Mr. Hobbs Takes a Vacation Page #4

Well, this is a real occasion, isn't it?

The whole gang together again. | How long has it been?

Well, Janie's wedding | was the last time.

Well, we mustn't ever | let it get too long, kids.

Just don't ever let it get too long.

It's a very important thing, family.

A very important thing.

What we all mean to each other and, | of course, your mother and me...

when you were all young...

and then now- | now you with all your families.

Don't ever let | either one of them fall apart.

Uh- Because it's | the one solid thing that lasts in life...

and that's the family.

Is this all I'm gonna get? | This... guck?

Yes, dear. I'm afraid until you're | a little older, that's- I'm sorry.

All right now. What do you say?

Now that we're all together again, | let's make this first drink to the family.

- Can I go now? It's 8:00. | - J-Just a minute, son.

- But it's Tombstone Raiders, Dad. | - I'm- Oh.

Tombstone Raid- | All right. Okay. Okay.

Tombstone Rai- | Oh, I don't know.

You know what this country needs?

D- Do you know what this country needs? | An un-Edison.

An un-Thomas A. Edison. | He can uninvent things.

You know the first thing | I'd have him uninvent? Television.

That's an amusing idea, of course, | but, uh-

Oh, what it would reveal | about you to a psychiatrist.

Yeah, yeah. | Thanks a lot, Professor.

- Well, all right now- | - Good night.

- No, honey, please. | - I don't feel well, Dad.

I know-Just-Would you-

- What's the matter with her? | - Oh, just the same as with you and Janie at her age.

- New braces. | - Poor kid.

Yeah. New braces. Let's raise our glasses | and drink a little toast to the family.

- The roast! | - Couldn't you wait a second?

- I'll be right back. It'll take a minute. | - I know, but could you wait-

- Are you all well again now? | - Oh, sure.

- I hate to go on without her. | - In fact, we're gonna try and have another one right away.

You're gonna try and have- | What? What did you say?

We're gonna try and have | another baby right away.

Well, that's the first time | I ever heard that one in the parlor.

Well, psychologists have pretty well agreed | that closely spaced children...

promise the minimum | of intra-familial friction actually.

- He kills me the way he says, "Let's | turn 'em out fast. " - Uh-huh. Yeah.

Well-Well, to what's left | of the family.

Could we have a little-

- Listen, dear. | - That's him, all right.

- Well, couldn't we just- | - You want me-

Not unless you want to change him.

That's one thing | I'm not gonna even try to learn.

- Well, uh, uh- | - Will you pour me another one?

- Sure. Sure. | - With all these false starts, I-

Yeah, I know.

This didn't seem difficult | when I thought of it.

You know, one little drink for | a few people sitting around a room-

But they can't be having this much trouble | putting our man on the moon.

But look, | let's sort of close forces here...

and let's have a little drink | to the family, huh?

- Hey! | - Peter, dear. Oh!

Just take it easy there.

- Look, darling, let's play with Flopsy again. | - I don't like Boompa!

How do you think I feel about it?

Is this the best you can do | for your own father? Boompa?

Geez- Hey! Now, look, | let's not overdo this thing!

Come here to Mother. | It's all right. Don't worry.

- I hate Boompa! | - Well-

Would you excuse me?

I think you oughta take a firmer stand on this-

- Don't anybody touch her. | She's all right. She's scared.

Here, darling. That's all right.

Play with this.

It's all right, baby.

Hey!

Didn't I tell you to stop that? And when I | tell you something, young man, I mean it.

- This stuff costs money. | - I'll take him.

You wanna throw things on the floor, | throw your own stuff.

It's all right, darling. | Boompa didn't mean it.

Yes, Boompa did mean it too! | He meant every damn word of it.

Somebody's gotta straighten this kid out | when he gets out of line.

If you don't mind, Dad- | I hate to say this- It is your house-

We don't believe | in saying "no" to the children.

According to all modern psychologists, | saying "no"leads to neuroses.

It can also lead to bankruptcy, | too, if he breaks enough stuff.

What we do is put all the ashtrays | and other breakables out of their reach...

like on the mantelpiece.

If I want to smoke in this house, | I have to stand beside the mantelpiece?

Well, maybe Susan does | carry it a bit too far at times-

Susan carries it no further | than Susan has been advised to carry it.

All I know is that I smoked sitting down | when you kids were little...

and none of you have gone crazy yet.

I only meant that under certain circumstances, | when other people are disturbed...

we could afford to be | a little flexible about it!

You know so much more than the men who | have devoted their lives to child psychology...

I don't see why you don't go | into the business yourself.

You mean that's better than nothing.

As usual, you put your own construction | on anything I say!

Well, now, Susan, we don't have to | make a big thing out of this.

You don't have to remind me of my position. | I assure you, I never forget it for a second.

You bet you don't!

Don't think for one second either that | I'm not sick of your reminding me of it!

- You want me to take him? | - Oh, I do not! Give me that doll!

- Susan! Susan. | - This has nothing to do with you, Dad!

- I'm kind of in the dark about this whole thing. | - Oh, stop pretending!

- I'm not a child! | - I don't know what you're talking about, either one of you.

Well, here's to Boompa.

That was some family reunion.

Some family, as a matter of fact.

One kid going blind, | watching actors shoot each other.

Another resigning | from the human race...

'cause she's got a little chicken wire | in her mouth.

A married one squaring off at her husband, | raising infant delinquents.

And what do you hear | from Janie and Professor Egghead?

Oh, now, Rog, let's not overdo it.

Do you know what the truth of this is? | It just occurred to me.

- I don't know those people. | - Well, now, listen-

No, I mean it! I mean it.

I used to know a pretty little girl | named Susie...

and another freckle-faced | little monkey named Janie.

- You remember? | - Oh, Rog, I wish you wouldn't talk like that.

Well, they were two little honeys, | weren't they?

- Well, they're not dead, darling. | - Not technically, no.

- I know. | - Just "bye-bye, kids. "

Oh, now, Rog, really, | you're just being maudlin.

And as for those | two fellas down there-

I'm scared to death I'll run into them someday | on the street without their wives...

and won't even recognize them!

Stan's the one who needs the haircut.

Do you realize that I've seen | Mr. Stanley Carver...

exactly three times | in my whole life before today?

The next time I saw him after meeting him | for five minutes in Cleveland was at the altar.

"The dark one on the left," | somebody said.

And I gave my own flesh-and-blood daughter | to this complete stranger.

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