Monster-in-Law Page #8

Well, mi casa, su casa.|Make yourself at home.

- Thank you. Bye, Viola.|- Cheers.

- Goodbye.|- I like her a lot. Hi.

- Hey!|- Hi!

- You guys have a nice little chit-chat? - Oh|my God. She came over

and started talking to us.|What did you want us to do?

- Ignore her?|- Yes!

So then getting her autograph|would be completely out of the question?

- Was that yes? 'Cause... okay.|- No.

So there I was sitting next|to the Sultan of Brunei

with Maureen Dowd,|Carrie Fisher and Snoop Dogg.

You know the story, Kevin.

I said to Snoop, "Snoop,|I think your lyrics

are sometimes a little|sexist and unfair to women."

And the Sultan of Brunei said,|"Really? I have 114 wives

and they're all|huge fans of the Dogg!"

Honey, would you see|who's at the door?

Sure.

These are delicious, Viola.

Oh, Kit,|I'm glad you like it.

Mm, yeah.

Look who's here.|It's Dr. Chamberlain.

Oh my God!|It's Dr. Chamberlain.

- Hi! Everybody, it's Dr. Chamberlain!|- Hi. Good evening.

- Thanks so much for inviting me.|- Oh, sh*t!

That's Dr. Chamberlain.|He's Viola's doctor.

Oh, we're going to need|another place setting.

Oh, please,|let me get that.

- There's a chair in the living room.|- Sure.

Scootch down, you guys.|Come on, make room.

You guys move down.

Cheers. Thank you.

Who's he?

It's Viola's therapist.|Move down, you guys!

- Excuse me.|- No problem.

- Here's you chair, Doctor.|- Here. Have mine, too.

Hello.

Hi.

- Hi.|- Hi.

I'll get it.

So you just got here?

- Are you expecting anyone else?|- Huh-uh.

- Hello, everybody!|- Fiona!

I'm so glad to see you.

I just couldn't resist|bringing the happy couple

a little gift.

That's great. I will|get you a place setting.

She's bringing a gift?|I think she is the gift.

What the hell|is she doing here?

- How about some more wine, everyone?|- Yeah!

How much longer do we have to stay?|I have midterms tomorrow.

Shh.

- Oh, I get it.|- No, baby, not now, okay?

It's not the time.

So, Dr. Chamberlain,

tell us about med school.|Where did you do your residency?

Uh, now that's...|that's a long story.

I don't think your guests|want to hear that.

No, we really|want to know.

I think we need|some more gravy.

What is going on?

What are you doing?

I'm behaving.

Viola, no!

You can't!|Charlie's allergic to nuts!

Give it to me!

Viola, you're crazy.

Oh, get up.

Put the gravy down|or I'm telling Kevin.

Yeah!

What's the big deal?|So her face swells up...

swells up a little.|So what?

Swells up a little? Her face'll|blow up like a Macy's Day balloon.

Well, good. It'll match|the other body parts!

Viola, think about|what you're doing.

Come on, the girl's|getting married tomorrow!

Ruby, when did you|lose your edge?

Right after|you lost your mind.

Come on.

All right. Okay.|No nuts.

Come on.

Viola, I think you|dislocated my vagina.

- Where's the...|- Where's the what?

Gravy? More gravy?

Anyone for more gravy?

Oh, I am not|doing time for you!

- Where's the back door?|- Stay cool, Ruby!

Stay cool! This is no time|to lose your nerve.

If I get arrested|I'm gonna sing like a canary.

Maybe she won't|take any gravy.

- That's a lot of gravy.|- Mmm!

This gravy's delicious!

You... you gotta go|stop her!

- Go on, stop her. Go stop her.|- You go, you go, you go.

Why me?|You're the culprit? You go!

- You're my assistant.|- What am I supposed to do?

Go out there and stick my finger|down her throat?

Yeah.

Baby, are you okay?

Kevin, my tongue|feels weird.

I think|something's wrong!

Charlie, are you okay?

- What are we gonna do now?|- Hide the damn nuts!

- Are you all right?|- Get her some water.

Flat or sparkling?

The caterer says he doesn't know how|this could have happened.

Well, I feel like I ate|a loaf of nuts.

I mean, even my tongue|is swollen.

You're marrying|a big, fat, puffy tomato mouth.

It's not that bad, really. Besides,|the swelling's already going down.

- Yeah?|- Hey, Kev.

- Yeah.|- Just coming to check up

on the bride-to-be.|For the love of God...

- Out!|- You see?

I told you it looks terrible.

- I told you.|- Baby, I promise you.

In 24 hours the swelling|will be completely gone.

Give me that!

Door was open.

Oh thank God.

- The Bride of Frankenstein is gone.|- I know.

I was up half|the night worrying.

- You look great.|- I just don't know

- how those nuts got in there.|- Yeah.

Hmm.|Wait.

Hey, do you think|she would...

No!

Come on.

I mean, she's crazy,

but she's not like,|psycho-killer crazy.

Hmm.

No!

Oh, hey, I was wondering.|Could I bring a date

to your wedding?

Of course. My God.|How exciting.

Great. Thanks.|So then, I'll see you later.

But... w-wait!

- Who is he? Tell me!|- Oh, it's...

okay, don't be mad.|It's Dr. Chamberlain.

Actually "Paul."

- Is that his real name?|- That's very funny.

I gotta go get a mani, pedi|and my eyebrows waxed.

But I'll see you in|a couple hours, okay?

- Oh, let me go down with you.|- Okay.

Oh God.

She added|even more ruffles!

Where's your prom date,|senorita?

Oh, wait a minute. This is too|damn good. Where's my camera?

This is just too good.

Will you just get me|out of this right now?

Come here.

- Cheers.|- Hey.

Thanks for coming.

Okay, guys, let's go see|how Charlie's doing.

Ah, yes, please.

Uh-huh.

Oh my God. Those are|so much better than mine.

Don't... touch me!

I got out of that car|the same way I got in it...

without you.|Now where is she?

You here with the bride|or the groom?

I'm here with my mother.

Oh.

She looked a lot older. I...

Well, look|what we have here.

Oh my God.

You look beautiful.|Oh my God.

- Oh my God.|- This is it!

Yeah!

- Oh God, did you talk to the priest?|- I talked to him.

He's just going|to skip right over that whole

- "if anyone should object" part.|- Okay.

You're a vision in white,|sweetie, really.

Knock knock.|Look at you!

And so is your|mother-in-law.

Mm. Mm-mm-mm.

All right.|Everybody out.

Out.|Give the bride a moment.

- No way.|- What?

What is that?

- What?|- Where's your bridesmaid's dress?

Oh, I gave it|to Ruby's daughter.

She works at Hooters.|She was thrilled.

I don't have a daughter?

Oh.

Rude.

Take off that|white dress right now

or I'll take it off|for you.

Don't you tell me|what to do!

You did not|just poke me!

Don't you touch me,|you two-bit tramp!

Oh my God!|Viola, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to...

You don't go and slap somebody|then apologize.

Get some backbone!

God! This is crazy!

Why don't you just|face it?

I'm marrying Kevin today and there's|nothing you can do about it.

You face it! You'll never be|good enough for him!

Didn't stop you|from marrying my son.

- Oh God, no.|- Well, look at you.

All in white.

You are so predictable.

Oh, Gertrude.|I didn't know you were coming.

You didn't?

Wonder why.|Oh, I know.

You didn't send me|an invitation!

I thought you|were dead.

But evil doesn't die|so easily.

I heard you got sacked|and thrown into a loony bin.

- Oh! Oh!|- My congratulations.

Oh my God.

Oh my God!

These hors d'oeuvres|taste like old socks.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes