Monkeybone Page #17

HYPNOS:

Easy, pal! I was coming to congratulate you. It

ain't easy snatching one of those E-tickets.

Steve here was the last guy to pull it off, and

that musta been, what, 25 years ago...?

STU:

Why'd you do it? What'd I ever do to you?!?

HYPNOS:

It's simple, Stu. We need nightmares - lots of

'em. So whenever we can swing it, we send a guy

up to stimulate the flow...a nightmare maker!

Like Steve here. Poe. Rasputin...we've been

doing this all the way back to Atilla and

Genghis Khan!

STU:

But why me? Why'd you pick on me??

HYPNOS:

The monkey, of course. It was his idea.

STU:

Monkeybone...!?

HYPNOS:

Nobody wants to be a sidekick, Stu. So one day

he comes to us - he's got a proposition. We help

him get your body...in return he gives us all

the nightmares we want.

STU:

You're nuts! I'm a comic strip artist! What's he

gonna do - draw really scary cartoons??

HYPNOS:

Oh, no, no, no. Y'see, Stu, as it happens, that

girlfriend of yours figured out the chemical

basis of bad dreams. And she just whipped up a

big old batch of nightmare juice!

STU's face goes white as he realizes the point of the master plan.

HYPNOS:

Oh, we're predicting a record box-office. It's

like I always say...nightmares are your best

entertainment!

HYPNOS marches off, chuckling. STU's head sinks into his hands.

EXT. STU AND JULIE'S HOUSE - DAY

STU's back from the hospital. JULIE is removing his bags from the trunk

of KIMMY's car while STU and KIMMY chat in the front seat.

KIMMY:

I just couldn't stand the thought of you

suffering. I love you so, I would never have...

forgive me, Stu. Please forgive me.

STU-BONE

Kimmy. Chill. We've still got a pact. If

anything ever happens to you, I'll be right

there to return the favor.

(baring his teeth)

So drive carefully! From now on.

He climbs out. KIMMY is so rattled that she smacks bumpers with the car

parked in front of her. She PEELS OUT with the hand brake still on.

INT. STU & JULIE'S HOUSE - DAY

STU-BONE and JULIE enter with luggage. He stands there for a moment

scoping out the unfamiliar surroundings. She sets the bags down, taps

him on the shoulder.

JULIE:

Welcome home.

STU-BONE grins insipidly. She kisses him, pulls him into a tight embrace

- and then, overwhelmed by emotion, begins to SOB.

JULIE:

Oh, baby, I can't believe you're back.

STU-BONE

Home sweet home, huh? Actually, I was expecting

something a little swankier. How much loot does

old Stu rake in, anyway?

She gives him an extremely puzzled look.

STU-BONE

Meaning me, of course. I'm referring to myself.

You have to assume Monkeybone would be a pretty

lucrative franchise...

JULIE:

Baby? Why don't you just...rest on the sofa for

a minute. I'll be right back.

She goes into the kitchen as STU-BONE plops onto the sofa. He spies a

bowl of FRESH FRUIT on the coffee table and immediately tries to pick up

a banana with his FOOT.

But he can't. He's got shoes on. Frowning, he unties his shoe, peels off

his sock. His bare foot is in the fruit bowl when JULIE returns from the

kitchen with a TRAY holding a chocolate cake and the bottle of CHAMPAGNE

Stu bought three months ago. The cake bears the message "WELCOME HOME -

I LOVE YOU" in pink icing.

She sits beside him with the goodies. He removes his foot from the bowl,

crosses his legs, WIGGLES HIS TOES at her. She smiles uncertainly. Then

she opens the bottle of champagne and pours two flutes full.

JULIE:

Here's to a bottle...we should have opened...

three months ago.

She finishes pouring, hands a flute to STU-BONE. His face is smeared

with CAKE and ICING. He's scooped out a big fistful and crammed it right

into his pie hole. He GRINS at her.

STU-BONE

Bitchin' good cake.

JULIE:

Stu, are you...feeling okay?

STU-BONE

Sure. Why?

JULIE:

You're acting kind of...odd.

STU-BONE

(grabbing another fistful)

In what way?

Then:
we hear TINY NAILS skittering across the hardwood floors at high

speed. And BUSTER THE DOG races into the living room!

JULIE:

Buster! Look who's here!

STU-BONE tenses instinctively. The dog is yipping, wagging his tail

insanely at the sight of his long-lost master - until he gets just a

little bit closer, and senses that something is very, very wrong.

BUSTER sizes STU-BONE up and GROWLS. STU-BONE bares his teeth and

HISSES. The dog LUNGES - and STU-BONE jumps up on the sofa!

STU-BONE

Oh sh*t, the cake!

He bends down, snatches up the cake, and CRADLES IT under one arm as he

KICKS AT BUSTER from the sofa.

STU-BONE

Mine. Get back! MINE!!

The frazzled JULIE pours herself another jolt of champagne - a stiff

one.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

SOUNDS of JULIE taking a shower in the adjacent bathroom o.s.

STU-BONE is sprawled in bed, pillows propped up behind him, flipping

channels on the bedroom TV with his trusty remote. The Discovery Channel

happens to be showing a Jane Goodall special...

NARRATOR (on TV)

The mating rituals of the African silverback are

as rigidly formalized as those of any animal we

know - with the possible exception of man.

Onscreen a FEMALE GORILLA is presenting her furry haunches to an ALPHA

MALE.

STU-BONE watches this erotic spectacle with a connoisseur's eye. He

glances over at the open bathroom door and catches a teasing glimpse of

JULIE'S SHADOW as she steps out of the shower and pulls on a robe. He

SCRATCHES and SNIFFS, just to put himself in the mood.

On TV:
MONKEY FOREPLAY, which consists of a pounce from behind.

NARRATOR (on TV)

In the wild, a dominant chimpanzee male is

likely to engage in sex numerous times

throughout the day, with a shockingly wide

variety of -

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