My Year Without Sex Page #5

Are you all right?

No, I'm not all right.

Is that your dog?

No, no.

I was just trying to help.

- Oh. I'm... sorry.

- I'll call the council.

I'll give you a lift to the vet.

Is she going to be all right?

She's going to be fine.

Where did you get that?

New contract caterers

have taken over the canteen.

Bite?

Is it the church one?

The one that has the burger chain

and runs the prisons?

I don't know. It's a hot dog.

It comes with mustard and onions.

Tim, you know you're not supposed

to be eating near the equipment anyway.

The dog was very big,

with one of those

massive heads and jaws.

I rushed to protect my children.

Ho ho.

Customer Relations.

I thought it was

bigger than that.

It looks cute.

Is that the same dog?

I can't do it. I can't be

responsible for putting a dog down.

What if it attacks another puppy?

Yeah, but what if it...

was on heat or something,

and just got out that once?

What if it's some family's pet?

What if it attacked a baby?

Well, you can't kill something

just in case it does something.

They're going to kill it?

That's what "putting down" means, Lou.

You don't have to reply.

Well, something happens

if you do nothing.

Tell the truth.

But what truth?

Mum.

Well, that Bubblehead's at the vet

on life support that we can't afford.

Mum, you told me

that Bubblehead would be all right.

Maybe you should have been honest.

My tooth came out.

Okay. We're in front.

We've only got a minute left.

uRoss, tell them to maintain possession.

Backwards passes, round the outside./u

Stall.

No kicks for goal.

Boys, to me.

Listen, maintain possession.

Small passes.

Don't let them get their hands on it.

All right?

And no shots for goal.

Okay?

Louis, no kicks for goal!

uPass it back, Louis!

Kick it backwards./u

Louis,

Louis, over here. To me!

Good boy.

Yes!

They should just play the game.

It doesn't matter who wins.

Just because it doesn't matter to you.

They've worked really hard all season.

It's the Under 12s.

- Louis wanted to win.

- Louis wanted to play the game.

Using tactics is the game.

It's not chess, Ross!

It's a bunch of kids running around

a field with a ball, playing.

God, you're turning into Greg.

What?

Into a man who looks after his family?

Spend his time with his kids?

From three wives that I bet he cheated on.

Like he cheats on his tax.

How long has it been?

Wow, it's like a record,

even for the tooth fairy.

I don't think she's going to come.

She will.

It's not like you

were ever a blokey bloke.

You still haven't fixed the dryer.

You can't put this Ikea stuff together.

You burn everything on the barbecue.

You're a crap driver.

And now it's all this blokey crap

football crap instead of fair play.

- Fair play?

- Yeah.

You know,

ever since you started going to church...

What the f***

has church got to do with it?

Margaret sucked you in

when you were vulnerable.

Maybe I needed someone.

Right, but not me.

Not the bloke who sat by your bed

for ten days while you nearly died.

You did die.

Did you even think for one second...

what that was like for me?

I was unconscious.

Oh, right.

So that means I wasn't really there.

She listens.

I spend my whole life listening, Nat.

I do nothing but listen.

And what do you listen to, Ross?

Background noise and...

decibels, and...

whether or not people can...

sing in tune!

There's mess everywhere.

- Hi.

- Hi!

I hope you don't mind me...

You look great.

Um, what do you think? Too much?

Too much for...?

I've got a date.

He's a little bit

older than that.

- Does he know you're a priest?

- Not yet.

We've only met for coffee,

but I felt like

there was really something...

I like Paul.

The name. The apostle. The Beatle.

Come with me.

On your date?

Please.

Please come. We can say

we just bumped in to each other.

No.

I'll just say I wanted him

to meet one of my friends.

What kind of guy

would arrange to meet here?

Well, not an epileptic.

I suppose they give heaps back

to charity through taxes.

Robbing the poor to give to the poor.

I really should go.

Please stay. Just 'til he comes.

We didn't try and cheat,

did we, Dad?

No, Louis, we didn't.

There are your friends. Go. Have fun.

I'll meet you back here at nine.

Can we see that, Dad?

Look, I think

we might go visit Uncle Greg.

Hi.

Hi.

What are you buying?

Auntie Winona

thinks we need a new kitchen.

I have no idea why,

this one's practically brand new.

Well, A, it's a carbon neutral nightmare.

B, Adrienne can never clean it properly.

And C, I obviously don't get enough sex.

Don't you ever marry

an older man, Ruby.

You go for someone

who's young and hot,

and who's prepared to

lick honey off your toes.

Can't fight with Winona.

All our unencumbered stuff - the house,

the blue-chips... they're in her name.

All the high-risk stuff -

the margin-lending...

that's in my name.

Everything's geared

against everything else.

It's so complex. I don't know whether

we're winning or losing most of the time.

Capitalism, it's exhausting.

I don't know what God wants for me.

Why does He give me these feelings,

then not answer my prayers?

I still want to...

share my life with someone.

As well as God.

I've been trying to pray.

I'm sorry,

I just can't believe

in something having control.

I've tried.

Believe me,

it would have been so much easier than,

you know...

Why am I here? What's it all for?

Who's steering the boat?

Me believing in God is...

like you believing in Santa Claus.

I do believe in Santa Claus.

Seriously, do you think that

I will go to hell if I don't believe in God?

It's not me.

It's what it says in the bible.

It's what God says.

- One more drink?

- Yeah.

Have a go.

Oh, aren't priests allowed?

No, it's not...

Well, it's trying

to get something for nothing.

And someone has to lose for you to win,

so it's not loving your neighbour.

Isn't faith a gamble?

No. It's faith.

Go on. I dare you.

See if God punishes us.

Go on. One little push.

Here we go.

Oooo...

Hey.

Hello.

Having a good night?

I'm just waiting for my friends.

They're still in the movie.

Didn't you like it?

What's it about?

Mostly boys kissing girls.

You prefer boys?

To what?

- To girls.

- Depends.

- On what?

- On what you're doing.

Girls aren't as good at football.

Except for Stacey. She's fantastic.

I guess I meant... you know, sexy things.

I don't know.

I'm waiting til puberty 'til I decide.

How old are you?

- Twelve.

- Oh. You're a big boy for 12.

- So who do you barrack for?

- 'P ies.

And he's gone! Holding the ball.

What?

Come on.

Why didn't you like the movie?

It was supposed to be funny.

You should have rung me.

I don't have a phone.

Can I get one?

Maybe.

Look, I should have encouraged you

to take that shot at goal.

But I might have missed.

They might have got the ball,

and they might have won.

We won.

Yeah...

Yeah.

Yeah! Whoa!

I believe in miracles.

Where you from, you sexy thing?

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