My Friend Irma Page #8

- No, Steve.

It's not enough.

Sorry, but that's my best offer.

Richard, I'm leaving. Are you all right?

Miss Stacey.

Well, I'm gonna have to give you a raise.

- I've never had a secretary this efficient.

- But I...

- What is wrong, Seymour?

- What is wrong?

Look at my name.

Look at the size of my printing.

I don't know whether it says

"Seymour" or "no smoking."

Gives you a mysterious air, son.

Now, don't start complaining.

Things are breaking fine.

You and Steve have got a lovely home here.

And Jane, through Richard...

has fixed it for Steve to meet

Ralph Winston, the big Broadway producer.

- Ralph Winston? What about me?

- Your time will come, son.

Got to hold you back a little.

Don't want to push you too much.

- Save you for a rainy day.

- Rainy day?

I got some news for you, Al.

I get hungry in clear weather.

Okay, son. Am going to level with you.

Am man who believes in dealing

above board.

Seymour, has anyone ever told you

that you have a tragic face?

Tragic face? You listen to me, Al,

you worry about yours.

Don't mean it that way, friend.

You have a certain dramatic quality

in your expression, and I think...

with a little practice,

you can become a fine actor.

And that's where the money is. Today,

that's what they need, legitimate actors.

How do I become legitimate?

Well, it takes practice, my boy.

Now there's the mirror.

Take a look at yourself.

Now, if you notice,

you have deep expression in your eyes...

and a very sensitive chin.

All the qualities of a legitimate actor...

maybe even a great lover.

- Yeah, but isn't my voice too high?

- Not necessarily.

You can make love to tall girls.

What do I do to do

what you said I should do?

First thing, you've got to practice speaking.

Now, let's take

some dramatic sentence like...

"You say you love me,

but you don't even know I'm alive."

You say you love me,

but you don't even know. I'm alive?

No, no. Mustn't leave any opening for doubt.

Make it a definite statement.

You say you love me, but you don't even.

No, I'm alive.

Now, that's closer, kid. Keep practicing.

You say you know me,

and ain't it lovely to be alive?

You say you love me, and I've loved you.

Living and loving. Is that grand? No.

Why? I don't know.

- Yes?

- A Mr. Steve Laird is here.

Send him right in, please.

Al said you wanted to see me.

Steve, isn't it wonderful?

Mr. Rhinelander has arranged for you

to meet Ralph Winston...

the Broadway producer. Aren't you pleased?

You don't have to toss me a bone

by having him fix up a letter for me.

- I don't go for that kind of a payoff.

- That's not true.

I don't play angles, Jane.

Yes?

Richard, I've changed my mind.

If you still want me to meet your mother

for dinner tonight...

I'd be more than pleased.

Tonight, over this same station,

it's your Lucky Jackpot Program...

with a grand prize

of $50,000 worth of merchandise...

so be sure you're home.

Don't worry. I won't go anyplace tonight.

I'm sorry, but... Hello, Al, honey.

Al, you're all out of breath.

You shouldn't let yourself get that way,

because breath is good for you.

Look, Chicken, came here for comfort,

not to be analyzed.

And shut that doggone radio off.

- AI, what's the matter? Is anything wrong?

- Wrong?

Chicken, saw a pot of gold

at the end of a rainbow.

Just when I'm about to grab it,

rainbow disappears.

- Now, haven't even got a pot.

- AI, you always have me.

You have something to eat,

and you'll feel better.

Am almost too depressed to eat.

And it's all that Jane's fault.

She'll hear you.

Don't care if she does.

First, I get that Richard blind,

so he'll appreciate my proposition.

She drags him away.

Then when he finally comes through for me,

she has to have a fight with Steve...

and he walks out

and goes back to the orange juice stand.

I'm so sorry, Al.

Tell you, Chicken,

if that Jane wasn't a dame...

and I was in better condition,

I'd haul off and slug her.

But, Al, everything's fine.

Jane's in there getting dressed

to meet Richard's mother tonight.

His mother.

Chicken, this puts

a whole new complexion on it.

It does?

Why, this is the greatest thing

that ever happened.

I got a millionaire brother-in-law!

Bless that Jane. She's a sweet kid,

the salt of the earth.

But, Al, you know what worries me?

I wonder if Jane really loves Richard.

After all, money doesn't bring happiness.

Chicken, the guy who said that

is still seeing his psychiatrist.

Got to run along.

Got to get a hold of Steve

and convince him that he can go places...

if he'll forget Jane and leave her to Richard.

What do you want me to do, Al?

Nothing, Chicken, absolutely nothing.

You don't have to worry.

I'm very good at doing nothing.

Great, Chicken, because if you meddled

in this, our marriage could be delayed...

conservatively speaking, years and years.

Will be back for supper.

Jane, want me to help you get dressed?

Jane?

Janie, what's wrong?

Nothing, Irma. Nothing. I'll be all right.

Tell me all about it.

You can think of me as a mother...

but then don't go around

telling anybody my age.

Irma, all my life I've wanted

to marry a millionaire...

and now, when I finally got one

and I'm ready to reel him in...

I have to fall in love with a guy

who hasn't even got enough money for bait.

You mean Steve.

- Gee, what're you gonna do?

- I don't know, honey. I just don't know.

My heart's got ahold of my head,

and it's shaking it by the throat.

Honey, you really are in a mess.

Excuse me, Mrs. Rhinelander,

there's a Miss Peterson asking to see you.

Miss Peterson?

I don't know any Miss Peterson, Henry.

She says it's in regard to Miss Jane Stacey,

Mr. Rhinelander's secretary.

Show her in, Henry.

Mrs. Rhinelander will see you now,

Miss Peterson.

Thank you.

Wait a minute.

- Excuse me.

- Miss Peterson?

Yes, I'm the roommate

of your son's secretary.

I see. Won't you sit down?

Thank you.

My, if you'll excuse the expression,

you're the spitting image of Richard.

Except that he shaves.

Thank you, I think.

- Would you care for some tea?

- No, thank you.

- A cocktail?

- No, thank you. Gum?

- Not right now.

- Cigarette?

Thank you. For Al.

Mrs. Rhinelander,

I'll come right to the point.

Now, you're a woman, and I'm a woman...

so I think we should discuss this matter

as man to man.

I beg your pardon?

I don't know if you know it,

but my roommate...

a Jane Stacey, works for your son.

I'm learning.

Naturally,

since she's a girl and he's a fellow...

you can't take dictation all day.

Opposites attract.

You understand, don't you?

You mean the relationship between my son

and his secretary is more than business.

It's a pleasure to know

you're as sophisticated as I am.

You see, I know all about life,

because I'm practically engaged.

Well, congratulations.

You see, Jane has one terrible fault. She's...

- I can't even say it.

- What is she, a neurotic?

Her religion has nothing to do with it.

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