Mrs. Doubtfire Page #8

for humoring an old lady.

- He's pissed already.

- Mrs Doubtfire?

- Would you like to join us?

- Oh. I thought I saw Clint Eastwood.

That would make my day!

He is such a stud-muffin.

Will you excuse me, dear?

I have to check my wrap.

- I can do it for you.

- Oh, no, please. I'm quite capable of...

All right, dear. There you go.

- Oh, and your bag too, ma'am.

- Drop it!

Oh, I'm very sorry, dear. It's my medicine.

- I have to go take my medicine now.

- We have water at the table.

I can't take it orally, dear.

I'll be right back.

- Would you like something to drink?

- Oh, yes. A good stiff Chardonnay.

I like 'em light and woody.

- Hello. Bridges Restaurant. May I help you?

- Yes. My name is Daniel Hillard.

Mr Lundy is expecting me for dinner. Will you

tell him I'm running late, but I'm on my way?

- I'll deliver the message personally, sir.

- Thank you.

Oh, Stu!

I hope you like it.

It's gorgeous! Thank you!

Did I miss anything?

Well, yes. Look. This is the gift

that Stu gave me for my birthday.

- Isn't it gorgeous!

- Is it real?

It is very real, Mrs Doubtfire.

You can either wear that or feed a small

country. That's so nice. So decadent.

Mommy, I need to go.

- Mrs Doubtfire, would you take her?

- No. You.

- She wants you, dear.

- Well, I'll be right back.

OK.

Yes, well...

Children, look at that lovely

dessert tray over there.

Why don't you go over and pick what

you'd like now so they could reserve it?

- We'll be back.

- All right.

That's a pretty impressive

bauble you got her.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

A fella gives a gift like that,

he wants more than a piece of her heart, eh?

Bit of a going-down payment, huh?

- Excuse me?

- You know, dear. Sink the sub.

Hide the weasel? Park the porpoise?

Bit of the old humpty dumpty?

- Little Jack Horny? The horizontal mambo?

- Mrs Doubtfire...

The bone dance, eh?

Rumpleforeskin? Baloney bop?

Bit of the old cunning linguistics? Hm?

- Mrs Doubtfire, please.

- Am I being a little graphic? Sorry.

- I hope you're up for a little competition.

- I beg your pardon?

She's got a power tool in the bedroom, dear.

It's her personal jackhammer.

She uses it and the lights dim.

It's like a prison movie.

Amazed she hasn't chipped her teeth.

I hope you bring cocktail sauce.

She's got crabs.

And I don't mean Dungeness.

I'm being blunt as a spoon, aren't I?

Forgive me.

It's the wine. Oh, gosh!

Be back in a flash.

All right? My tiny bladder.

- Mrs Doubtfire!

- What?!

- You're going into the men's room.

- No! Oh, so it is!

I do need new glasses, dear. Sorry!

Hello!

Jesus! God!

- Excuse me. May I have a menu?

- Of course.

- What's France like?

- Very beautiful.

Thank you very much.

- Mr Lundy.

- Oh, hi.

- Sorry I'm late. Did you get my message?

- Yes. Sit down.

- How about a drink?

- Sure. I'll have what he's having.

Double Chivas on the rocks.

Bring him two doubles so he can catch up.

- A Scotch drinker, huh? That's my kinda guy!

- Gentlemen, start your engines.

- OK, everybody. Are we ready to order?

- Yes, I believe we are. Children, fire away.

Shouldn't we wait for Mrs Doubtfire?

Yes.

- How are we doin' over here?

- No, no.

Oh, yes.

Now...

What can you do

to help the ratings on the kid show?

Bottom line:
Don't patronize kids.

They're little people.

You gotta personalize it. Make it fun.

If it's something you'd enjoy, they'd enjoy it.

- That's what I'm interested in.

- Bingo!

Well, I wonder what's happened

to Mrs Doubtfire.

- We could cross over to the news.

- Would you excuse me for a moment?

But...

- May I help you, ma'am?

- Yes, dear. Thank you very much.

- Oh, my goodness!

- I'm so sorry! It's my fault.

- Forgive me. Excuse me.

- I'm all right. There we go.

Thank you. Oh, let's see here!

- May I take your order, ma'am?

- Oh, yes.

Let's see. I'll have the poached salmon.

- And you, sir?

- I'll have the jambalaya.

- Make mine not spicy. I'm allergic to pepper.

- Certainly, sir.

Thank you. Cheers. Your health.

Oh, my God.

So sorry about that. Just one moment.

Carpe dentum - seize the teeth.

Let me assist you.

A spoon. Oh, how clever. Wait. I've got it.

Wait. There. Make a pincer.

Come at it from both sides. Together - up.

Thank you. There it is.

Just shake them off, like a dog.

Sorry. Oh, forgive me.

- That's all right.

- Sorry about my spray.

I'll be right back. I just have to

re-attach them with a little adhesive.

- Tell him to pure the salmon, if you will.

- Pure the salmon.

Thank you. Sorry about that.

Oh, that one.

Oh. I didn't know there was

someone else in here. Sorry.

Damn it! Oh, there it is.

Excuse me.

Where the hell have you been?

I ordered you another Scotch.

Bully!

Daniel?

Are you wearing ladies' perfume?

Yes, I am.

Are you wearing lipstick?

Yeah.

Why?

- It rubbed off.

- From whom?

A girl I used to date. She's a waitress.

- A waitress? Here?

- Oh, yeah.

On the way to the bathroom...

Couldn't keep her hands off me.

- You dog!

- You scallywag!

I got the stretch outside.

Does your girlfriend have a girlfriend?

- Hey, it's the '90s.

- No, no! I mean...

Does she have a lady friend for me?

- Go ahead. Ask her.

- I'll go ask her.

Go on. Come on, go get 'em!

Hey, Dan!

I need my order for table 39!

- Relax. I'll be out in a minute.

- Thank you! Great.

Table 39!

Hot jambalaya!

- Can I help you, ma'am?

- Sorry I'm late.

But after all those Scotches

I had to piss like a racehorse.

- Daniel?

- Yeah.

Why in God's name

are you dressed like a woman?!

Oh, damn.

Well...

I'd like you to meet

the host of your new show.

Host?

Euphegenia Doubtfire, dear. I specialize in

the education and entertainment of children.

Surprise!

Oh, thank you very much.

- This looks terrific.

- Where's Mrs Doubtfire?

Well, I hope the dear lady's all right.

- Shall we start?

- Yes. Let's start. I don't want it to get cold.

Tell me. Why would Mrs Doubtfire

be a good host?

I'm a hip old granny who could

hip-hop, bebop, dance till ya drop,

and yo, yo, make a wicked cup of cocoa.

Stu?

Oh, he's choking. He's choking!

Help us! Somebody help!

He's choking! Help us!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

- He's choking here! Call 911!

- Oh, no. I killed the bastard.

- Mrs Doubtfire! Help us! He's choking!

- Help is on the way, dear!

- Mrs Doubtfire!

- Help is on the way!

- Mrs Doubtfire, he's choking!

- Hold on, dear.

One more time, dear. Work with me!

Come on!

I'm all right.

- Are you all right?

- Yes.

Almost lost ya.

- Dad.

- Oh, my...

Daddy?

Yeah, honey. It's me.

Happy birthday.

Daniel...

Daniel! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

The whole time...

- The whole time?!

- I'm sorry, Miranda. Please?

Don't talk to me! Don't touch me!

I have to go. We have to leave now.

I have to leave!

We have to leave now!

I have to go! We're going.

- You guys go.

- I'm sorry, Dad.

Bye.

Sorry about the pepper. I was...

What are you lookin' at? Show's over.

Miss Robeson,

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