Moving Violations Page #3

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drain out your water,

flush it out of there

completely,

take in a lot of oil,

then grease up that back end,

get out on the highway

and go as fast as you

can for 9 or 10 miles.

- Really?

- Yes.

No... no one has

ever said this

to me before.

As I say, I am a professional.

I can lick any rear end problem

you can bring me.

In fact, I do a lot

of celebrities too.

Just last week,

I reamed out Roger Moore.

He was totally satisfied.

As a matter of fact,

he's coming back next weekend

for a complete rear end job.

Oh.

Break's over.

Come on, let's move it, people.

Tonight.

You wanna pass those tests,

get in there

and do some work.

Let's go.

Why don't we go

someplace and talk?

Um, yeah, I've been

thinking about it.

- It's probably

a good idea.

- Yeah.

Hey, look,

I think we got off

on the wrong foot,

and I'm sorry.

Why don't we shake hands

and we'll wipe

the slate clean?

Now, look, mister...

I'll be straight with you.

I hate your ass.

- Oh, come on, this has

gone too far.

- Shut up.

I'm teaching

this shithead class

because you got me demoted.

That's right,

you screwed up my promotion...

My career.

And now I'm gonna

screw things up for you.

- Sounds fair.

- You just watch yourself.

I'll crush you.

Okay, but just as long

as we can still

be friends, okay?

- Mrs. Houk?

- What's a man doing

in the ladies' room?

- This is

the men's room.

- Oh.

Why is my back all wet?

Before you go home tonight,

we're going to take a look

at a little film on traffic

safety entitled

"Blood Flows Red

on the Highway."

- All right!

- Deputy Morris.

Every day millions of kids

happily go to school.

They look forward

to another day of learning

with their friends.

Unfortunately,

some of these kids

will never make it

to their classrooms.

A thoughtless motorist

who stopped for a couple

of quick drinks

for the road will cause

a senseless tragedy.

A tragedy that could have

been avoided

had he used some common sense.

But it's too late for that now.

Traffic fatalities

are increasing

everywhere.

And that's why

blood flows red on the highway.

Here we see another accident.

Two trucks collide

with a Toyota.

Their passengers

thrown from the car...

My dad's coming back

on Saturday,

- and I gotta pick him up

in his car.

- So what?

"So what?"

I don't have it.

It's impounded.

A brand new Mercedes.

My dad's gonna kill me.

He's gonna open everything

that's closed

- and close

everything that's open.

- Don't worry so much.

Listen, we'll go down

to the video store

and we'll rent

"Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

That will relax you.

Come on.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, uh...

Bless you.

Oh, sorry.

Uh...

This is Jo-Jo.

I'm a puppeteer.

Oh, I have to go.

That's my sister.

She's a sister.

- Oh, there's my bus.

I gotta go.

- Nonsense.

Tonight we're

traveling in style.

Taxi!

You heard her.

- Taxi!

- Taxi right here.

Ho, yeah.

Step to the rear, please.

Thank you.

- Thank you.

- Driver, take us

to the nearest nuclear

power plant. My pants

are full of uranium.

Not bad.

After I got my doctorate

in physics,

I worked as a strolling

violinist in a Hungarian

restaurant for a while.

- Oh, come on.

- No, I really did.

There's a lot of people

with advanced degrees that can't

get jobs in their field.

Well, at least

you found your field.

- Mm-hmm.

Myself, I went

to five colleges,

changed majors seven times,

and I had about 10 jobs

since I dropped out

of school.

That's quite a success story.

Well, I have to be

at the lab early tomorrow,

so I...

- Oh, I forgot

where I put my keys.

Spaced out again?

- Guess so.

- Maybe.

Well,

I guess I'd better

make the first move.

Now didn't that ease

the tension?

I'm a forest ranger.

I'm just taking some work

home for the weekend.

Hello. Just

one second here.

Just a few more things.

Okay, now we're on our way.

Excuse me,

I've been doing a little

early Christmas shopping.

Okay, people, listen up.

I'm declaring this bus

a national forest.

Please act accordingly.

Plants coming through.

Look out...

- Hey, hands off

the ficus, lady!

Don't grab the branches.

It could be a bird's home

someday.

Hey, it's not an ashtray.

Plants are people too!

Dana, I needed

that shipment from you.

Well, some geeks took

my driver's license away.

That's not my problem.

Either you bring that shipment

by Friday or you can forget

the whole account.

Well put.

Right to the point.

And believe you me,

by this time next week,

we'll be laughing about this.

Ha ha ha.

Great.

First thing in the morning,

flush out all the water.

Okay, I did that.

Then you wanna fill up

with oil at least two quarts.

Ugh.

Well...

Here goes.

Next, you wanna

grease up your rear end.

Really get a lot up there.

Smear it all around.

Well, if it works,

it will be worth it.

Get out on the highway

and go at full speed

for about 10 miles.

- See how it feels.

- Like sh*t.

Officer Halik, come in.

- Sit down.

- You wanted to see me,

your honor?

Yes, Halik.

I have a proposition for you.

Proposition?

Halik, you've been screwed.

- I have?

- Hank,

how would you

like to be a winner

in this traffic school thing?

Have the last

laugh on those fools

that sent you down?

- How could I do that?

- Make the class tough,

impossible.

Fail everyone.

I'll order their cars sold.

We'll give half the money

to the county.

- The rest

you split with me.

- But what if we get caught?

Hank, since this law

went into effect,

I control the records

of all vehicles

ordered sold by the county.

Take a look for yourself.

The last instructor

retired a very wealthy man.

What do you say...

Hank?

There's a feeling

that I sometimes get

Ooh, it's not unusual

For me to swing

'cause I can't see it

I go sneaking down

the hallway

Highway recognize

Taken by a brain wave

And I can't control

my drive

Sometimes I break

through the wall

Oh, I'm a moving violation

when I move

A moving violation

when I move, watch me

Losing all my patience

when I do

Watch me

- Moving violation-

lation-lation-lation.

Good party, huh?

You should see it

in Iran... talk about

your tough traffic laws...

Over there,

you get a moving violation,

they take away your license

and your hand.

Chop it right off

at the wrist.

Wow. I gotta

get over there

to see that.

Hank...

You are in complete

and total control

of this class.

So forceful.

I'm not wearing

any underwear.

Leave the car in gear

with the emergency brake on,

and you walk to the rear

of the car with your flare,

breaking off the upper portion,

and throwing it in the back.

Then, you ignite your flare.

Placing it within six feet

of the vehicle.

Now, we'll let

one of you try it.

Mrs. Houk.

Hmm.

No, Mrs. Houk,

it's the other one.

No, don't throw it

in the trunk.

Oh my god!

- Did I do

something wrong?

- Not from where I stand.

Stand back

while I open the hood.

It's a big 460

with a Harley four-barrel.

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