Monkeybone Page #18

STU-BONE mutes the nature special and sneaks up behind JULIE just as she

emerges from the bathroom in her robe and towel-turban.

JULIE:

What are you watching?

STU-BONE

Ohhh, nothing.

She tries to pass, but he grabs the belt of her robe and spins her

around. He delicately unwraps the turban, then opens her robe and pulls

it closed around the two of them. They kiss...

JULIE:

You sure this is...medically advisable?

STU-BONE

Got a doctor on duty.

JULIE:

Well. As long as it's okay with Monkeybone -

STU-BONE almost lets out a gasp of shock. What does she mean???

JULIE:

(glancing downward)

- which it seems to be.

STU-BONE does a take. The good news is, she doesn't suspect. The bad

news is, he's apparently named after his creator's penis.

INT. HALLWAY - A MOMENT LATER

All at once the air is full of Barry White's lush baritone on the

bedroom CD player. Through the bedroom doorway we see STU-BONE and JULIE

waltzing romantically, belly to belly, still wrapped up in the single

robe.

The only jarring note is BUSTER'S FRANTIC BARKING. The poor dog is stuck

behind an accordion gate in the hall, going crazy, trying to warn his

mistress about the imposter in STU's body. The dog is almost drowning

out Barry White -

- so STU-BONE stops kissing JULIE long enough to reach over with one

foot and KICK THE DOOR SHUT.

INT. BEDROOM - A MOMENT LATER

JULIE watches from the bed as STU-BONE begins peeling off his PJ's,

going into a bizarrely formalized MONKEY MATING DANCE. He circles back

and forth from one side of the bed to the other, making faces, grunting,

FEINTING at her occasionally.

JULIE has some dim sense that this ritual is supposed to be erotic, but

in fact, it's making her damned nervous. She finds herself scrunching up

on the bed, trying to keep out of STU-BONE's way.

Now he LEAPS UP onto the foot of the bed. REARS BACK. And with an animal

howl of triumph, POUNCES AT JULIE!

Terrified, she rolls out of the way. STU-BONE'S SKULL slams into the

headboard.

JULIE:

Oh, God!! Baby! Are you -

Dazed, he sits up. He tries to stand, but his rubbery legs give way, and

he pitches over - CRACKING HIS SKULL AGAIN on the nightstand.

EXT. HALLWAY - A MOMENT LATER

JULIE helps a punchdrunk, staggering STU to the stairway.

STU:

How was it? I don't recall.

JULIE:

It was great, baby. Let's get you to the ER.

As they pass, BUSTER lets out a little growl of satisfaction from behind

his gate. HOLD ON THE DOG's satisfied expression as STU-BONE loses his

balance and topples down the stairs O.S.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. DUNGEON - NIGHT

RASPUTIN, ATILLA, JACK THE RIPPER and STEPHEN KING are engrossed in

their weekly Parcheesi game. STU is clinging to the bars, bemoaning his

fate.

STU:

I'm not like the rest of you. I'm just a regular

guy! I'm not a "nightmare maker."

RASPUTIN:

Neither are we. We got our bodies hijacked just

like you. The guys who replaced us are the

nightmare makers!

ATTILA:

Like me. I was a mess sergeant in the Mongol

Horde. I never wanted to be the Scourge of Asia.

I just wanted a new recipe for yak!

JACK THE RIPPER:

I was Jack the Haberdasher.

STU:

But how? Did you all have sidekicks? Figments?

...Monkeys??

STEPHEN KING:

Hey, I got screwed over by my own dog. Go

through hell to get that E-ticket, and who winds

up in my body? That darn Cujo.

TYPHOID MARY runs past, GIGGLING, pursued by a huffing HITCHCOCK.

RASPUTIN:

He's sure got a thing for those icy blondes.

KAZOOS SOUND. The RAT GUARD appears to announce:

RAT GUARD:

Miley. You got a visitor.

STU:

...Kitty?!?

At the sight of STU behind bars, she breaks down CRYING.

KITTY:

I'm so sorry, Stu. I wanted to tell you what was

going on. I really, really liked you.

STU:

Kitty...my situation is really not important.

The thing is, my girlfriend is now living with,

and possibly engaged to, a demented monkey.

KITTY:

You're such a beautiful man. Look at you - stuck

in this place, and only thinking of her.

STU:

Listen to me! Is there any way I can warn her

what Monkeybone is up to??

RAT GUARD:

Time's up! Break it up, you two.

The RAT GUARD pushes STU back with a prod. KITTY reaches out...

KITTY:

No! Give me a moment. Just to look at him. Oh,

Stu. Oh, my sweet, sweet Stu.

As she gazes at him, love struck, the overhead PANEL opens and a deluge

of CRUD from the Morpheum lands directly on STU.

RAT GUARD:

Feeding time!

KITTY BAWLS inconsolably as the RAT GUARD leads her away.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

STU-BONE in pajamas and a head bandage, reading the morning funnies. He

pounds the table, practically WEEPING with hilarity at the MONKEYBONE

COMIC STRIP.

STU-BONE

Priceless! Priceless! This stuff just kills me!

JULIE:

I'm heading in to work, baby. Are you sure

you'll be okay?

STU-BONE

Oh yeah. There's just one thing I don't get.

"Monkeybone Creator Awakens from Coma" that's a

big story! That's front page news! But I can't

find a word of coverage in this stinkin' rag!

(shuffling through the paper)

Hey. Don't I have a TV show?

JULIE:

They only made the one episode. They've shown it

about nineteen times.

STU-BONE

I need a new PR guy.

JULIE grins, plants a goodbye smooch on his forehead, and exits. He

waits a minute, then reaches for the PHONE.

WIPE TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING

The house is crawling with PRESS. There must be three dozen REPORTERS

and PHOTOGRAPHERS and TV CREWS hanging on STU­BONE's every pronouncement.

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