Monster-in-Law Page #6

I said absolutely no peach.

And from now on, everything|goes through my new daughter.

- Thank you.|- Yeah?

Okay, I'll be|right down, thanks.

- Oh, here. Look.|- Oh, it's beautiful, Viola.

- Thank you.|- Oh, I'm glad you like it.

- Thanks.|- My car's here. Gotta go.

- Bye, Mom. Bye, Mom.|- Okay.

Oh, bye, sweetie.|Oh, it's gonna be fun.

- We're gonna have such a good time.|- I love you.

- I'll be a good roommate. I promise.|- Okay.

Ohh!

It's so nice|to have a girlfriend.

Yeah, huh?

Viola?

- Are you all right?|- I can't sleep.

I feel so alone.

I do.

You're not alone.|I'm here.

Did you take|your pills?

My pills?|Oh no, I forgot.

Could you get them|for me, sweetie?

They're on the sink.

Sure.

Here they are.

- Thank you.|- You're welcome.

Oh, I don't have any water.|Could you get me some water please?

Okay.

Oh, I can't drink out|of the tap.

Would you get me some Evian...|with ice?

Yeah.

Here you go.

Oh, thank you.

You have a good night,|okay?

Charlotte?

I hate to ask you this,

but it's my|first night here.

Could you stay with me?

Please?

Sleep with me.|Be a good girl.

Huh? No no no!

No no, don't!

God! Viola!

- Are you okay?|- No, let go of me, you!

No.

Huh? Oh!

Okay. Okay.

Hi, how was your day?

It was... okay.

Wonderful!

You're cooking.

I wanted to make you|dinner all by myself.

- Sit.|- Okay.

It's steak|and kidney pie.

Actually, the steak didn't defrost|in time so it's mostly kidney.

Mmm!

- Do you like it?|- Mm-hm!

I made a decision today.

I called my lawyer|and I asked him to redo my will.

I want to include|my new daughter.

Really, Viola,|that's not necessary.

Oh, don't be silly.|I want to.

Of course they have all these|stupid questions that they want to ask.

You know, like, "Are you|currently an illegal alien?"

Oh, uh, no.

Oh, that's interesting.|Okay.

Um, are there any hereditary illnesses|in your family?

You know, the kind that could be|passed on to grandchildren?

- Uh, no.|- No.

How many men have you been|sexually active with?

What? Why would they|want to know that?

That many, huh?

Would you be willing to sign|a prenuptial agreement?

- Excuse me?|- I know.

They're such nosy bastards.|It's none of their business.

Let's just deal|with this later.

No, why don't we deal|with it right now?

I'll tell you what,|I'll clean up the kitchen

and you continue|enjoying your dinner.

No no no.

You did all the cooking.|I'll clean up.

- Are you sure?|- Yeah.

I am kind of tired.|Thanks.

Well, I'll just|go up to bed then.

I had kind of a difficult|night last night.

You had a difficult night?

He's skidding|out of control.

This bus is out of control.

Is somebody there?

Tina.

Tina.

Who the hell is that?

Oh.

What?|Oh my God.

- I thought you were sleeping.|- Well, I couldn't sleep.

Hmm? What do you think|of my outfit?

This is a ceremonial robe|given to me by Chairman Mao.

These go with the robe.

This was a birthday gift|from the Dalai Lama.

He never forgot|my birthday.

Of course now|he doesn't care anymore.

- Do you mind if I sit with you?|- No.

- Just for a little while.|- Okay.

Why is she running?

Well, someone's|chasing her.

Why is he chasing her?

I'm not sure.

Well, who is he?

I don't know.|We have to watch.

- You have to stop talking.|- Mm.

Don't you hate|what she's wearing?

Running out there|with bare feet and, what is that,

a pajama top?|It's so unrealistic.

I once did a whole segment|on nighttime television.

You would not believe

how much the demographics|influence the networks.

I mean it's just ridiculous.|All they care about is the bottom line.

Oh, it's so nice just to sit|with family and do nothing, huh?

Don't even need to talk.|It's wonderful.

I miss so much|being a working mom.

I used to bring Kevin,|though, to the set.

That's where he met|Gore Vidal and Jackie Chan.

Is there anybody famous|in this movie?

Because I don't know|any of them.

And they all look|the same... all the girls

have the same body,|all the boys have the same hair.

...so many beautiful people|who live in Los Angeles?

I think all the beautiful genes|ended up in California.

Why is he kissing her?|It's beyond me.

I'm sorry. I thought|it was air freshener.

- Charlie?|- Dr. Batel's office.

Miss Reynolds?

Hi.

Yeah.

Nope. Okay.

Bye.

Oh God. I-I'm sorry.

You know what?|That's probably my fault.

I mean,|I never thought she'd...

I mean, she's a little|eccentric, you know?

- I'm sorry.|- Well, It doesn't matter.

I don't want to talk about your mom|tonight. I want to talk about us.

- I miss you.|- I miss you too.

Especially now|when I'm in the tub...

naked and wet...

and naked.

Really?

Well, do you know what I would do|to you if I was there?

- What?|- Well, for starters...

Charlie!

- I'm not looking. I'm not looking.|- Hello?

- I just wanted to return your shampoo.|- Your mom just walked in.

You really should use a shampoo|that doesn't dry your hair so much.

We don't want a bride|with straw under her veil.

- Oh, is that Kevin?|- Yeah, it is.

- Honey, your mom wants to talk to you.|- Sweetie, hi.

- Hi, Mom.|- Honey, I can't thank you both enough.

- Of course.|- I'm having the most wonderful time.

- How's Charlie?|- Oh, she's been a doll.

We've been girlfriends|all week.

- Great.|- I'm gonna be sad to go home.

You do? Well, you never know|what the future's gonna bring right?

I mean, I do love|this neighborhood.

In fact, you know,|two doors down,

there's this house|for sale.

It's got two|big bay windows

and a great rose garden.

You know how|I love rose gardens.

And basically,|it's got my name all over it.

I'm having my...|my... um...

real estate guy|look into it.

She's buying a house here?

Two doors away.

"Lovely property.|Beautiful bay windows."

It's bullshit!

She doesn't even like|this neighborhood.

Oh God, I'm so exhausted.

She's driving me insane!

- I can't do this.|- Yes, you can!

Stop being|such a big baby.

Kevin is the best thing|that ever happened to you.

Charlie, do not|give up on this one.

It seems Mommy Dearest|has been keeping

a very close eye on you,|sweetie.

What are you talking about?|What are you doing in her clothes?

I was just upstairs in her room|minding my own business.

And I found all of this|in her closet.

She's been|investigating you.

Whoa.

Why does she have|your high school transcripts?

I know.

There's a picture of me|at the beach?!

- Yes, it is.|- I can't believe that.

There's another picture|of you in here.

And it's... look.

Look at that.|It's like a closeup.

But you have to be close|to take that, right?

Look at all this Gucci!

It's just|Gucci Gucci Gucci!

She has skin caviar.|This stuff sells for $400 a jar.

- I've heard of that. I want a try.|- Here.

- Mm.|- Doesn't that smell good?

Ooh, hello.

What are these?

Those are|just her anti-anxiety pills.

- Ooh, these are good.|- Really?

They'd knock out a horse.|I have these at home.

- You do?|- Wait

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