Movie 43 Page #6

My team spent two years

doing the impossible,

and you're pretty much just telling us

to go back and start from scratch.

You know, to go f*** ourselves.

OK, look. The iBabe weighs

over a hundred pounds, OK?

It's basically illegal

to take it out in public.

Women's organizations are calling

for the boycott of our entire company!

Our stock is plummeting, and kid's d*cks

are getting horribly mangled.

- (BEEPING)

- Oh, come in, come in, come in.

- (DOORS OPENING)

- Sir, may I introduce you

to the iBabe Special Edition?

Oh, my God.

Faster processing,

double storage capacity,

and how about that elegant finish?

Gorgeous, gorgeous, gorgeous!

- Congratulations.

- Thank you.

Finally we can give our customers

a choice of color.

- (APPLAUSE)

- Oh, my God.

Just when I thought

it couldn't get more offensive.

Uh-huh.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

(THWACKS)

Now I understand. Yeah.

(UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS)

(iBABE THEME CONTINUES OVER TV)

I'm RSVP'ing to Sammy's bar mitzvah.

Yeah. Me, too.

The party, not the service.

My mom always makes me

go to both. It sucks.

Yeah.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

Hm.

BOY:
Yeah!

Nathan, on a date for once.

Jesus, Mikey, shut up!

What? Mom told me to watch you guys.

I'm just doing my job.

I mean it, Mikey, leave.

I'm watching you. Hm!

Sorry, my brother's an idiot.

Whatever.

You have a bathroom?

Totally. It's right back there.

- Yuck.

- Nathan, uh... Nathan, I...

My brother spilled fruit punch

on the couch. There's a big red stain.

I, um... I need to go.

But you're not getting picked up

for another half hour.

Wanna sit and watch some more TV?

Um... Yeah. I'll just...

I'll just watch it from back here.

That's cool. I like standing.

Oh, Mikey spilled fruit punch

on the wall, too!

- My mom is gonna be so pissed!

- Nathan, I really need to go.

Hey, lovebirds, I hope I'm not...

Holy sh*t! You are covered in blood!

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, you

must have sat on a nail or something.

- You idiot, she's having her period.

- Oh, my God.

What do I do?

You don't know what to do?

You've never had your period before?

No, I haven't.

Oh, my God, Mikey.

She's already lost a lot of blood!

You know what? Mom's gotta have some

tampons around here somewhere, right?

This is not happening.

F***! You're way skinnier than Mom.

There's no way they're gonna fit you.

Look, I'm just gonna walk home!

No, no, no. You can't walk home

in your condition, silly.

Mikey, hurry!

They're just plastic bags. I don't know

what the f*** you want me to do!

- Wipe yourself!

- Hey, hey, guys, I'm home early.

Dad, help us!

- Pardon me. I'm Nathan's father, Steve.

- Hi.

We're just gonna have to plug it up.

I found this and this.

All right, what's going on here?

(WHIMPERING)

Uh, Nathan's date is on her period

for the first time,

and she's bleeding everywhere.

Ugh. Disgusting.

I mean, congratulations, young lady.

Congratulations?

She's bleeding to death.

- Oh, my God, my stomach hurts.

- She's having contractions!

- Oh, no!

- Uh...

Nine-one-one? Yeah, my friend

is bleeding out of her vagina!

- Nathan, Nathan, listen.

- Why are you laughing at me?

It's just...

The lining of Amanda's internal organ

is just spilling out of her.

Oh, my God. (WHIMPERING)

- Look, I'm not dying.

- I got frozen peas and a sponge!

If you want to keep the lining intact,

a man has to insert his erect phallus

into her vagina.

- What?

- You know what? I got the perfect thing.

- Maxi pad on a stick.

- Oh, my God, I want to kill myself.

Yoo-hoo. Hey, baby, you ready? (GASPS)

What the hell's going on here?

- Dad!

- Oh, my God! Honey!

What the hell kind of sick family

squashes a large tomato

on my daughter's pants?

Whoa, watch what

you're implying about my family.

I don't gotta watch anything, Jack.

- Yeah? Yeah? Yeah?

- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

- You touching me? You touching me?

- Yeah. Yeah.

- You did not just touch me!

- Let's go, b*tch! Let's go!

Sucker punch him.

Sucker punch him in the throat!

(OVERLAPPING SHOUTS)

Everybody, shut up!

Look, I'm just a regular

seventh grade girl getting my period.

And it really sucks that it had to be

in front of all you idiots.

Dad, call Mom and tell her

to meet us at home.

She's got her period?

So disgusting.

You don't have a camping tarp

I can borrow, do you?

Sorry about all that.

Hey, honey, don't sit in the car!

Vagina is way too complicated!

Yeah, no sh*t.

- Hey.

- Really?

- (FARTING)

- (CHUCKLING)

Dad, that was epic!

I've been trying to push that puppy out

since this morning's conference call.

Whoo! I gotta take a massive dump

and then we're watching the game!

- Yeah.

- Yes.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, nice.

(SCREAMING)

So, it's basically a cross between

Family Guy and Schindler's List,

which I know you're probably thinking,

"Uh-oh, how are we gonna do that?"

But... Holocaust is spelled "Holla"

which makes it like now.

- We'll get away with it.

- Sorry, to interrupt.

I tried to stop them Bob,

but they just ran right past me.

- Griff, we're in a meeting.

- We need to buy this man's pitch.

Hey.

OK. We'll discuss that later, Griff.

No, no, no. Now, now.

We need to discuss it now.

You don't have eyes?

I'm in a meeting with Mike Meldman

and Seth MacFarlane.

Oh, holy sh*t! You really are

Seth f***ing MacFarlane,

the Family Guy.

And that Music Is Better

Than Words album, who knew?!

Griffin, what the hell is going on here?

Now is not a good time.

Yeah, yeah. I gotta go. I have

a table read for American Guy.

American Guy?

That's American Dad.

Excuse me, guys.

One second.

Give me a break, man.

It took me six weeks to get

this meeting with Seth.

I'm not gonna let you mess this up.

You don't understand,

he's ready to start shooting. Now.

- What?

- It's about to explode.

It's an explosive situation.

The studios are all interested in this.

It's like a bidding war.

We need to buy it right now, now, now.

So grow a pair and buy

the f***ing thing.

You don't need my blessing

for everything.

Oh, interesting.

No, no, no. That's not true.

In the past, I have, right?

I mean, in the past I have,

I have, right?

Of course, 'cause you're

a gutless yes-man

and you've always been too much

of a p*ssy to test the boundaries.

We can come back

if this is not a good time.

No, no. Seth, please, why don't you grab

a guitar and log back on to BandFuse?

You're on

the Jimmy Page level.

OK.

Stand on your own

two feet for once.

You're pathetic,

you know that?

I f***ed your wife backstage

at Sherak's Night of Champions dinner.

And you came into work

early the next day.

That was f***ed up.

Now get out of my office

and go buy the damn thing.

Yes!

(CHUCKLES)

Bye, all.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe it!

I sold my first movie.

Yes, yes, yes!

Yes, yes, yes! Whoo!

Oh, and let me tell

you something, Griffy.

This movie's gonna be great.

And you know what else?

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote