My Man Is a Loser Page #11

Someone to

Carry me through

Hold me through

That's Samuel's granddaughter.

My grandson's a scientist,

and his sister is a doctor.

Who cares? When are you

going to treat me like a bad girl?

It takes a concert to get you

to take me on a date?

Who said this is a date?

I'm a lesbian.

Get over it. You're almost dead.

Try something new.

Excuse me, guys.

You think flowers are going to fix this?

This is actually for Emily, not you. But...

I'm going to do whatever

it takes to fix this, and you know why?

Because I love you.

Hydraineas.

Hydrangeas.

Hydran... No, these are... Well.

You say... That's the French way.

I say it the Latin way.

You see that? That's for you.

You hold onto that for me.

It's good to see you, Marty.

You made quite the impression

the other night.

Well, I appreciate you guys coming out

for a drink this evening.

Well, it's not every day

you get scolded in a strip club.

I thought it was quite

an original approach.

As a matter of fact,

it's the first time it's ever happened.

Yeah, well a lot was going on that night.

I was on antibiotics

and I had an allergic reaction

to something I drank.

Plus those strobe lights.

It's true that they make you crazy.

I'm lucky

the whole thing didn't turn into a seizure.

This is my friend Mike,

and he's going to hopefully make us feel

like that night never even happened.

How are you? Nice to see you guys.

We're gonna have fun tonight.

I'd like you to meet some of my friends.

Janine, Elaina, Suzie and Sarah,

each and every one a virgin.

I like him already.

Every bunch needs a wrangler.

Cheers, Mike.

Yeah, Mike's the best in the city.

- That's right.

- Sit down, guys, let's have some fun.

- What are you drinking?

- Vodka for me.

Hey, you ever have that shooting pain

that starts in your neck

and goes to your head?

Hey-

You brought a date.

- Josh.

- Hey, Josh, how are you?

Four girls not enough for you, player?

Player?

We'll be out on the dance floor.

Sorry, we're... Champagne?

- Want some champagne?

- Yeah.

- No! Don't cork me! Don't cork me!

- Oh, oh, oh!

Look out, Marty! Look out, Marty!

Whoa! Here we go.

Let's get some glasses!

Listen, again,

I want to apologize about the other night.

I'm sorry about the rugby stuff,

and I know you guys

come from a tough culture.

I mean, look at me,

I'm just a Jew from Long Island.

Not a tough culture.

I was just blowing off some steam,

you know,

I had one too many happy drinks.

Don't sweat it, Marty. It's all business.

We're just going to figure out our next

move and see if you' | | be part of it.

Well, I hope so. And for what it's worth,

I think we'd be a great fit.

I know we'd work hard by you guys

and try to do the best we can.

Yeah, for what it's worth,

I've known this guy since he was a kid.

He's a good man right here.

We're gonna switch him to decaf

happy drinks, but he's a good man.

Cheers.

And now, Paul couldn't make it, no?

Well, he might come,

he might not come. I'm not sure yet.

But I'm here. And Mike's here.

- And you know, so is she.

- And so is she.

More champagne!

- My granddaughter is a star.

- Yes, she is.

Emily, you were amazing.

Thanks, Grandpa.

Now don't be such strangers, you two.

I know my son- in- law, Mr. Big Shot

with the work and travel and...

I got it.

You got it? Or you get it?

I get it.

Babe, here. You take this.

Go sell your company.

- Really?

- Go.

Okay, only because you're telling me to.

And duty calls.

And I will see you guys...

Love you, okay.

Good job, you know, raising her.

And you, you're my life.

You know that, right?

- And you were amazing, you know that.

- Love you, Dad.

And I take full credit for all your talent.

- You know that as well. Bye. Okay.

- I love you so much.

Great! You gotta kind of...

Even though...

- But still, there's a whole...

- I know. I know.

Hey-

Clarissa? Can I...

Hi. Can I ask you a quick question?

Is there any reason

why you brought this a**hole down here

when you knew

how important this meeting was?

Why would you call him an a**hole

and who is this important meeting for?

My friends.

Well, maybe you need to start

doing things for yourself

and not your friends as much.

Don't you think your life

and your business could use a little help?

Where is this coming from?

What are you talking about?

I simply called you,

asked you to come down by yourself,

maybe bring a couple of girls, you know,

I wanted to have

an impressive night for my boys.

Yeah, don't worry, your image of Cool Mike

will not be tarnished.

You're still the player

that everyone needs to live through.

Well, Clarissa, maybe,

maybe I don't want to be that guy anymore.

Really?

Because I came by to say hi the other day,

and that same girl was leaving

in the middle of the day!

What, Lexi?

She was just returning my jersey!

Is that what you call it?

Because you have a name for everything.

What is that, "The Jersey Return"?

Is that what it's called?

You got a problem?

Yeah, as a matter of fact,

I do have a problem.

Yeah, obviously, I see you waving at me

like some kind of pansy.

- Get the f*** outta my face.

- All right.

Look, I'm done! I'm outta here.

Goodbye. Go f*** yourselves.

Good one, Don Juan!

Real romantic, Casanova.

F*** off!

Go make yourself a drink.

Excuse me? Young lady, excuse me?

- That's our drink.

- Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

- It's cool, right?

- No, actually, it's not cool.

This is our table, and this is our alcohol,

so if you'd like to have a drink,

maybe she should go to the bar, right?

Okay? Thanks. Got it?

I don't really think I got it.

Come here, let me explain it to you.

See, this is our table, right?

And we paid a lot of money for it,

so if you want a drink

or your friends want a drink,

have them go to the bar.

It's just a drink, dog.

No, it's not just a drink.

It's our drinks, right?

And that's our table that we paid for.

So, if you and your guest want alcohol,

go to the f***ing bar.

That is weak, chief.

- Excuse me?

- Relax, captain.

All right, you know what, if you call me

one more name that isn't mine,

- I'm gonna f*** you up.

- You're gonna f*** me up?

Yeah.

This f***ing guy, huh?

What's going on?

What's up?

Hell. guys. Miss me?

- Paul, you made it!

- Yeah.

Looks like you got

all your girlfriends now, huh?

You know what,

you called me a lot of names today,

but there's one that you forgot.

- What's that?

- It's...

I'm sorry, guys.

- They didn't say anything?

- No, they didn't say anything.

- They just walked out?

- They just walked out.

F***.

Hello.

Hi.

ok3Y-

Wow.

You think you could pay attention to this?

I think for the rest of my life, yeah.

I love you.

I love you, too.

You're my fantasy.

Did I tell you that? No?

ok3Y-

- Babe?

- Yeah?

You just did something to your back,

didn't you?

I've done a little something. Yes.

There is some Aleve right here

in this drawer next to me.

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