager Beaver?

- 'Cause it's a 60-to-1.

- Oh, yeah. No, I know it's the one. No!

- But it's 60-to-1.

- It's a sign. I know it's gonna work.

All right, all right.

Famous last words.

- You know.

- I got a hunch.

- You got a hunch. Okay.

Sure, we'll bet on it.

- Yeah.

Okay. So if he wins,

how much do I make?

At 60-to-1?

Uh... you make, uh, $3,000.

Oh, my God! I could get that blue

chinchilla coat that I wanted!

- You could get anything you want.

- I could get a Jacuzzi.

- Except he's not gonna win.

- Oh, no, I know what I could do, Lenny!

- Oh, my God! This is great.

- Mm-hmm.

All right. You know,

I hope-- I hope you're right.

There's a reason the horse is 60-to-1,

though. He's probably got polio.

Oh, no, no. No.

This is a sign.

- All right.

- My luck is gonna change.

- So is your real name Linda?

Is that your actual name?

- I use a lot of names.

My born name is Leslie, but I like

to use names that have nice meanings.

You know, like Mary,

for the Virgin Mary.

Or Angel or Linda,

which means "pretty" in Spanish.

- But my screen name's Judy Cum.

- Mm-hmm.

Well, lucky there's not a horse

with that name in the race...

- 'cause we'd bet on him.

- Oh, no, no, no.

I mean, my attorney friend

would take that under advisement.

- Mm-hmm.

- I got exclusive rights to that name.

All right, all right,

all right. Yeah.

So let me ask you

a question.

Are you ever frightened that when a guy

comes over your house and pays you...

that he's gonna maybe,

like tie you up and kill you?

Oh, no. I always

get paid in advance.

- Come on.

- Eager Beaver. He's paying.

- Paid in advance? That's--

Lenny.

- They're

coming down to the finish.

- Come on, Beaver!

- It's Autumn Daisy and Enmity.

- Come on! Catch up!

- Eager Beaver continues to drop back.

- Oh, sh*t! Oh, Beaver!

- Autumn Daisy and Enmity. It's close.

- Beaver! Come on, Beaver!

- Oh! Beaver!

- It's Autumn Daisy by a head.

- Sh*t! Last?

- Enmity finishing second...

- and Lower The Flag finishing third,

- Stupid horse got-- Damn it!

- followed by Marcy's Pride,

True Blue Crew, Classic Alert,

- I had it spent already!

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