Movie 43 Page #7

The events of today,

they're gonna wind up making

a cute story on a talk show

about how I sold it.

What's the matter?

I can't believe that bastard just told

everybody he had sex with my wife.

Well, not everyone.

I mean, I can't speak

for Seth or that Melman guy,

but my lips are totally sealed.

Son of a b*tch has treated me

like sh*t for years.

You know, one time

at the company Christmas party,

he called me a pansy-ass chickenshit

in front of my wife and kids.

My kids actually chuckled at that.

I totally empathize, all right?

But listen to me, Griffster.

This movie is very important to me.

And I need an exec who can put

his personal problems aside

and really laser-focus on this thing.

And if you're not able to do that,

as much as it pains me,

I'm gonna have to ask you

to respectfully step aside.

No, no, no. We're gonna...

Trust me. I'm focused.

We're gonna make your little

movie the biggest goddamn one

- the studio releases this year.

- Really?

Yes. It's gonna be our summer tent pole.

We're gonna spend gazillions.

We're gonna get all the marketing people

involved with their marketing money.

Let that cocksucker try and explain

that to the stockholders.

We're gonna make your movie

this century's Howard the Duck.

Yes! Now you're talking!

And, I haven't even told you

about the shorts

that are gonna win us the Oscar!

What have you got?

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

Go f*** yourself, a**hole.

Ah, don't do this.

Brian, we're best friends, man.

You can't move out.

- You f***ed my girlfriend, dude.

- One time.

For a week.

- What?

- But I wanna make it up to you.

Can I f*** your girlfriend?

Yes, but she broke up with me

when she found out

I slept with your girlfriend,

so I can't arrange it.

- (SCOFFS)

- But, Brian, I got you something.

Best birthday present ever.

You are gonna love this.

Is this really necessary?

Trust me.

It's better if it's a...

One, two, three, surprise!

(IRISH MELODY PLAYS)

(LAUGHS) I know. Right, buddy?

Happy birthday.

You kidnapped an Irish midget.

No. I caught you a leprechaun.

Moron. There's no such thing

as leprechauns.

Dude, watch this.

Hey, little buddy.

I want you to tell my friend

that you're gonna give us

a big pot of gold.

I'm gonna cut off your balls

and feed them to you!

Good Lord.

He's just joking.

He's gotta give us the gold,

that's the rules. Right?

The last thing you'll ever see

is my cock skull-f***ing you!

(LAUGHS)

Hm. Let me ask him again.

Oh!

Give us the f***ing gold!

Do you want the lights on or off

when I f*** you

with a pair of rusty scissors?

Pete, Pete, Pete.

Stop, stop, stop.

Chill. What are you doing?

You're gonna kill him!

- (CHORTLING)

- Watch out, man. Relax.

I'll handle this, OK?

I'll handle this.

Hey, Mr. Leprechaun.

I am super sorry about this, OK?

It's just a misunderstanding.

So what I'm going to do, is

I'm going to untie you and let you go.

How does that sound?

OK. But first...

Lick my crusty Irish taint,

you yeast-breeding cunthole!

Die! Die, you little magical f***!

Stop! Stop!

Think! If he's dead,

he can't tell us where the gold is.

F***ing giants.

Motherfucking full-growns.

When all this is over, I'm going

to crawl up your mother's c*nt,

and start a f***ing campfire!

Hey! No! Shut up.

You can't do anything 'cause you're

tiny and you're tied to a chair.

And nobody knows where you are. No one!

- (PHONE RINGING)

- I wouldn't bet on that.

- Who's calling?

- (GIGGLING)

Um, hello?

MAN (IRISH ACCENT):

So this is what a dead man sounds like.

- It's another leprechaun.

- F***.

If that's my brother,

prepare to have your dick hole

stretched over a f***ing fire hydrant!

- What's wrong with your f***ing mouth?

- Gag him.

Your balls are... (MUFFLED)

Listen, Cookie O'Puss,

I got a leprechaun, and I want some gold,

or we're gonna kill him.

How do you feel

about having your balls cut off?

Jeez, they're so into balls.

I'm serious.

You better make with the gold,

or your little, green man is going

to be pushing up four-leaf clovers!

That was so good,

you sounded so tough.

- OK.

- (LINE DISCONNECTS)

What'd he say?

- He said "OK."

- (DOORBELL RINGING)

No way.

How did he get here so fast?

Sweet!

Gold coins!

Gold!

- Happy birthday, dude.

- Holy crap!

So we get the gold,

and we keep this little f***er?

Did you hear that? Looks like

your Lucky Charms just ran out.

Who's magically delicious now, b*tch?

(MUFFLED)

What? Did you say something?

I couldn't hear you over

my giant pot of leprechaun gold!

Top of the morning, ladies.

(SCREAMING)

He shot me in the eye!

He shot me in my nipples!

I'm half goddamn blind!

Taste Celtic steel.

(SCREAMING)

That's right, brother.

F*** him up good!

This is what happens

when you take a leprechaun's gold.

Stab him with the leprechaun knife.

Cut off his balls!

- Go leprechaun!

- Shh. Walk to the rainbow.

- What?

- Cut off his balls!

Help, Pete! Help!

I'm gonna mangle your balls.

Shoot him! Shoot the f***ing leprechaun!

B*tch!

You moron! Not that leprechaun,

this leprechaun!

Tell Saint Paddy that you

like it up the ass. (LAUGHS)

(GROANS)

What now?

Not much to these guys.

Yeah. I thought they'd be bigger.

Hey, Pete,

I just wanted to say, thank you.

Yeah, it is a lot of gold.

No. It's more than gold, man.

I mean, catching that leprechaun

must've been hard work,

it's something that only

a true friend would do for me.

Yeah, well, I should've never

slept with your girlfriend.

Whatever. We can buy new girlfriends.

Dude, I totally forgot

the second part of your gift.

- Really?

- (LAUGHS)

Who is she?

She's a fairy, a storybook fairy.

What the hell am I supposed to do

with a fairy?

I suck cock for gold coins.

Look at that smug prick.

Look at him. Walking like he doesn't

have a care in the world.

Well, you do have a care, Bob.

A big care, and it's about to be

the last care of your life!

This is what I was talking about.

You're losing focus!

You're losing focus!

My notes.

Hey. A**hole.

Hey.

How do you like me now,

Raisin Dick? Huh?

For Christ's sakes, Griffin,

what the hell you doing?

It's payback time,

you Nazi douche!

You treated me like sh*t

from day one,

- but every man's got his limitations.

- Griffin, don't do it!

Violence never solved anything.

What are you talking about?

You held me at gunpoint.

You made me buy your movie.

It solves everything.

You're shitting me?

He held you at gunpoint.

And you still came to me to ask

permission to buy the movie?

No. No...

You think that's funny.

Hey, I laugh at you.

OK, motherf***er?

You think

you're gonna laugh at me?

- I got the gun, jackass!

- Hey, Mr. Schraeder.

What are you guys doing, playing

a little improv game or something?

Shut up!

Get over here!

Hey, buddy.

- Hello.

- Bob, I...

- I want you to blow Jerry.

- What?

I want you to fellate Jerry, right now

or I'll put a bullet in your head.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote