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Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl Page #7
- R
- Year:
- 1982
- 77 min
- 436 Views
Fat Man :
I've got two legs from my hips to the ground
And when I lift them they walk around
And when I lift them they climb the stairs
And when I shave them they ain't got hairs
Argumentator's rifle: [Bang]
Fat Man:
Aaargh!Singer :
How sweet to be an idiot
As harmless as a cow
Too small to hide the sun
Almost poking fun
At the warm but insecure untidy crowd
How sweet to be an idiot
And dip my brain in joy
Children laughing at my back
With no fear of attack
As much retaliation as a toy
How sweet to be an idiot
How sweet
I tiptoe down the street
Smile at everyone I meet
But suddenly a scream
Smashes through my dream
Fi fa fo fum
Hey you
You're such a pedant
You've got as much brain as a dead ant
As much imagination as a caravan site
But I still love you
Still love you
How sweet to be an idiot
How sweet
How sweet
How sweet
Jung und
elastisch
Es
macht
spass!
SCHLEPP 91
MOROCCO:
Sun, Sea, and Watch
out behind you
Mr. Smoketoomuch: Good morning.
Secretary:
Oh, good morning. Uhm, have you come to arrange a holiday or would you like a blow job?Mr. Smoketoomuch: I'm sorry?
Secretary:
Uh, oh, you've come to arrange a holiday?Mr. Smoketoomuch: Uuh...yes.
Secretary:
Oh, sorry, sorry. Now, where were you thinking of going?Mr. Smoketoomuch: Uh, to India.
Secretary:
Ah, one of our adventure holidays.Mr. Smoketoomuch: Yes, that's right.
Secretary:
Well, you'd better see Mr. Bounder about that. Uh, Mr. Bounder, this gentleman is interested in the "IndiaOverland" - and nothing else.
Mr. Bounder:
Ah. Hello, I'm Bounder of Adventure.Mr. Smoketoomuch: Oh, hello. My name is Smoketoomuch.
Mr. Bounder:
What?Mr. Smoketoomuch: My name is Smoketoomuch. Mr. Smoketoomuch.
Mr. Bounder:
Well, you'd better cut down a little then. [Laughter]Mr. Smoketoomuch: I'm sorry?
Mr. Bounder:
You'd better cut down a little then. [Snigger]Mr. Smoketoomuch: Oh, I see! Smoke too much so I'd better cut down a little then!
Mr. Bounder:
Yes. [Laughter] Ooh, it's going to get people making jokes about your name all the time, eh?Mr. Smoketoomuch: No, actually, it never struck me before. Smoketoomuch... [Laughter]
Mr. Bounder:
Anyway, ehm, you're interested in one of our holidays, are you?Mr. Smoketoomuch: Yes, that's right. I saw your advert in the blassified ads.
Mr. Bounder:
The what?Mr. Smoketoomuch: In The Times Blassified Ads.
Mr. Bounder:
Ah, The Times Classified Ads.Mr. Smoketoomuch: Yes, that's right. I'm afraid I have a speech impediment. I can't pronounce the letter B.
Mr. Bounder:
Uh, C.Mr. Smoketoomuch: Yes, that's right, B. It's all due to a trauma I suffered when I was a schoolboy. I was attacked by a
Siamese bat.
Mr. Bounder:
Uh, ah, a Siamese cat.Mr. Smoketoomuch: No, a Siamese bat. They're more dangerous.
Mr. Bounder:
Listen...can you say the letter K?Mr. Smoketoomuch: Oh, yes. Khaki, kettle, Kipling, Khomeini, Kellog's Born Flakes.
Mr. Bounder:
Well, why don't you say the letter K instead of the letter C?Mr. Smoketoomuch: Well, you mean, pronounce "blassified" with a K?
Mr. Bounder:
Yes, absolutely!Mr. Smoketoomuch: Classified!
Mr. Bounder:
Good!Mr. Smoketoomuch: Oh, it's very good! I never thought of that before. What a silly bunt.
Mr. Bounder:
Now then, uhm, about the holiday...Mr. Smoketoomuch: Yes, well, I've been unpackaged store many times before, so your advert really bought my eye.
Mr. Bounder:
Good, good, jolly good, well, let me offer you this...Mr. Smoketoomuch: Why-why, what's the point of going abroad, if your just going to be treated like a sheep?
Mr. Bounder:
Mmm.Mr. Smoketoomuch: Cartered around in buses surrounded by sweaty mindless oaves from Vetchy and Boventry.
Mr. Bounder:
Absolutely.Mr. Smoketoomuch: They've blothed backs and their bardigans and their chances to radios, complaining about the tea or they
don't make it properly, do they? And stopping at endless Majorcan bodegas selling fish and chips and Rodney's Red Barrel
and calamares and toothache. And sitting in their cotton sunfrost, squirting Timothy White Suncream all over their puffy,
raw, swollen, parollen flesh, 'cos they overdid it on the first day.
Mr. Bounder:
Yes, I know just what you mean! Now, what we offer is...Mr. Smoketoomuch: Being herded into countless Hotel Miramars and Bellevues, Bontinentals with their international luxury
modern roomettes...
Mr. Bounder:
Oh, yes.Mr. Smoketoomuch: ...and swimming pools full of draft Red Barrel and fat German businessmen pretending to be acrobats
and forming pyramids and frightening the children and...
Mr. Bounder:
Oh, yes.Mr. Smoketoomuch: ...barging into the cues. And if you're not at your table...
Mr. Bounder:
Oh, yes.Mr. Smoketoomuch: ...spot on seven you miss your bowl of Campbell's Cream and Mushroom Soup, the first item in the
menu of International Cuisine.
Mr. Bounder:
Absolutely. Now what we have here is...Mr. Smoketoomuch: Every Thursday night there's a bloody cabaret in the bar featuring some tiny ---- dego with nine-inch
hips and some fat bloated tart with her hair really creamed down and big arse presenting her to foreigners.
Mr. Bounder:
Will you be quiet, please?Mr. Smoketoomuch: ---- from Birmingham with bloody right...
Mr. Bounder:
Will you be quiet?Mr. Smoketoomuch: ...legs and diarrhea trying to pick up hairy, bandy legs ,whop degos called Manuel.
Mr. Bounder:
Be-be quiet!Mr. Smoketoomuch: And once a week there's an excursion to local Roman remains, where you can buy Cherry Aid and
melted ice cream...
Mr. Bounder:
Be quiet!Mr. Smoketoomuch: ...and bleedin' Rodney's Red Barrel.
Mr. Bounder:
Shut up!Mr. Smoketoomuch: And one night they take you to a typical restaurant with local...
Mr. Bounder:
Shut up!Mr. Smoketoomuch: ...atmosphere and color and you sit next to a...
Mr. Bounder:
Shut up!Mr. Smoketoomuch: ...party from Relu who keep singing "I love the Costa Brava!"
Mr. Bounder:
Shut up!Mr. Smoketoomuch: "I love the Costa Brava!" And you get cornered by some drunken green grocer from Luton with an
Instamatic camera and last Tuesday's daily express...
Mr. Bounder:
Please be quiet!Mr. Smoketoomuch: ...and he's on and on and on about how it is running the country and how many languages Margaret
Powell can speak and she throws up all over the cuba libre. And spending four days on the tarmac at Luton Airport on a five-
day package store with nothing to eat but dry----sandwhiches.
Mr. Bounder:
Shut up! Please shut up!Mr. Smoketoomuch: And you can't even get a glass of Rodney's Red Barrel because you're still in England with the bloody
bar closes every time you're thirsty. And the kids are crying and vomiting and breaking the plastic ashtrays. They keep telling
you won't be another hour, but you know damn well your plane is still in Iceland, because it had to turn back, trying to take a
party of Swedes to...
Mr. Bounder:
Shut up!Mr. Smoketoomuch: ...to take a party of Swedes to Yugoslavia. Of course it loads you up there at 3 a.m. in the morning. And
then you sit on the tarmac for four hours because of unforeseen difficulties, i.e. the permanent strike of airtraffic control over
Paris. When you finally get to Malaga airport, everybody's cueing for the bloody toilet, and cueing for the bloody half-
customs officers, and cueing for the bloody bus that isn't there, waiting to take you to the hotel that hasn't yet been built.
When you finally get to the half-built----ruin called the Hotel Limassol, while paying half the holiday money to a license
Spaniard in a taxi, there's no water in the pool, there's no water in the bath, there's no water in the tap, there's only a bleeding
lizard in the bid�, and half the rooms are doublebooked, and you can't sleep anyhow, 'cause the permanent are in the jungles in
the hotel next door. Meanwhile, the Spanish National Tourist Board promises that the raging cholera epidemic is merely a
mild outbreak of the Spanish Conleigh, while the like of the previous outbreak in 1616 even the bloody rats are dying from it!
Graham Chapman:
As early as the late 14th century, or indeed as late as the early 14th century, the earliest forms of japeswere divisible in...
Mr. Smoketoomuch: Meanwhile, the bloody guardia are arresting 16-yearolds for kissing in the streets----everybody's buying
awful little horrid donkeys with their names on, I can't tell you the----and when you finally get to Manchester, there's only
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"Monty Python Live at the Hollywood Bowl" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 1 Sep. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/monty_python_live_at_the_hollywood_bowl_909>.
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