Mr. Roosevelt Page #6

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Honestly, I just want a family.

[Emily sighing]

Is that the Klonopin talking?

What?

I saw the prescription drugs

in the cabinet in the bathroom.

It's f***ing Celeste...

She has you drugged up so

you'll just do whatever she says

so you'll just be this perfect

little house husband.

I'm so f***ing sad

for you right now.

Are you a f***ing lunatic?

What?

Celeste didn't put me

on Klonopin.

She helped me get off of it.

I was on it because of you.

When you left,

I was a f***ing wreck.

I loved you...

And you disappeared.

No calls.

Bye.

Do you know how much that hurt?

I didn't know I hurt you.

I didn't know that I hurt you.

You never said that.

What the f*** did you think

was gonna happen?

I don't know!

What did you think?

I don't know. I didn't know

that you needed me.

Well, I didn't need you.

Okay, I didn't...

Eric... I just... I don't know,

I didn't think it was over.

You thought I was waiting?

No, of course

I didn't think that.

I don't know, I think in some way

I thought I was doing it for you.

I'm struggling out there.

I'm a miserable person.

Can we be very clear?

You did not do that for me.

You did that for you.

Everything that you do...

is just for yourself.

Emily, let's just go home.

I don't have a home!

[Eric groaning]

[Sound of pickup truck honking]

Hey girl!

F*** YOU!

[Sound of pickup braking hard,

then backing up]

Is that an invitation?

[Funky radio music]

[Beer can popping open]

Oh, sorry,

I don't have any cup holders.

It's okay.

Do you wanna see my gun?

- Excuse me?

- I have a gun.

Let me show you.

- Like a real gun?

- Yeah.

- Oh! Whoa...

- It's like an antique.

Okay.

It's a .45 from 1911.

It's like literally

over a hundred years old.

Yeah, that's the math there.

You want to see the bullets too?

No, I don't. I'm actually

pretty good. Thank you.

You can put it away now.

You don't want to hold it?

Just hold it.

- I'm okay. I'm fine.

- Okay, it's harmless.

It's not gonna bite you.

It's not. It's gonna shoot me.

[Nervous laughter]

You have like...

[Nervous laughter]

I was gonna say

you've got goose bumps.

Yeah.

It's cold.

Huh...

Tickles.

You're funny.

[Theme music comes up]

Say it again!

You're funny.

I'll do it...

- Sorry.

- It's okay.

Did you wear braces?

What?

Did you ever wear braces?

You have like super nice teeth.

Shhh.

[Sounds of taking off clothes,

laughter]

Okay, love.

- I got it.

- So sexy.

Oh. You okay?

It's okay. I still have a boner.

I can't get this thing off.

It's a bralette.

It's like a training bra,

but for adults.

Ah! God!

Oh...

[Passionate sighing]

Yeah, I like it...

Oh!

- Ah!

- Ah, that felt good...

That's it.

[Theme music ends on cue]

Ah, sh*t.

Oh, my God.

Oh...

[Sounds of people talking]

[Sounds of ongoing party]

[Guests abruptly go silent]

Hi.

What's the occasion?

Do you wanna get

some breakfast or something?

No.

You stepped on my shoe, Dude.

Go.

We can get brunch somewhere

else.

No.

You can't smoke here.

Go.

Not on your property.

Come on smart ass, just go!

Dude, hey, what the hell!

Do you want to hang out later?

- No.

- Alright.

- Jesus Christ.

- Okay, great...

Well, awesome.

- We did just boop, you know.

- Oh God.

Alright, well, I'll call you.

I don't have your number!

I'll google you.

Alright, well, have fun.

Save a piece of cat cake for me.

[Door on pickup slamming]

[Sound of glasses tinkling]

While we all mourn the loss

of a member of our community,

it's important to think of this

as a celebration of a life.

- To Mr. Roosevelt.

- To Mr. Roosevelt.

And thank you to Melanie

for making this beautiful pie.

I flew the pecans in

from South Carolina.

But it's nothing compared

to Bethany's cake.

I just found the picture

on Facebook,

the cake shop did the rest.

Very thoughtful, Bethany.

Thank you.

Everybody,

let's take a picture together!

Okay, everybody get in.

Oh my God.

Alright.

Oh, get the pie...

in the picture and the cake,

it's so beautiful.

Beautiful!

Resident photographer here.

Group effort.

Oh and don't forget this!

You hold it.

You were like his aunt.

Okay.

Alright, everybody squeeze in.

One, two, three...

Say Mr. Roosevelt.

Mr. Roosevelt!

I got it.

Be sure to tag me.

Of course.

I want to propose a toast,

to all of you who came today.

It's been tough the past

few days for me and Eric,

but I think Mr. Roosevelt

would have really appreciated

all of us coming together.

So thank you.

- We love you.

- We love you, guys.

And I want to

especially thank Emily Martin.

If it wasn't for her, I would

never have gotten to know him.

To Emily.

To Emily.

Don't you f***ing do that.

Excuse me?

I know what

you're doing, Celeste.

I don't know

what you're talking about?

"If it wasn't for her,

"I wouldn't have gotten

to know him?"

Okay, we get it.

You're amazing.

You win!

You got the guy!

You got the house!

Emily?

Sweetie...

We all understand.

It's okay. We're hurting too.

I'm sorry. Do I know you?

Oh, I'm Bonnie.

Oh okay, Bonnie,

I have a question.

Did you know him?

Did you know Teddy Roosevelt?

No, but I heard a lot about him.

Oh, you heard a lot about him.

That's the thing right there.

None of you knew him.

You're not here because

you care about Mr. Roosevelt.

You're here because

you care about yourselves.

So you can take pictures

for your Instagrams

and your Facebooks,

And you can say

"I did something, I was there."

And you, you bought pecans

from another state?

Did you overnight it?

What is that?

That's insanity!

That's f***ing insane!

That's an insane thing to do!

Emily, maybe you've had

too much to drink.

You think?

Emily...

I know why you're acting out,

and it's okay.

Oh, do you?

You seem to know

everything else,

so that's not a surprise,

so why don't you

tell me Celeste why.

You just feel guilty.

Oh do I?

Yes, you feel guilty

for leaving him.

I'm actually really happy that

you and Eric found each other,

I think it's really special

what you have so...

Congratulations.

No Emily, not Eric.

Mr. Roosevelt.

IT'S JUST A F***ING CAT!

[Everyone gasping]

No, no, no.

Emily...

Emily, put Mr. Roosevelt down.

You don't have to do this.

Emily...

Emily... Please.

Emily.

I'm sorry.

Ohhh!

Get her!

[Theme music comes up]

Mr. Roosevelt!

[Partygoers calling out]

[Theme music stops]

[Knocking]

Jen!

Okay, just calm down,

just start from the beginning.

What happened with Eric?

Okay, after we left the party,

we kind of, sort of kissed.

And then we had a fight.

And then, I don't...

I'm such a f***-up.

I don't know why I did it...

Dude, you kissed him. I don't

see what the big deal is.

No, Jen, I f***ed Art.

What?

And I woke up with him

at Eric's place.

Emily.

There were all these people

there,

and there was a cake with a picture of Mr.

Roosevelt on it.

And I freaked out

and then I took the ashes.

You took the ashes?

I took the ashes.

Bad ass.

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