Muppet Treasure Island Page #5

---

Steady as she goes.

Oh. Mr Silver, good evening.

Wicked fog tonight, sir.

Reminds me of the night|we ran aground off the pampas.

Half the crew drowned|in leaky lifeboats.

Ah, it were|a terrible shame.

- Leaky lifeboats?|- Oh, a common occurrence, sir.

A little-used piece of equipment|falls into disrepair...

- and becomes, shall we say...|- Unsafe?

Oh, I'm not sayin'|our lifeboats are unsafe, sir.

I'm not sayin'|we got problems...

Still...

Hmm. Hmm.

The caulking appears tight.|No dampness under the gunwale.

This one seems seaworthy.

Well, sir, they do, of course, until|you get them out in the open ocean.

- Cast me off, Mr Silver.|- Oh, yes, sir.

Oh, sir, is there anything I can|hold for you for safekeeping?

Your hat? Your coat?

- Your keys?|- Hmm? My keys?

Of course. If they were to fall|overboard, it would be disastrous.

Oh, that it would, sir.

Cast me off, Mr Silver!

Aye, aye, sir!

Thank you, Mr Silver.

Just doin' my duty, sir.

Oh, yes,John.

Man overboard!

Yes.

- I'm sorry, sir.|- Wha...

Mr Arrow's gone overboard,|and...

all we found was his hat!

Oh, no.

And so, my friends, the sea has claimed|another loyal officer and friend.

- This was a person who served...|- I got it! I got it!

Okay, after you, Monty.

- No, after you. - Will|you just come on. - Okay.

Mr Samuel Arrow,|a wonderful man who...

used to get us up from our beds|before dawn for a good flossing.

- Okay, okay. Now, spread out and find the map.|- Yeah.

May the wind be ever at your back,|Samuel Arrow. Rest in peace, my friend.

- Amen.|- Amen.

Shh.

- See? See?|- Wait. Open it. Open it.

No, no, no, we gotta take it|to Long John. Come on.

This apple has a worm in it.

That's not a worm.|That's my tail.

What's wrong?

- It just feels so weird.|- You mean, that Mr Arrow's dead?

Yeah, that, and my pants|are filled with starfish.

You and your hobbies!

Rizzo!

- Jim, we've missed you! Climb in!|- Can't. I'm doing my chores.

- Oh, come on. Share an apple.|- Yeah, come on!

- Anyway, here's the plan.|- I say we should kill that captain now.

- And then we'll get that twit of a bear!|- Can we make a rug out of him?

Oh, hi, Long John.

I'm an easy man.|A gentlemen of fortune, says most.

But it makes me sick at heart|to sail with the likes of you.

Now, get this straight.

If anyone mutinies|before I says so...

I'll throw you overboard|like I did that scurvy mate Mr Arrow!

I says, let the captain|steer us closer to the island.

I've got the lad's|treasure map now.

When the time is ripe,|we'll kill 'em all!

- That's what I said! - That's what|I said! - We're gonna kill them all!

- Land ho!|- Come on, lads! Let's go!

Yea! Land ho!

Oh, my goodness.

Land ho!

Beachfront property!

Retirement estates!

- Bikinis!|- Bikinis!

Throw the mainsail!|Drop anchor!

Bring her up hard of starboard,|helmsman. Prepare to lower the longboats.

Bring those barrels|over here, lads!

Helmsman, give a hand|with the longboats.

- Captain, may I speak with you?|- I'm sort of busy right now,Jim.

But, Captain, we just heard. Long John is|planning a mutiny, and he's got the treasure map.

- Yeah.|- I see.

- Mr Silver?|- Aye, aye, Cap'n!

Mr Silver, I want you|to take the crew ashore at once.

We need water and provisions.|Take as long as you want.

Sir! 'Tis a task to my liking, sir.|That it is!

- Quickly, boys. Gather the officers and meet me in my quarters. Quickly.|- Yes, sir.

This is a lucky break.|Captain lettin' us go ashore.

Us with the map and all.

It's like giving the treasure to us|on a silver platter.

Aye, that it is, Polly.|Never trust a silver platter.

Follow me, Beakie. Come along.

Jim, lad!

There's room in the boat for one more.|Come along for an adventure.

- I-I can't. The captain wants me.|- Oh, what a shame!

I'll miss you, lad.|That I will.

Um,Jim! I seem to have|left my crutch on board.

Hand it to me like|a good lad, will ya?

There's a good boy.

Have to be a bit closer than that.|Can't reach it from there.

- Oh!|- Oh! Ah!

Cast away, men!|Be quick now!

Go, go, go!|Don't splash!

The plan is simple.

Once the pirates are ashore,|we set sail and return in a year or so.

- By then, all the fight should be out of'em.|- Oh, now I understand.

That's a brilliant plan.

- Except for one thing.|- What's that?

The pirates have Jim!

I'm tired!

- You're what?|- I'm gettin' tired!

- He says go faster.|- I'm gettin' tired!

Hey, man! I can't figure out|what side we're on.

Are we with the pirates|or the frog captain?

Oh, hey, man,|just play the gig.

Never get involved in politics.

Politics!|Politics!

Jim, lad!

Easy,Jim.|'Tis all in good fun.

Pleased I am to initiate you|into our enterprising, um, company.

Which entitles you|to all the benefits thereof.

- But I don't want any benefits. - This|is a one-time special offer,Jim, lad.

Say no, and I will be forced|to, um, terminate our relationship.

- You're nothing but murdering pirates.|- Pirates!

Pirates. Oh,Jim.

If that's what|you're thinking...

you're dead wrong.

When I was just a lad

Looking for my true vocation

My father said|Now, son, this choice

Deserves deliberation

Though you could be a doctor

Or perhaps a financier

My boy, why not consider|a more challenging career

Hey, ho, ho

- You'll cruise to foreign shores|- Sing it, lads!

- And you'll keep your mind and body sound by working out of doors|- Show him you been practisin'!

True friendship and adventure|are what we can't live without

- And when you're a professional pirate|- That's what thejob's about

Upstage, lads!|This is my only number.

Now take Sir Francis Drake|The Spanish all despise him

But to the British he's a hero|and they idolize him

It's how you look at buccaneers

That makes them bad or good

And I see us as members|of a noble brotherhood

- Hup!|- Hey, ho, ho

- Oh, I love it! - We're honourable|men - 'Tis poetry in motion.

And before we lose our tempers|we will always count to ten

On occasion there may be|someone you have to execute

But when you're|a professional pirate

You don't have|to wear a suit

- What?|- I could have been a surgeon I like taking things apart

I could have been a lawyer|but I just had too much heart

I could have been in politics

'Cause I've always been|a big spender

And me, I could have been|a contender

Some say that pirates steal

And should be feared and hated

I say we're victims|of bad press

It's all exaggerated

We'd never stab you|in the back

We'd never lie or cheat

We'rejust about the nicest guys

You'd ever want to meet

Well, look at us,Jim.

We're a festival|of conviviality.

Congeniality.

- That's conviviality, stupid.|- That's what I said.

We're ready, O capitn.

Good. You men guard the ship while I'm|gone. We'll be back as soon as we get Jim.

- Aye, aye, Captain.|- Cast off, Mr Beaker.

Thanks for coming along, men.

- Are you kidding? Jim is family.|- Yeah.

Tell the truth, lad.

Do you really think the captain|and the squire...

are planning to share the treasure|with the likes of us?

Rate this script:3.0 / 2 votes