Monkeybone Page #19

STU-BONE

Yes, being in a coma taught Stu Miley a thing or

two about life. Buckle your seat belts, for one.

But seriously, Stu Miley is a different man

today. I'm much homier.

The front door opens. A stunned JULIE pushes her way inside...

STU-BONE

And speaking of which, here's the light of my

life, the pert and saucy Miss Julie McElroy.

JULIE:

I had to park two blocks away. Is something -

He pulls her to his side for a photo op. FLASHBULBS go off.

STU:

I took the liberty of calling a little press

conference. We're on TV, so don't say "sh*t."

­(covering his mouth)

Sh*t! I said it. Sh*t! I said it again!

REPORTER:

Stu, what is it about Monkeybone that makes him

so popular?

STU-BONE

Well, it's partly that he punctures all the

phony pretensions of our modern society...and

it's partly that he's a breathtakin',

heartbreakin', rump-shakin' sex machine!

(beat)

Ask these gentlemen here. They're an important

cog in my media machine. They'll be doing six

new episodes of the Monkeybone show under my

personal supervision.

He pauses for a photo op with MIKE CACHUELA and MIKE MITCHELL.

STU-BONE

It's all synergy. The show synergizes the strip,

which synergizes the merchandising, which

synergizes the religion, which synergizes the

Barbara Walters special; and then, baby, we are

all in the United Empire of Monkeybonia.

INT. KITCHEN - THAT MOMENT - LATE AFTERNOON

JULIE squeezes through the crowd, finds HERB working the phone.

HERB:

I tell you, he's ready to merchandise. We've

gotta move quickly. Get the toy guys, the burger

guys, the lunchbox guys -

JULIE:

Herb...what in God's name -

HERB holds up a finger. He's too busy talking. STU-BONE enters with the

video crew in tow. JULIE somehow manages to sideline him.

JULIE:

What's this about merchandising? You always

hated merchandising!

STU-BONE

Well, baby, I do, but to look at it from another

angle...there's a potload of money here.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. STREET - DAY

SUPERCHARGED POP MUSIC underneath as STU-BONE comes running around a

corner - followed, a moment later, by a SCREAMING HORDE of BEAUTIFUL

GROUPIES in black miniskirts and high heels. It's like something out of

A Hard Day's Night, only more so.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

TIGHT on STU-BONE, head still bandaged, eyes closed, SNORING slightly.

He wears a big monkey grin as he DREAMS the above.

EXT. STREET - DAY

A CARLOAD OF SUPERMODELS. They kill their engine in the middle of a busy

intersection and climb out to join the mob chasing STU-BONE.

He cuts around a corner, ducks into an alley, and FLATTENS HIMSELF

behind a dumpster. As the girls run past, he pulls out a handkerchief

and MOPS SWEAT from his brow.

Then, with a what-the-hell twinkle, he steps out and FLINGS HIS SWEATY

HANKIE into the midst of the GROUPIES. A CATFIGHT ensues as they

scramble after this precious memento. The chase resumes.

Suddenly he realizes he's SLOWING DOWN...running in SLO-MO. Same deal

with the girls on his trail. After a moment, he FREEZES. He can't move

anything except his EYES; he looks right, left, up, down...

...and suddenly he sees HYPNOS winking into view directly in front of

him! HYPNOS is perfectly capable of moving. He strolls right up to the

frozen STU-BONE and SLAPS HIM REPEATEDLY, Moe Howard-style.

HYPNOS:

You two-bit simian stooge. WHAT THE HELL IS

THIS? We didn't send you up here to shake your

booty and chase broads. We sent you up to make

nightmares!!

STU-BONE tries to speak. All that comes out is a slo-mo DRAWL.

HYPNOS:

Now find that nightmare juice and get to work.

'Cause you may be a free man during the day...

but when you dream, your monkey ass is mine!

He winds up - throws a ROUNDHOUSE PUNCH at STU-BONE'S FACE.

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

STU-BONE sits up suddenly in bed. For a moment he's relieved - it was

all a dream. Then he realizes his FACE is swelling like a

prizefighter's. His front tooth is loose. BLOOD is streaming from his

nose!

STU-BONE

Eep!

INT. DOWNSTAIRS HALLWAY - NIGHT

He's awake, fully dressed, and fishing around in the pocket of JULIE's

topcoat. He finds her KEY RING and tiptoes furtively to the front door.

STU-BONE

Friggin' Hypnos. I'll show him...

INT. SLEEP LAB - NIGHT

He unlocks the door and enters the darkened lab. Finds the dispensary

area and kneels beside a LOCKED REFRIGERATOR. Then he shuffles through

the keys on the ring until he finds one labelled "FRIDGE."

On the top shelf is a corked beaker of purple fluid bearing the label

"ONEIRIX" with red DANGER stickers all over it. STU-BONE takes it out,

flashes a sinister grin, and EMPTIES ITS CONTENTS into a similar beaker.

Then he refills the original from a hip flask and replaces it.

He's just about to leave when he's startled by a series of SIMIAN GRUNTS

and SQUEAKS - which are TRANSLATED in SUBTITLE:

FEMALE BABOON:

Hey, handsome.

He turns and spots a SEDUCTIVE FEMALE BABOON who's confmed to a CAGE in

the corner. The conversation continues in MONKEY TALK.

FEMALE BABOON:

Yeah, you. Come here, good-looking.

(beat)

Why don't you let me out of this cage?

STU-BONE

Hey, I'd love to, baby, but...it'd put me in hot

water.

FEMALE BABOON:

(caressing his chin)

I know how to be very, very grateful.

He pulls out a MATCHBOOK and scribbles a number on it.

STU-BONE

Tell you what, angel. When you get out, give me

a call...

A LIGHT goes on suddenly in the outside hallway! STU-BONE tries to dive

for cover, but the FEMALE BABOON grabs him by the belt and pulls him

against the cage.

Startled, he drops the ONEIRIX BEAKER - which rolls out into the hall!

INT. HALLWAY - NIGHT

The beaker CLATTERS LOUDLY as it rolls through the lab door. STU-BONE'S

HANDS grope through the doorway - but the FEMALE BABOON has got him by

the pants leg and won't let go, no matter how much he rattles the cage.

He can't quite pull himself through the door...

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