Monkeybone Page #24

Onstage a BAND is playing tasteful zoo jazz. When the number ends, STU-

BONE approaches the dais and leans into the mike.

STU-BONE

As emcee I want to thank you all for joining us

at this swingin' bash...it's a special night for

the birds, and the lions, and the monkeys, but

it's also a special night for -

(tapping his chest)

- this monkey. And it's special because of a

very special lady. Her name is -

(checking a note in his pocket)

Julie McElroy. Just kiddin', Julie. Stand up.

JULIE stands reluctantly. The CROWD APPLAUDS.

STU-BONE

And to make this special night extra-special,

I'd like to do a special number...especially for

you.

A DISCO BALL lowers. STU-BONE turns to welcome a group of BACKUP SOUL

SINGERS who are just joining the band on stage.

The TENT begins to ROCK with a throbbing beat. And STU-BONE launches

into a wild-eyed, hip-shaking parody of Mick Jagger singing the Rolling

Stones' "MONKEY MAN"!

As he sings, STU-BONE gyrates over toward JULIE, bumping and grinding

like the cartoon-monkey sex machine he is. He waves his mike to the

crowd, urging everyone to join in. JULIE gasps in disbelief, but the

crowd is eating it up - clapping and singing along with STU-BONE.

He gestures for pretty women to join him out on the floor. He opens his

shirt at the neck, exposing a hitherto unseen plenitude of chest hair.

He pulls out a hanky to mop his brow and tosses it to the crowd. He

wipes his armpits with a second hanky and tosses it to the crowd. He

blows his nose into a third and tosses it to the crowd.

Then he JUMPS UP ON THE TABLES and shakes his booty wildly,­ strutting in

and out among the dessert plates. If the real Jagger could see him, he

would creep home a sad and broken man.

For the big finale, he jumps off the table and SLIDES ACROSS THE FLOOR

to JULIE'S table - arriving ON HIS KNEES.

STU-BONE

I am just a Monkey Man! I'm glad you are a

monkey...woman...too.

(soft voice)

How about it, Julie?

He pulls out a RING BOX and hands it to the beet-red JULIE. The crowd

lets out a collective GASP - followed by WILD APPLAUSE.

She stares down at the ring - a big vulgar sparkler. She can't speak.

STU-BONE

We'll hop a plane tonight. An island ceremony.

An Abba Dabba honeymoon!

JULIE:

It looks so...new.

STU-BONE

It is new. Why wouldn't it be new?

JULIE:

But the heirloom ring. Your grandmother's

ring...

STU-BONE

Heirloom? Huh? You want a used ring - ?

No reply. She's taking a long time to say yes. The audience is

muttering.

STU-BONE

Ju-leeee... Operators are standing by... Offer

expires at midnight, December 31...

Suddenly a GORE-STAINED FIGURE bursts into the tent.

O.D. STU

DOC! DOC! DON'T DO IT! HE ISN'T STU! HE'S

MONKEYBONE!!!

JULIE's jaw drops. She barely gets a glimpse of O.D. STU before the ZOO

GUARDS arrive to haul him away.

STU-BONE

Boy, the nuts are out tonight. What'd that creep

call you - ?

JULIE:

He called me "Doc."

- which STU-BONE never does. Someone in the crowd yells...

GUEST:

HEY MONKEYBONE!!

STU-BONE turns and does a simian COMEDY SHTICK for the crowd.

STU-BONE

That's me, folks! Monkeybone! Let's party!

By the time he's done scratching his ribs, JULIE has vanished!

EXT. ZOO GROUNDS - LATE AFTERNOON

She races out of the tent - grabs a passing ZOO GUARD.

JULIE:

Please. Where did you take that man...?

The GUARD points to an ANIMAL CONTROL VAN. JULIE sees O.D. STU peering

out through a small barred panel. Their eyes meet...

JULIE:

Who are you? Why did you say those things?

O.D. STU

Oh, Doc, it's all a mixup. We were in the land

of death. He stole my e-ticket. That's how he

got my body, see? All they had left for me was

this corpse!

JULIE digests this, nods professionally, and turns to walk away.

O.D. STU

Don't walk away, Doc! He's only here to give

people nightmares!

(no response)

Doc! Please! Don't you remember the dream? They

were pulling the plug - I called out to you -

and you heard me. Remember?

This stops JULIE cold. Her spine is tingling. She turns slowly, a single

tear rolling down her cheek. And then...

JULIE:

BUSTER?!?

The dog runs right past JULIE and bounds up to the animal control van,

barking his head off. Now JULIE is starting to believe. She turns -

JULIE:

Stu...how?

O.D. STU

I had to come back, Julie. I had to give you

this.

THROUGH THE BARS he hands her the little box containing Grandma's

antique ring.

O.D. STU

I meant to give it to you before. The night we

crashed. I was so happy, Julie, I...try to

remember me like that, okay? Not like this.

She slips the ring on her finger - looks up at O.D. STU with TEARS

WELLING in her eyes. He makes an odd SNORKELING kind of noise.

JULIE:

What's wrong?

O.D. STU

I'm crying too. I just don't have any tears. I'm

all dried up.

JULIE TURNS. The two DETECTIVES we saw in the sleep lab have just

arrived at the gate, and ALICE and CLARISSA are leading them over.

ALICE:

Detective, please let this man out of the van.

EXT. ZOO GROUNDS - PIÑATA AREA - THAT MOMENT

The PARTYGOERS are lined up under the gigantic Stanley-shaped PIÑATA,

which is hanging from a tree. A TUBBY BANKER in a blindfold takes a good

hard whack. CRACKS are beginning to appear...

STU-BONE

Okay, folks, it's piñata time - you know the

rules - five bucks a pop - and remember, it's

all for the benefit of our friends the animals!

(eyes brightening)

Oooooh! This one's on me!

The next contestant is a GORGEOUS WOMAN. He blindfolds her and embraces

her from behind to help her with her grip on the bat.

STU-BONE

Choke up, baby. That's right. Choke up!

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