Mr. Hobbs Takes a Vacation Page #6

Boys, remain in the middle | of the floor.

Now, at the third stroke | of the bass drum...

I want each boy to go to a girl | and invite her to dance with you.

But this is to be a new girl...

one you have not danced with before.

Do you understand?

At the stroke- | the third stroke of the bass drum...

you are to invite a new girl | to dance with you.

All right. Are we ready?

Yeah!

At the third stroke of the bass drum. | All right, Artie.

Some people look on the Spatterbox | as a child's toy...

and, in a sense, I suppose it is...

but it calls for a steady hand | at all times.

An old blue-water man like you won't be long | in discovering it can be very tricky indeed.

But is it- is it very long?

Some people think so. | It just so happens I don't, but many do.

- Of course, it all depends on what you call "long. " | - Naturally.

- Rog. | - Yes, dear?

- Will you excuse me, please? | - What's the matter?

- I've got to talk to you. | - Oh. Excuse me.

- Of course. | - What is it?

Rog, nobody will dance with her.

- Oh, they're crazy. Where's that albino? | - Not so loud, Rog, please!

But look at her, Peg! | They must be out of their minds.

She's the prettiest girl | in this whole dump.

I know, but not so loud, Rog, please.

Look there. Now, look at that one.

You can't tell me that Katey's | not prettier than that little hobgoblin.

Of course not.

All right, boys, back inside. | Come on.

Everybody back inside.

Now, this next dance will be | the girls' invitational dance.

This time, the girls | will ask the boys to dance.

All right, girls, remain on the floor.

All right, now, attention.

At the third stroke | of the bass drum...

I want each of you girls to go | and find a boy to dance with you.

All right, Artie.!

Well, now, look, what's she | doin' there standin' like a dope?

She's looking at one now, isn't she?

Wanna dance?

Dance? Okay.

Holy Moses, this one's a pygmy.

Look- a white pygmy.

- Well, at least she's got somebody. | - Come on. L-I need a drink.

You're-You're too tall for me.

First a spook, now a midget.

- Two scotch and waters. | - Well, I think I've got that Spatterbox for you.

Did you see one single thing about him | that wasn't awful?

Don't you think he had rather | an intelligent-looking face?

It looked to me like the inside | of a small cantaloupe.

You know, the beauty | about a Spatterbox is this-

- At least she's still not sitting there. | - Oh, Rex?

Now, here's the lad who can really handle | a Spatterbox. Rex Mclntosh.

- Rex, Mr. And Mrs. Hobbs. | - She's back in the chair again!

You are still interested | in the Spatterbox, aren't you?

No, Rog! No!

The poor chap must be drunk.

Little monster.

Honey, don't you think you ought to | go and sit with her or something?

If she wants to leave, | shall I say yes?

I guess so.

Don't worry. | I'm not going to jump.

- Hey, Joe? | - Yes, sir?

Come here a minute, will you?

Excuse me.

- I'm Mr. Hobbs. | - Glad to meet you, sir.

Say, Joe, uh, I was just wondering, | could you use five bucks?

But it's just a matter of time, darling.

They don't know you yet, | and, besides, boys are shy at first too.

No, really, Mother.

What has that got to do with it?

I just don't feel well. | My stomach hurts.

Well, p-perhaps | if you ate a little ice cream.

Please, Mother.

I want to go home.

All right, darling. | I'll go look for Dad.

Come on, Katey.

Excuse me. Are you Katey?

- Yes. | - Well, come on. Let's dance.

- No, thank you. | - Well, come on. What's the matter?

- I just don't care to, that's all. | - Well, all right.

Just one time around, anyway.

- Break. Come on, break! | - Since when?

Give me a chance too, will ya?

Where have you been | all my life, wife?

Break.

Hey, thanks, Mr. Hobbs!

- What's the matter? | - Well, uh, she's okay, Mr. Hobbs.

- Very cute-looking, but- | - But-But-But what?

- Well, has she got lockjaw or something? | - Oh, no.

I mean, with her mouth all squinched up | like that, I can't get her to say anything.

- Joe, it's her braces. | - You mean, they hurt?

- No, she just doesn't want anybody to see them. | - Well, why not?

Well, she just got them, | and she's not used to them.

You know, it-

Joe, what's your father like?

Oh, Dad? He's okay, I guess.

- All the time? | - Most of the time.

Now and then, he's a little kooky, | of course.

A little kooky. Why don't you | go in there and tell her that?

- What-Are you kidding? | - Who's running this team, now, you or me?

Okay, Coach.

Excuse me.

- Are you paying those boys? | - Five bucks apiece.

But, Rog, is-is that right?

No. Unless it works.

Both of them- absolutely weird!

Well, you oughta see my dad. | He's a real dingbat.

- Do you know what my dad did once? | - What?

You wouldn't believe it. | You wouldn't believe it!

- Well, tell me then. | - Nah. Tell you later.

Wanna dance?

- Where are you goin'? | - We're going to Pizza Heaven, Dad.

- Would you care to join us? | - No, thank you.

- You don't know what you are missing. | - Good night!

I can't find her. | Didn't you get his last name?

- No. | - Well, where did you pick him up?

Well, you-you saw me. I just called | the name "Joe" to a group of boys.

There's always at least oneJoe | in a group.

Well, if you don't mind me saying so, | that's a fine way...

to choose an escort | for your 14-year-old daughter-

giving five dollars to some boy | you don't know from Adam.

- Where are you going? | - Straight to the F.B.I.

Good night.

- Good night. | - I'll call you tomorrow.

Thank you.

- I'll call you tomorrow. | - Promise?

- Yeah. | - Okay. Good night.

- Bye. Good night, Mr. Hobbs. | - Good night.

I, uh, certainly do wanna thank you.

- You're welcome. | - Uh, won't you shake hands with me?

- Not for her, sir. | - We'll be seein' you, Joe.

- Good night. Good night, Mrs. Hobbs. | - Good night.

Good night, Joe.

- Have a nice time, honey? | - Mm-hmm.

Your father and I | were just wondering if-

Oh, Rog, darling.

Oh!

Well. Well.

- How about that? | - I always get my hair so wet.

What's he doing, beating your time?

- No. I mean, seriously. | - Oh, now, Rog, let's not go looking for trouble.

Well, that bathing suit's | a pretty powerful weapon.

Well, you're the one | who ought to know, lover boy.

Oh, stop!

We were just | reading War and Peace together.

Oh, you're crazy. | That kid's much too old for me.

Really? Oh, how marvelous!

Look, if you've got to worry | about somebody...

I wish you'd worry | just a little bit about Danny.

Well, I can give it a try. | It's not gonna do any good, I'll tell you that.

- Well, why wouldn't it? | - I don't know.

I was reading in a magazine | a couple days ago.

It said, "There are no juvenile delinquents- | only guilty parents. "

- Oh, rot! | - One of these days, Danny's gonna grow up...

hit somebody over the head, | and they're gonna hang us.

Well, never mind | about when he grows up.

What I want to know is, what are we | going to do about him now?

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