Monkeybone Page #20

He unbuckles the belt. UNZIPS HIS PANTS. Keeps clawing toward the

beaker. But he still can't quite make it, and the BABOON won't let go.

Now his pants are down around his knees. He keeps wriggling until his

pants legs are entirely INSIDE OUT - and still he can't quite reach the

beaker! His shoes are caught in his pants cuffs! RRRRRIPPPPP...

Freedom! Minus his pants, he GRABS THE BEAKER.

In FG through all this is a dim teenage JANITOR pushing his electric

floor polisher. He has his Walkman on and he can't hear any of the

mayhem behind him. He sings along atonally with the music:

JANITOR:

Gettin' jiggy wit' it - gettin' jiggy wit' it...

INT. BEDROOM - NIGHT

A disheveled STU-BONE, back from his secret mission, is trying to take

his clothes off so he won't wake JULIE. But she starts to rouse, so he

jumps into bed fully dressed and pulls up the covers.

JULIE:

Stu? Is that you? Where did you go?

STU-BONE

Me? Nowhere. I was asleep.

JULIE:

Baby, don't lie. I know you went out.

STU-BONE

Not me. Nope. You must've been dreaming.

She pulls the covers back. He's still wearing his topcoat, shoes, socks,

and shorts...but NO PANTS.

JULIE:

You're wearing a topcoat, Stu. - Where are your

pants?

STU-BONE

Well, Miss Smarty, if I didn't go out, I

wouldn't need any pants. Now would I?

He pulls the covers up to his chin. The two of them lie there in the

dark staring up at the ceiling.

INT. STU'S LIVING ROOM - DAY

The entire Monkeybone brain trust has come to visit: HERB, syndicate

head MR. BOWERS, and several CORPORATE REPS hoping to arrange tie-in

deals. Host STU-BONE has started to take on a simian look: more

prominent ears, flared nostrils, heavy beard stubble, etc.

The BURGER GOD REP sets a tray of FAST FOOD in front of STU-BONE - the

packaging all covered with angelic haloed Monkeybones.

BURGER GOD REP:

As you know, Burger God has 1700 outlets

nationwide...we're prepared to back a major TV

buy to launch our Mega Monkey Meal.

(beat)

Go ahead. Try a bite.

STU-BONE takes a bite out of his Monkeyburger - looks pleased at first -

then begins PICKING something out of his teeth.

HERB:

What's the matter?

STU-BONE

I think it's a pig hair.

(examining a contract)

How much is McDonald's offering?

HERB:

Less.

STU-BONE immediately signs the contract and shakes hands with the BURGER

GOD REP. HERB consults his agenda.

HERB:

Oh, here's something. The city zoo is kicking

off a fund-raising campaign. They wonder if

you'd be willing to appear at a benefit.

STU-BONE

How much?

HERB:

Well, nothing. It's a benefit. But we could

probably get People and Entertainment Tonight to

cover it.

STU-BONE

I get it. We could give the public the

impression that we were doing something...

charitable. Brilliant!!

HERB:

And last...you remember Bill here, from the

Bazoom Toy Company? He's got a little something

I think you'll like.

The TOY REP sets a LOCKBOX on the table. A stencil on the box reads "TOP

SECRET." He pulls out a key and opens it to reveal...

...a tuxedoed, collector's-edition MONKEYBONE DOLL lying on a bed of

CRUSHED PURPLE VELVET. He carefully removes the treasure from its chest.

Its right hand is hinged. The doll's thumb is UP ITS REAR.

BAZOOM TOY REP:

It's a prototype. Code name "Little Jack

Horner." Go on - pull out his thumb.

STU-BONE stares at the doll - cautiously yanks its thumb out. We go to

SLO-MO as the rising arm causes a NOXIOUS AEROSOL SPRAY to shoot out of

Monkeybone's ass!

And we STAY in slo-mo as STU-BONE stares at the doll in wonderment and

awe...a man in looooove.

Still in slo-mo, the EXECS crack up, gag, hold their noses at the awful

stank of it. STU-BONE is the only one not laughing. He reaches out to

touch the doll - to fondle it adoringly -

- and suddenly we're back to REAL-TIME.

BAZOOM TOY REP:

You know kids - they love anything gross...

STU-BONE

Kids? Kids?! This is a work of genius. This is

art. This is the answer to all my prayers!

(beat)

Say - just a technical question - could you fill

these babies up with a particulate solution of

one part chemical enzyme to ten parts water?

BAZOOM EXEC:

Well - I guess...

STU-BONE

Aww righhhhht!

He breaks into RIOTOUS LAUGHTER and begins blasting monkeyfarts at HERB

and the EXECS, who dive for cover under the conference table.

EXT. STU AND JULIE'S HOUSE - DAY

Laughter and back-slapping as STU-BONE walks his guests to their cars.

STU:

So here's my idea. We do a giveaway at the zoo

benefit. We get a big piñata. We fill it with

Monkeybone dolls - hundreds of 'em.

HERB:

A piñata. That's a great idea!

STU-BONE

You guys don't know it, but you just saved my

ass!

With a big grin, he pantomimes sticking a thumb up his ass, in obvious

imitation of the doll, and then gives the thumbs-up sign. The unnerved

EXECS gape at him as he goes back inside - he's developed an odd, loping

gait, and his arms swing outward in wide arcs as he walks.

BURGER GOD EXEC:

Interesting fellow.

HERB:

Head trauma.

INT. STU'S KITCHEN - THAT MOMENT

He digs around under the sink, finds the purple beaker of ONEIRIX. Looks

at the FARTING DOLL...and GRINS.

STU-BONE

This'll get him off my back!

INSERT - TV SCREEN

A PROMO for the MONKEYBONE cartoon show. MONKEYBONE swings across the

screen on a vine, followed by a string of grinning, live-action FANS

doing a scratch 'n' sniff, pull-out-a-plum LINE DANCE.

ANNOUNCER:

It's his world - we just live in it. Monkeybone!

Back with six all-new episodes, starting -

INT. LIVING ROOM - REVERSE ANGLE - NIGHT

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