Mr. Roosevelt Page #4

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Nobody knows anyone.

Do you even know yourself?

I dunno, I think so.

I look in the mirror a lot.

Well, Emily Martin,

to truly know oneself,

you have to ask yourself

one thing...

And what's that?

Are you willing to be reborn?

[Emily squawks]

[Screaming, followed by

splash in waterhole]

Jen!

- Hey, ladies!

- What up?

- Hey.

- Hey.

Art!

[Hip hop music

plays in background]

Pass that pipe...

Here.

It's so nice to be back

in the Greenbelt, it feels like

it's the only thing in Austin

that hasn't really changed.

Seriously, all the tech douches

coming in, buying property,

building condos on everything.

They're tearin' it all down,

that's all they know how to do.

A normal person

can't afford anything anymore.

I had to move past 183.

I had to move back in

with my parents.

And they had to move back in

with their parents.

[Sound of laughter]

You want?

Oh no, I'm good, thank you.

Dude, that bikini top

looks sick on you.

Thanks.

[Powerful theme music comes

up]

[Powerful fades out]

She looks like

she's seen a titty ghost.

[More laughter]

I'm sorry, I...

You know it's legal here

in Austin.

It's all right.

Calm down.

I know that.

Come on, free your nipples.

- Shut up!

- Come on, dude.

Don't say that.

What? Girls say it.

Yeah, but it's liberating

when we say it.

And it's creepy as f***

when guys say it.

Guys, man.

Take it easy, her cat just died.

Oh, no.

I'm sorry.

No, it's not that, I'm...

[Powerful comes up]

[Powerful ends abruptly]

Alright!

Well, I'm gonna jump in.

Yeah.

Here we go.

Ready?

Oh, no, I'm just gonna

warm up for a little bit.

Alright.

Hey...

If you take a hit of this...

You can put your top back on.

Deal.

- Look that way.

- Okay.

Let me know when your b*obs

are safely quarantined.

Okay.

Thanks.

I don't normally smoke.

It makes me tired.

And I don't understand

what funny is.

What is there to understand?

[Emily chuckles]

So...

Art...

Is Art short for Arthur?

No, it's short

for Artist, actually.

Really?

My parents had

pretty high expectations.

Oh, well, my name's Emily.

My parents had

very, very low expectations.

They must be pretty hyped,

you turned out pretty creative.

What makes you say that?

You have the whole

quirky girl vibe going.

Oh, Jesus!

- What?

- That is so condescending.

It's not condescending...

Saying you're quirky

means saying you're interesting.

It's a compliment.

No, it's not because

you would never call a guy that.

With a guy you'd use

another word like "eccentric,"

but with a girl, you need a word

that recognizes her uniqueness,

but at the same time

devalues her intelligence.

Like "her delightful whimsy could

never make a cogentargument,"

highlighting

your unconscious sexism.

Well, you're not quirky,

but you're definitely

kind of a b*tch.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

[Jen yelling]

- Oh no.

- Sorry.

Thank you.

[Cell phone buzzing]

Alright.

Oh sh*t, it's my work.

Don't answer it. Hang it up.

Hit reject.

What?

They said it would take

a few days to cremate him,

so I'll probably be here

over the weekend,

but I have my laptop, and can

do all my work from here.

Emily, let's be real.

This isjust not

a priority for you.

Wait.

What are you talking about?

Do you think I planned this?

Listen, I have all the assets, I can

just upload the cuts to Dropbox.

Yeah, sounds like you're working

really really hard over there.

Let's face it, Emily.

You're just not

a right fit with us anymore.

Okay, if this is about the auditions,

I can stop going for a few weeks.

I really need the job.

Hey Todd, my cat died!

I needed to be here for him.

Come on, Emily.

It's just a f***ing cat.

"It's just a f***ing cat"?

You know what?

F*** you!

F*** you!

F*** Pharmtech!

And f*** the man! I quit!

[Sound of cell phone landing]

I quit!

[Bathers cheering,

Emily screaming in joy]

Wooo!

[Song begins] If you come

to find out who you are,

May you find out,

may you find out who you are.

And if you come to search

for what is lost,

Then may you find it,

may you find it at any cost.

And if you come over far,

May it not touch you

or ever do you harm.

If I were to die today,

Slaughtered in that

masquerade,

The last thing

that you'd hear me say,

Put my body on display

In the parade.

[Song ends]

Hey, is this your phone?

I found it in the bushes.

- Yeah, thanks.

- Sure.

This message is for Emily

Martin.

We're calling to let you know that Mr.

Roosevelt is ready.

Oh God... Jen?

[Theme music comes up softly]

Hey, do you want

my roommate to drive you?

No, it's okay.

- Bye!

- Bye!

[Music ends abruptly]

[Sound of bike falling]

Hello.

I'm here to pick up my cat.

Okay. What procedure

did you drop him off for?

Oh no, I'm sorry,

I'm here to pick up my dead cat.

Mr. Roosevelt?

Oh...

I'm sorry,

Mr. Roosevelt is not here.

What do you mean he's not here?

Someone already picked him up.

Wait, you just let some stranger

take my cat's ashes home?

Don't you check people's IDs

or something?

Who was it?

It was a woman...

She bought a different urn.

It should be on the invoice.

- Celeste Jones.

- Celeste Jones.

[Sound of dog growling]

[Theme music comes up

powerfully]

Eric!

Celeste!

[Theme music becomes soft]

[Noise coming from kitchen]

[Sound of conversation

and power drill]

- Lean forward, push your back up.

- I'm gonna lean you back...

[Sounds of laughter,

gentle spanking]

Oh, Emily.

Emily's home.

Why did you pick up

Mr. Roosevelt?

Pardon me?

Why did you pick up the ashes?

They called me.

Why did they call you?

Well, I called to check in

this morning.

And later today they said

they tried calling you but

couldn't get ahold of you.

And what about the urn?

Oh, yeah...

You should have seen what

they put him in.

It looked like it was

the cheapest one they had.

It was the second cheapest.

I guess that's it. We have

him back. Time to bury him.

Do you have a shovel?

Or do you want to

just put him in your compost?

What?

Celeste and I thought

it might be nice

to have some friends

come over tomorrow...

during the day

and pay their respects.

Just a small gathering

tomorrow early after breakfast.

Like a brunch?

Yes! Exactly.

A few of my friends

are bringing some dishes

and there'll be mimosas.

Oh mimosas...

But don't worry, you don't have

to bring anything. Just yourself.

And your memories.

[Sound of Emily's

disturbed laughter]

Here...

I'll keep him safe.

[Door slamming]

[Sound of cartons

falling on floor]

[Sound of dry cleaning

hitting the floor]

[Theme music comes up softly]

[Music crescendos

and stops abruptly]

Eric!

Hey, where's Celeste?

She left for book club.

Jesus, Eric! Book club?

Seriously?

- Okay, what's going on?

- Celeste!

How could you let her

do this to me?

Do what?

Em, Celeste has been

nothing but nice to you.

No, I know that's

what she's making it seem like,

but she's trying

to make me look bad.

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