Miss Nobody Page #5

his trusty steed

And save

fair damsel nell

With such an incredible

line of horseshit

Even charmaine'd buy it.

Tah-dah!

Morty wickham

had been flown in

To help me get a handle

on my new job in p.R.

He'd been jejeune's protege.

Morty had been passed over

for jejeune's job

On account of

a minor drug habit.

( shudders ) ooh.

I didn't have to worry

about him hitting on me.

I wasn't his type.

You getting

this down?

I'm typing as fast

as I can.

Morty, you're the one

with the charisma.

You give the speech.

Oh, nonsense.

You're charming

and fresh-faced.

Besides, if you need help,

I'll be right in the front row.

Don't you sweat it, baby.

I've got your back.

Every year,

our company sponsored

the halldice conference.

Top executives flew in

from all over the country.

We presented

our newest products,

Laid out marketing strategies

for them by day,

And interns by night.

It was my big debut

as head of p.R.,

My chance to make

a good impression,

To be taken seriously,

Not just some

other blonde bimbo

Trying to get ahead.

Judge would be the first

to promote homeopathic bandages

Saturated with honey

instead of antibiotics,

Which would occupy

a place

In every medicine cabinet

in every home

Across america.

Honey-soaked band-aids?

Gee, folks, sounds

kind of strange to me.

Um, is there a problem,

mr. Wickham?

Yes, miss mckinney.

Excuse me, sarah.

Prescriptive antibiotics

Are this company's bread

and butter.

Are you really proposing

that we forsake

Our loyal doctors

and hospitals

For some touch-me,

feel-me, granola-inspired

Do-it-yourself kit?

"gee, doc, tommy's got

a flesh-eating virus."

"buy a honey-soaked band-aid."

( laughing )

"gee, doc, little buffy's chemo

spiked a fever."

"apply two honey-soaked

gauze pads

And call me

in the morning."

I mean, come on, people!

Not only is this ludicrous,

It's idiotic!

I mean, what the hell

is honey anyway?

Bee vomit!

I think st. George

would agree.

Morty had not been

very chivalrous.

( cartoon

soundtrack playing )

( gas hissing )

( laughing )

( explosion )

This just in--

a tragic fire broke out

In the boroughs

this evening

When a faulty gas line

erupted.

Firefighters wrestled

with that blaze

For over an hour before

getting it under control.

Unfortunately, the fire

did claim the life

Of the homeowner, identified

as mortimer j. Wickham,

A rising executive

with judge pharmaceuticals.

In other news tonight...

Hey!

Did you guys hear that?

News said some,

uh, exec from judge

Just bit the dust--

mortimer wickham.

Morty? Are you kidding?

Char and I

worked with him.

Not anymore. Gas leak

blew him to bits.

That makes four.

Four?

Yeah, beeber, wilder,

jejeune... Now morty.

Well, I heard that

they were all accidents.

Four accidental deaths

in ten months?

So, what are you saying,

john, I mean, we're jinxed?

All I'm saying is

statistically speaking--

Doesn't add up.

Maybe we shouldn't

go back to work. I mean--

No, no, no.

Yours truly is

on the case.

As soon as I get

a handle on this

jejeune thing,

I'll know

what's what.

However...

Just maybe, the three of you

are gonna die...

From dancing.

Come on, baby.

When I was four years old,

I was scared of my own shadow.

You were?

Yeah, crying

every day and night,

And my old man, right,

Big porterhouse of

a cop, he says to me,

"hey, billy boy,

we're going to florida,

"and you'd better be

ready to fly.

Any crying,

there's gonna be trouble."

So, for six

incredibly long days,

I was completely terrified.

Because you were sure

you were going to cry.

Because I didn't

know how to fly.

( sighs )

You know, sarah jane...

People aren't

who they seem to be.

All the garbage,

all the lies

A cop has to deal with?

Sometimes I feel like

I'm still trying

To grow those wings,

rise above it all.

Bill, do you think

I'll ever fly above

the clouds?

You stick with me, kid.

I'll fly you to the moon.

Or put you in jail.

( laughing )

( door opens )

So...

( laughs ) sarah jane,

it was a real pleasure.

Bill, it was

a real pleasure, too.

All right. You sleep as snug

as a bug in a rug, okay?

Bill.

Listen, sarah jane,

I'm an old-fashioned guy,

Okay, and when

the time is right,

we're both gonna know it.

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah yeah yeah.

In the meantime, you just

keep flirting with me.

Night.

Good night.

( sighs ) me, I would've

jumped his bones,

Cop or no cop.

Mom--

( bill's door closes )

( urinating )

Oh, mr. Ketchum!

Uh, I'm okay.

( sighs ) oh, crap.

( thuds )

( heart monitor beeping )

Fairly serious stroke.

We're doing everything we can.

Try not to worry.

Worry? If it was up to me,

I'd let the old turd

break his neck months ago.

Mom!

I can't believe he's getting by

on just his social security.

Mom, will you

just stop it!

When you're off

having your fancy lunches,

I'm home all goddamn day...

That wheezing

sounds quite deep.

...Boiling his vegetables,

dirty underwear, and sheets...

See me after.

I'm fine, doc.

I said see me after!

...Change his diapers?

No f***ing way!

Mrs. Mckinney, is

this about the bill?

The bill? Doctor, it's 5:00

in the f***ing morning.

I got pee puddles

all over my goddamn house!

Um, mrs. Mckinney,

I'm working open shifts now.

I might be able

to help you out some.

Thanks.

Yeah.

( wheezing )

It's true,

I couldn't breathe.

Breathe?

( wheezes )

Was it because I was scared

of falling in love?

Arms up.

Breathe.

Did I fear

being hurt again?

Or was it because

of those--?

Cough.

( coughs )

the things I'd done.

See, doctor,

it's nothing.

Mm-hmm.

Tell me, have you

been anxious lately?

Holding something in?

I'm a little tired.

You can put

your arms down.

No problems in the workplace,

people stressing you out?

Hmm-mm.

Because asthma can be

emotional in origin,

Sort of

a chain reaction thing.

I'm prescribing

a new medication for you.

( cabinet opens )

Foururadol.

But it is not--

And I can't emphasize

this enough--

It is not to be mixed

with aspirin products.

Gotcha. No aspirini,

no problimi.

Combining the two

can be lethal.

Huh.

You know, sarah jane,

All those people dying

at your work's got me thinking.

Yeah, bill?

What about?

I mean, four execs

in ten months?

It's like johnny said,

the odds of that happening...

I don't know if you ever

heard of some gay guy

Being blown up

in his own house,

Or some idiot

being electrocuted

Bare-ass on

a xerox machine.

I looked it up.

No one's been hit

by a train in years.

( screaming in film )

I mean, isn't it just

a bit coincidental

That beeber's phone records

show him text-messaging wilder

The very same night

he died?

But you never found

miss wilder's cell

phone, right?

No, actually, I did.

On the subway tracks.

It was all mashed up.

Still, the, uh, lab thinks

they can recover the chip.

And another thing--

death by umbrella?

That doesn't strike

you as strange?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes