Monkeybone Page #22

Then the PANEL opens. They hear FOOD raining down behind them. HITCHCOCK

is the first to turn back - then STEPHEN KING - then ATILLA. A moment

later they're back to their old habits, climbing over one another to get

at a half-empty box of Raisinets.

WIPE TO:

INT. SLEEP LAB - DAY

The usual gang sitting around at their computer terminals, etc. JULIE is

coolly reading NOTEBOOK ENTRIES into a TAPE RECORDER.

JULIE:

"4/17:
Subject, when unaware of observation,

prefers to hold eating utensils...with feet.

Successfully carves turkey roll holding eating

utensils...with feet."

ALICE:

They had a case like that at Johns Hopkins.

Wires got crossed between hands and feet.

CLARISSA:

Great lead. I'll try and find it on the net.

JULIE:

"4/18:
Subject climbs backyard tree...to perform

elimination. When confronted with product...

blames it on family dog."

DEAD SILENCE from the mortified group. They never had a case like that

at Johns Hopkins. JULIE somehow keeps a stiff upper lip - deeply

embarrassed for STU, but a scientist nonetheless.

HUTCH:

Seems perfectly obvious. He's been possessed by

a monkey!

The others all GLOWER at HUTCH for this egregious display of bad taste.

EXT. GARAGE - AFTERNOON

STU-BONE and HERB are standing outside the garage in formal attire as a

crew of ZOO WORKERS load MONKEYBONE DOLLS into a pickup.

HERB:

You're really gonna pop the question?

STU-BONE

Got the ring. Got the airline tickets. Soon as

they break that piñata, we'll grab a cab - and

it's off to the land of palm trees and coconuts.

HERB:

I can't believe you. You used to hate being the

center of attention. Now you're proposing, in

public, at a benefit.

STU-BONE

Yeah, I was thinking...I mean, I'm a celebrity

now, do I really want to get married? But on the

other hand, if you're married, they can't

testify against you.

HERB wonders if this is a joke, decides it is, and forces a chuckle.

INT. BEDROOM - DAY

JULIE is getting dressed for the benefit when the PHONE RINGS.

JULIE:

Hello? Oh, Hutch - what?

INTERCUT - JULIE AND HUTCH

HUTCH is at the sleep lab, standing over the open refrigerator.

HUTCH:

The Nightmare Juice! It's gone! Somebody

switched it for a beaker of grape Kool-Aid!!

JULIE:

Kool-Aid!? But who'd would want to -

Her eyes move to the WINDOW - to STU-BONE out by the garage.

JULIE:

Okay. Call the police. I'll be right over.

INT. SLEEP LAB - LATE AFTERNOON

Two DETECTIVES examining the scene of the crime.

JULIE:

The technical name is Oneirix. It's an enzyme.

It's present in the brains of -

DETECTIVE:

(cutting her off; writing)

Yeah, yeah...Nightmare juice.

DETECTIVE II:

And there's been no sign of a break-in?

HUTCH:

Holy sh*t...the pants.

(remembering)

The janitor found a pair of torn-up pants. It

was the same night the monkey tipped her cage

over. Remember that, Julie?

JULIE:

(suddenly afraid)

Yeah...I remember it vividly.

EXT. ZOO - DAY

LIVERIED WAITERS scurrying all about in preparation for the benefit. ZOO

WORKERS set up tables and chairs underneath a giant CANOPY.

STU-BONE watches with satisfaction as the last of the DOLLS is loaded

into a giant piñata in the shape of STANLEY.

WIPE TO:

INT. DEATH'S OFFICE - NIGHT

The big creaky swivel chair swings around, revealing DEATH.

DEATH:

Now, if I may ask - what kind of idiot sneaks

into the Land of Death twice?

The party he's addressing is STU - who's stretched out horizontally,

strapped to a medieval TORTURE RACK, with a whole posse of GRIM REAPERS

standing guard around him.

STU:

You're mad at me. Great. You have every right to

be. But we're both mad at Dark Town. We're both

mad at Hypnos.

DEATH:

Oh, sure. Now you're gonna tell me it was all

his idea. You were completely innocent -

STU:

I'm not going to tell you that. I wanted that E-

ticket. I wanted it so bad I'd stare you right

in the face to get it - and I'd do the same

again.

DEATH:

Why??

STU:

I have a girl up there. And I never - I

should've - I just want to tell her I love her.

DEATH:

I'm a simple man. I'm just doing my job. I enjoy

my job. Why does everyone want to make it

difficult for me? Stealing tickets, switching

bodies...it is so irresponsible.

STU:

Death, I'm trying to make things right. Take my

soul. Turn me into a paper doll. But give me

just one lousy hour.

DEATH:

Well - you'd need a body.

DEATH gestures for the REAPERS to unshackle STU.

DEATH:

If it wasn't for that comic strip of yours, I

wouldn't be doing this. But a good chuckle is

darned hard to come by.

(chortling)

That one where Monkeybone stole the soap cake

out of the urinal - I thought I would die.

STU:

Coming from you, that's quite a compliment.

DEATH:

De nada. Now, come here...bend over...before I

change my mind.

STU:

Bend over?

DEATH rears back and KICKS HIM, full-force, SMACK IN THE ASS. The

supernatural might of the blow sends STU ROCKETING UPWARD THROUGH THE

CEILING!!

INT. HOSPITAL - OPERATING ROOM - DAY

A TEAM OF SURGEONS. The lead SURGEON has his arm buried up to the elbow

in the open torso of an ORGAN DONOR.

SURGEON:

Okay...detaching the left kidney...

SCREAMS ALL AROUND as the ORGAN DONOR sits BOLT UPRIGHT! The startled

SURGEON drops the kidney back into place.

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