Mrs. Doubtfire Page #5

One drop or two? Would you like another?

Oh! There you go!

As you can see, I can't stay with you, dear.

I'm melting like a snow cone in Phoenix.

There we go again! I'll go get Danny.

He'll be right with you. Hold on.

- Danny!

- Coming, sis!

- It was lovely to have met you!

- Lovely to meet you.

- Had a little accident.

- Be careful this time. She's an old woman.

Why wasn't I an only child?

- Sorry.

- That's quite all right.

Ready? OK.

Did you have fun?

- What did you do?

- I painted a picture of a bunny.

The teacher liked it.

Here it is, Mel. $1,000 worth of hair.

What am I supposed to do with it?

- Alan, I was wondering if...

- You want one of them?

I'd rather make a coat for my wife.

All right, everyone.

It's time to expand your minds.

- It's homework time. OK?

- Yeah, but... after Dick Van Dyke.

No. Now.

No.

We always watch Dick Van Dyke.

Really? Well, not any more.

The only thing you'll be watching

is Deep Sea-N-N.

Now,

I know you're used to loosey-goosey.

But I run a much tighter ship.

Between the hours of 3pm and 7pm,

I'm in charge.

And when I'm in charge,

you will follow a schedule.

Those who do not follow the schedule

will be punished.

- Punished?

- She's lying.

She'd never punish us.

Don't... fuss with me.

This is exploitation. It's not fair.

- Shut up, Lydie.

- Yeah. You got us into this.

Ooh, my little ankle-biters.

Do I sense dissension in the ranks?

Are we ready for homework,

or shall we continue manual labor?

- No. Anything but this.

- Then upstairs, my little nose-miners.

Go. Flee before me!

Onward and upward!

Go pump some neurons.

Expand your craniums.

- I miss Dad.

- Me, too.

Me most.

I'm here, guys.

In some form.

Let's see.

OK. Pinch of basil.

Damn!

Mayday!

Oh, God! It's gonna blow!

Easy.

Damn. Calm down.

Come on.

How is it? Oh, my God.

It's clotted. Oh, God.

This hollandaise smells like burnt rubber.

God, it's hot in here.

Look at this! My first day as a woman

and I'm getting hot flashes.

- Hey, here's your food.

- How much is it?

- 135.27.

- 135 dollars?! That's certainly...

And 27 cents.

Four dinners. 20 bucks extra for rushing us.

Rushing? Well, you could have been

a little bit faster, dear.

- There's 140. Do you have change?

- No.

I thought you wouldn't.

Thank you very much.

Hello!

Hello! Anybody home?

- Where were you guys?

- Upstairs, doing our homework.

Mrs Doubtfire said we had to.

Oh, she did, huh?

Doing your homework. How great!

- Hi.

- Hi, honey.

Look at this place! It looks wonderful!

All spick-and-span.

Dinner is served, madam.

How lovely!

Mrs Doubtfire?

Lydia, dear. Get back inside

right now before you freeze.

Look... I just want to apologize

for being such a pain today.

- Oh, dear, it's all right.

- No, I'm really sorry.

It's just... I'm still kind of messed-up.

About everything.

We all are, sweetie.

What?

I just mean I understand

the pain you're all going through.

Yeah.

Well, I also wanted to thank you.

- For what?

- For making my mom so happy.

She hasn't been in this good a mood since...

I can't even remember.

It's been a long time.

- It has?

- Yeah.

Well, I gotta go back in, but...

- Go.

- OK. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Bye.

Thank you.

Oh, no.

Well, milady!

It's a pleasure to see you again!

A joy, as always.

I like that Mediterranean look in women.

Natural. Healthy.

Just the way God made ya.

He broke the mould when he made me, dear.

He made me very special.

He sure did.

Bless you.

I am not a crook.

"She kissed Stuart and thanked him. "

"'How was it down there? ' asked Mr Little,

who was always curious to know

about places he'd never been to. "

"'It was all right,' said Stuart. "

Back off, a**hole!

Beat it!

Broke my bag, the bastard.

Lover boy's here.

What a beautiful little car for Don Juan.

So sad when that happens!

It was our junior year in college, and your

mother got asked to design this big float.

- I wasn't that young.

- I went to kiss her...

Elastic bands were flying out everywhere.

Hit you in the face.

- That's not true!

- It was like Jaws.

- Isn't that the pretty picture!

- Oh. Mrs Doubtfire.

Miranda. What a pleasant surprise

to see you home so early, dear.

- And who is your gentleman caller?

- This is Stu.

- He just wanted to come and meet the kids.

- Oh, did he?

Ah, this must be the famous Mrs Doubtfire.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

Yes, well...

Miranda's been raving about you.

- Odd. She's never mentioned you.

- No?

- No.

- Well... It's good to meet you.

- You, too.

- Yes.

I have a home in London. I was born there.

What part of England are you from?

- Here and there, dear. All over, really.

- Yes?

- Accent's a little kind of... muddled.

- Really? So is your tan.

Dear, can you help me with something?

I found this outside.

Yes. This is off my Mercedes.

Off your Mercedes, dear?

You own that big, expensive car out there?

Oh, dear. They say a man

who has to buy a big car like that

is compensating for smaller genitals.

But not in your case, cos I see

that you're a strapping lad, aren't ya?

- It was lovely to meet you.

- You too, dear.

- Mrs Doubtfire, may I speak with you?

- Ooh, certainly, dear.

Could you stay

a few extra hours this evening?

Stu. That's more of a thick soup

than a name, really.

It's a name. It's short for Stuart.

- Is it?

- Yes. He's a client. And a friend.

- He was a friend. He is a friend.

- What is he?

- I don't know what's happening.

- What is it, dear?

- Isn't he fabulous?

- Kind of, dear.

If you like that handsome, rugged type.

But personally I prefer

short, furry and funny.

He just wants to go out and have a drink.

- I think that's pretty harmless. Don't you?

- Absolutely not, dear.

- They always have other intentions.

- This is business, mostly.

I'll just sip club soda

and we'll go over wallpaper samples.

Dear Miranda. Wake up

and smell the coffee, dear.

Can't you see the lust in that man's eyes?

It's too soon, dear. Really.

You've got to give your divorce time.

Let your sheets cool down before you bring

someone else into the bed. All right?

Mrs Doubtfire, may I ask you a question?

Certainly, dear.

How long after Mr Doubtfire passed away...

Winston.

...did you feel any desire...

Never.

Never again.

Once the father of your children

is out of the picture,

the only solution is

total and lifelong celibacy.

- Celibacy?

- Yes.

And if you violate that, heaven forgive ya.

Good luck.

Thank you.

"Preponderance. "

Bravo. "Discriminate. "

Oh, that's very good.

Will you excuse me, dear? Call of nature.

Check those. I'll be right back.

- Oh, God.

- Oh, God!

- Oh, my God!

- Chris! Wait!

Lydia! We gotta call the cops!

- We gotta dial 911 now!

- Why?

Mrs Doubtfire. He's a she!

What?!

- He's half man, half woman!

- What?!

- All right, everyone. Calm down.

- Freeze! Or you're gonna get it!

- In the balls!

- Yeah!

- She's got 'em?

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