Movie 43 Page #5

(BELL DINGING)

I can also see Batman

underneath the table.

'Cause of the X-ray vision,

of course.

No, I can just see him.

It's a caf table.

I mean, it's really obvious.

- Hi.

- Hi.

I'm so sorry about your family dying...

(CHORTLES)

Man, that took me back to the '70s, huh?

Oh, hold on. There's our culprit.

It's the Penguin.

Excuse me,

I'm gonna go do some Batmanning.

Do you need me... Can I help?

(GIGGLING)

Oh, it's hard to pick up with gloves.

There you go.

Hi there, sweetie. How you doing?

Do you mind f***ing off for a little bit?

Thank you, I appreciate it.

Thanks. See you later.

- Hey! You son of a b*tch!

- What?

- Where's the bomb, you fat f***er!

- Hey, a**hole!

- Oh, sh*t.

- What do you think you are?

Some big man,

picking on a little fat guy?

Take it easy!

That's the Penguin, that's what I do.

- Why didn't you call me?

- I... No...

- You said that you were gonna call me.

- Wait a minute. Did I not?

I know I dialed the number.

Did I not hit "send"?

You said that you were gonna

stick by me no matter what happened.

And then your little bat condom breaks

and then you just disappear.

Do you know what it's like?

Going to Planned Parenthood by yourself

when you're Wonder Woman?

OK, not very romantic talk, Roe v. Wade,

here at a speed dating situation.

Uh, look, I was fighting crime.

Ask Robin. Robin, vouch for me.

He cries after sex, do you know that?

- Why would I know that?

- Like a baby.

After sex, what do you say?

"Oh, my soul's so dark."

Because you saw some bats

when you were little? You p*ssy!

Attention, Gotham City speed daters.

(CHUCKLES)

How the f*** did he get over there?

It was all a clever ruse.

I'm not speed dating.

Some of you should remember

I'm happily married.

- That's right!

- You were all there at the wedding.

OK, bomb strapped to my chest.

Yes, in any case, you all have to give me

some unimaginable sum of money,

or else I'm going to blow up Supergirl

with this bomb.

Ah, ah, ah, ah...

The detonator is in this umbrella.

- Cool it.

- No, you cool it.

My non-monocled eye!

Disarm!

- Yes!

- Oh!

(GASPING)

- Are you OK?

- I think so.

You saved my life.

Just doing my job.

BATMAN (WHISPERING):

Kiss her, kiss her.

Open her mouth and touch tongues.

Put your tongue inside her mouth,

and that'll coax her tongue

to go into your mouth.

(BOTH MOAN)

Yeah... Squeeze her boobies.

Yeah, and touch her butt.

(MOANING CONTINUES)

- Doesn't it look nice?

- It looks so nice.

(PROTESTING)

Hold on. Not so fast.

(GRUNTING)

- (YELLING)

- (GASPING)

(SCREAMING)

- Riddler?

- Riddler!

Whoo-hoo!

That is right, the Riddler!

In a diabolical scheme

to get Robin and me to this speed date

to stop a bomb, only to lure Robin

away to some seedy warehouse.

You're gonna hang him above

a vat filled with thumbtacks

or lizards or some f***ing bullshit.

(LAUGHS)

- Well, it didn't work, muchacho.

- That's amazing. How'd you do that?

I mean, how'd you know

that she was a fake?

A bush that size

is only good for one thing,

and that one thing is hiding a wang.

You know what I'm saying?

Wait, let me get this straight.

So you knew all the way back then?

- You knew that she was a dude?

- Whole time.

- Why'd you make me kiss her? Him. This.

- I don't know.

I guess I woke up this morning

with a little case of the fuckarounds.

You know I'm just having fun

with my buddy. (LAUGHING)

Whoo!

(SLOW PIANO MUSIC PLAYS)

MAN:
Remember this?

Ugly, isn't it?

But think how they feel.

Working without thanks

to make your life better.

Lonely, unloved, hurt.

- (NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE)

- Physical, verbal, emotional abuse

to get what we want done.

Can't you see they're doing their best?

(NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE)

They're not trying

to take over your world,

they're just trying to find

a little place in your hearts.

Remember, machines,

they're full of kids.

So what do you think about putting

commercials within the movie?

Cutting-edge, right?

It's great. I loved it.

It's really... just inspiring.

A great celebration of life.

Yeah, but you're not just saying that

because I have a gun pointed

at your head?

No, no. I'm in work mode now.

I really liked it.

Well, cut me a check.

A company check.

Show me you're real.

No, I can't do that.

I don't have the authority to do that.

For a sale this big,

I'd have to run it up the flagpole

to the studio chairman.

It'd just take a day or two.

No. I have a better idea.

Let's go see him right now.

Now!

Great. We can fast-track it.

- Hey, Griffin.

- Hey, David.

By the way, you give

the slightest signal to anyone

and I will pull the pin on this baby

and blow us all to f***ing...

- Is that a grenade?!

- Shh!

You brought a gun,

and a hand grenade?

Well, I really want to sell this thing.

Listen, man. Look,

I know that I was

a little pushy back there,

but I really do appreciate

your passion and your support.

Just tell me what you

want me to say in there.

I don't know. I don't want

to put words in your mouth.

Just lead

with what you honestly like best.

It's your call.

Oh! Wait a minute!

I almost forgot.

I've got a few others.

Um...

Oh. You're gonna love this.

OK.

(SCREAMING)

Tyler DeSoto, 1 5.

Port St. Lucie, Florida.

He only lost a finger.

This is horrific.

I'm still not seeing

what the problem is, though.

Brian.

The iBabe has an advanced

3.2 gigahertz processor.

We left an opening for a vent,

and then we placed a highly efficient,

super-powerful microfan

in the opening.

And?

- The vent is in her, um...

- Lower quadrant.

- Vagi-port.

- Vagina.

- Vagi-port.

- The vent is in the vagina.

A certain percentage of our younger

demographic are sticking

their... you know what in the vent.

No, I don't know what.

Kids are sticking their penises

in the vent,

the fan then mangles their penises.

Disgusting.

Sir, the iBabe is a...

High-fidelity music player.

Yes. It also looks and feels

exactly like a naked woman.

Teenage boys are

physically attracted to naked women.

Our research doesn't support that, sir.

Look, at the very least, we need

to put a warning sticker on the box.

Other MP3 players don't have

a warning not to have sex with it.

- Right?

- (MURMURS OF AGREEMENT)

A bag of potato chips

doesn't have a warning:

"Please don't f***

these potato chips!"

- (LAUGHING)

- Am I crazy here?

None of us

could've seen this one coming.

- I did.

- Take it easy, Erin Brockovich.

(LAUGHTER)

R and D team.

You did extensive testing here.

Did you anticipate anybody breaching

the cooling system? Any red flags?

Dave?

Also, we've broken down

our problem into three steps.

- First step, kid buys the iBabe.

- Hm-mm.

- Second step, kid fucks iBabe.

- Hm-mm.

Third step,

kid mangles his dick, sues us.

Our goal is to eliminate

step two and step three.

Ah...

Now I know what the problem is.

Why don't we just move the fan?

Why don't we just

put it in her ear?

No. No, no, no, no, no, sir.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote