Mrs. Doubtfire Page #6

- She's got everything.

All right. Listen to me.

I'm not... who you think I am.

- No sh*t!

- Watch your mouth, young man!

Oh, my God.

- Dad?

- Yeah.

- Dad?

- Yeah, honey.

You don't really like

wearin' that stuff, do you?

Well, some of it's comfortable... No!

It's a pain in the padded ass.

This is not a way of life. It's just a job.

I don't go to old-lady bars or

anything like that after work.

It's the only way

I could see you guys every day.

- Who did this?

- Uncle Frank and Aunt Jack.

It's really you in there.

Yeah.

It's just a mask. And this is a body suit.

I didn't have any operations or anything.

- It's good.

- Yeah.

Hi.

- Sorry I scared you. Come here, Chris.

- No. No, it's OK.

I get it. I just...

don't wanna hug you or anything.

- Not just yet.

- That's cool. It's a guy thing.

Yeah.

Well, now that you know,

you can't tell Mom, OK?

Cos if she finds out, I'll only be able

to see you through plate glass. OK?

And we can't tell Nattie,

cos she'll blow my cover.

So you have to promise me,

it's just us. All right?

- You promise?

- Yeah.

It's OK.

All right? It's our little secret.

Most of the dinosaurs were herbivorous.

But this Tyrannosaurus rex

is a carnivore.

The reptile-like Saurischia

and the bird-like

Ornithischia.

Now, we're going to go

where no human being has ever been.

Oh, no.

Which one's the dinosaur?

- The one in the middle, I think.

- Nah, you're wrong. They're all extinct.

I can't believe they're still

subjecting kids to this. This is insane.

There should be a disclaimer: Do not operate

heavy machinery while watching this show.

It's incredible.

This guy used to put me to sleep

when I was a kid. It's amazing.

He has the warmth of a snow pea. Makes

Mr Rogers look like Mick Jagger. It's insane.

What kind of idiot

kept this guy on the air for 25 years?

Me.

You?

Jonathan Lundy.

Jonathan Lundy, General Manager, owner?

Daniel Hillard, former employee.

Maybe.

That's funny.

I don't mean to criticize. I just...

- Sometimes I have...

- Criticize all you want. Show's terrible.

I'm gonna cancel it. It's pullin' down

the whole afternoon schedule. It's gone.

You know what you gotta do?

Start from scratch.

Give it... maybe a musical number.

- A little Tyrannosaurus rex comes out...

- Hillard, get your ass to the truck.

That shipment's gotta make

a six o'clock flight to LA.

Tone, this is Mr Lundy.

- He knows who I am.

- Yeah.

Did you ever wish that you could

freeze-frame a single moment in your day,

look at it and say "This is not my life"?

Miranda. What are you home early for, dear?

I had an appointment. Oh, thank you!

With the court liaison. Mrs Sellner.

- I can't believe it.

- What, dear?

She says Daniel has some woman

living with him pretending to be his sister!

- I told her he doesn't even have a sister.

- Mrs Sellner's probably mistaken.

She's a social worker, dear. Really!

And besides, how could he replace you?

And so quickly. Really!

She's supposed to be older

and very unattractive.

Really?

Mrs Doubtfire.

- Yes?

- Did you and Mr Doubtfire ever...

- You must have had your share of problems.

- Oh, of course, dear. What marriage doesn't?

But I always say: The bad times fade away,

and the good ones

adhere themselves to your memory.

- Yes. Excuse me.

- That's all right.

As I hold this cold meat,

I'm reminded of Winston. God rest his soul.

When did he... pass on?

Eight years ago, dear. This November.

What happened?

- He was quite fond of the drink.

- Ah.

- It was the drink that killed him.

- How awful.

- He was an alcoholic?

- No. He was hit by a Guinness truck.

So it was quite literally

the drink that killed him.

- How tragic!

- Yes.

Oh, but he was a good man, though, really.

A sainted man.

And despite his mountains of faults, dear,

I always say:
A flawed husband

is better than none at all.

- Who needs a husband when I've got you?

- Surely you don't mean that, dear?

- Well...

- Oh, that's so sweet!

You can't imagine what it was like

being married to Daniel.

Tell me, dear. What was so horrible

about this man you lived with for 14 years?

Well, at first, nothing.

He was so... romantic.

- So passionate.

- Really?

He sounds like an absolute stud, dear.

I hope you don't mind me

being a tad rude, but...

How was he... you know...

on a scale of 1 to 10?

Oh, well. That part was always...

OK.

Just OK?

He was probably a Casanova

compared to poor old Winston.

- What was the matter with Winston?

- Oh, dear.

Winston's idea of foreplay was

"Effie, brace yourself. "

It was Daniel's spontaneity and energy

I fell in love with.

Really?

Everyone else I knew

was so organized, so scheduled.

Like me, I guess.

But Daniel was so wonderfully different.

And funny. He could always make me laugh.

I always say:

The key to a solid marriage is laughter.

But after a few years,

everything just stopped being funny.

- Why?

- I was working all the time.

And he was always between jobs.

I hardly ever got to see the kids.

If I got home early to be with them,

something would go wrong.

The house would be wrecked

and I'd have to clean it up.

He never knew, but so many nights I just...

cried myself to sleep.

Really?

The truth is, I didn't like who I was

when I was with him.

I would turn into this horrible person.

I didn't want my kids growing up

with a mother like that.

When I'm not with Daniel, I'm better.

And... I'm sure he's better

when he's not with me.

Well, you never...

I mean... Did you ever

say anything to him, dear?

Daniel never liked

to talk about anything serious.

I used to think Daniel could do anything.

Except be serious.

But then, I was serious enough

for everybody.

- This is great!

- Isn't this posh!

I'll bet it's very exclusive. Probably need

a credit reference just to get in the pool.

- Amazing!

- Oh, Nattie.

Not a single body

that exists in nature. Look at that.

- Lydie...

- There's Stu!

Where? Oh. On the board.

Oh, isn't he a stunning piece of work?

Look, Nattie. That's called liposuction.

I hope he had protection,

hitting the water at that speed.

- Let's go say hi.

- Let's do, please.

- That's amazing.

- Stunning.

- Hello! You look lovely!

- Hi.

Oh, guys, I'm so glad you could make it.

- By the looks of you, that water's so cold!

- Yes, well...

Your tummy looks different from my daddy's.

Oh, Nattie! Not everyone has

their own personal trainer.

- Got your swimsuits? Wanna go for a dip?

- That'd be great!

- Good! How about you, Mrs Doubtfire?

- Oh, you wicked, wicked man!

Isn't there enough flesh here

for you to feast your eyes on?

- Come, Mrs Doubtfire. Don't be bashful.

- No, dear. They've outlawed whaling.

- We'd be re-enacting the Titanic.

- Come on, Mrs Doubtfire.

Oh, no. Just go. Leave me here.

I'll just sit in the sun and crisp.

You can't get heatstroke

twice in the same year.

OK. Well, let's go, kids. Swim time.

- Go, dear. I'll be fine.

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