Mystery Men Page #6

INT. INVISIBLE BOY'S ROOM - DAY

A teenage boy's room, decorated to the max with models and posters of

the great superheroes: Batman, Spiderman, Captain Amazing, etc.

INVISIBLE BOY, about fifteen, is being interviewed by the Raja, Mister

Furious, and the Shoveler.

FURIOUS:

So, let me get this straight. You have the

power to become invisible.

INVISIBLE BOY:

Yes.

RAJA:

But... only when no one is looking.

INVISIBLE BOY:

Yes.

FURIOUS:

If someone looks at you, you immediately become

visible again.

INVISIBLE BOY:

Yes.

RAJA:

So you're only invisible... to yourself?

INVISIBLE BOY:

No.

OUR HEROES:

(hopefully)

No?

INVISIBLE BOY:

If I look at myseif, I become visible.

RAJA:

So you're only invisible, when abuolutely no

one is looking at you?

INVISIBLE BOY:

Yes.

FURIOUS:

So how do you know that you've ever been

invisible?

INVISIBLE BOY:

I just know.

Our heroes are less than impressed.

FURIOUS:

Look, kid, we've got a lot of heroes to

interview--

INVISIBLE BOY:

(desperate)

I know I haven't got it entirely worked out

yet, but I've always dreamed of becoming a

superhero... Weren't you guys ever a kid?

Didn't you ever need someone to just give you a

chance?

ON OUR HEROES, looking around the room... and softening up.

INT. THE DINER - NIGHT

Our heroes sit at their usual table along with Invisible Boy and a

weird looking guy in a greasy, stained yellow superhero outfit. Across

his chest in falling off stick on letters it reads "THE SPLEEN", and

that's exactly who he is. Furious, the Raja, and Shoveler sit as far

away from him as possible. He is a totally noxious, hyperactive

person... and he is thrilled to be there.

SPLEEN:

Boy I can't tell you how thrilled I was when

you guys called--You gonna eat that pickle?

(sucks it in)

I've always dreamed of being a member of the a

real superhero team--and to have friends--real

friends--I mean guys I could live with--sleep

with--die with--eat with...

He puts the mustard dispenser to his lips and squeezes it straight into

his mouth.

SPLEEN:

I love mustard.

Furious, Raja, and the Shoveler react; they can't believe they've

actually invited this guy to join their group.

INVISIBLE BOY:

So what exactly is your superpower?

SPLEEN:

Well, when I was a kid I grew up on Love Canal-

-remember that?--and my brothers and I used to

go swimming in it--make Kool-Aid out of it--

stuff like that. Anyway my brothers all died,

but I lived, and I grew all these like weird

organs that have never been seen in humans

before. So now I can do things like this!

He leans over the table and lets just a little tiny drop of spittle

dribble onto the table...

CLOSE ON THE TABLE -

as the spittle burns a hole in the Formica.

SPLEEN:

Cool, huh?

The Spleen inadvertently gives the tiniest little burp, and our three

heroes duck out of the way or under the table.

FURIOUS, RAJA, & SHOVELER

Watch it!... Look out!... Whoa!

The people in the next booth give a cry of revulsion, put their hands

to their mouths, and immediately leave.

SPLEEN:

Sorry, sorry.

SHOVELER:

Hey, why don't you just put a cork in it?

SPLEEN:

I tried that once. The cork melted.

THE SAME - AFTER DINNER

Our heroes mull their situation over coffee. Monica freshens their

cups. The Spleen squirts mustard in his coffee.

SHOVELER:

There's just not enough of us.

FURIOUS:

But we know they're out there. Hundreds--maybe

thousands of lonely, unknown superheroes, who

desperately need a cause...

RAJA:

And a social life.

SHOVELER:

Yeah, but how do we get to them?

SPLEEN:

Obscene phone calls?

They ignore that suggestion.

MONICA:

Why don't you throw a barbecue?

(moves off to another table)

ON OUR HEROES, realizing that's it.

INT. INVISIBLE BOY'S ROOM - NIGHT - WITH MUSIC

Invisible Boy sits at the desk in his room, writing immaculate little

notes on small file cards. (He's made a whole pile of them.)

CLOSE ON THE NOTE -

which reads "Got superpowers? Want to fight evil? Then JOIN US and

let's PARTY HEARTY! Beer! Burgers! Babes!"

SERIES OF SHOTS - MUSIC CONTINUES

as our heroes post these notes all over the city, in places where

lonely superheroes night find them...

The Raja posts a note on the door of a comic book store...

The Shoveler posts a note on the bulletin board at a bowling alley...

Mr. Furious tapes the note to the cracked glass of a vandalized phone

booth...

At an abandoned drive-in movie theater... Invisible Boy walks through

the empty lot, taping a note to each of the old speaker posts...

A White Castle hamburger joint... Inside the pay toilet Spleen is

scratching something on the wall with a nail. He stops and admires his

handiwork, and we see that he has engraved the entire message on the

wall...

END MUSIC.

EXT. SHOVELER'S BACKYARD - DAY

A small, typical working class backyard. A round, aluminum above

ground pool. A Weber grill with burgers on it. Unopened packages of

hamburger rolls. An old Vic Damon record plays on a boom box. The

Spleen floats around on a rubber raft in the pool.

SPLEEN:

Come on in! The water's great!

In fact, the water is turning a yellowish green... The rest of our

heroes sit around on cheap folding chairs. No superheroes have shown

up. The Shoveler, at the grill, serves burgers to his kids, who stand

in line waiting for them.

BUTCH:

(heavy on the sarcasm)

Great picnic, Dad.

EDDIE JR.

Big turnout.

ROLAND:

Are these guys real superheroes?

LENORE:

They think so.

The kids scoff... A moment later they head back to the house with

their burgers.

ROLAND:

But where's Captain Amazing?

EDDIE JR.

He wouldn't be caught dead here.

They go into the house. No one says anything. The Shoveler just

stares at the burgers on the grill. Vic Damon sings. Furious chugs his

beer; he's working himself into a really morose mood.

ON THE SPLEEN, munching on a chlorine tablet.

SPLEEN:

Hey, these pool mints are delicious!

Raja looks at his watch.

RAJA:

Maybe there was traffic.

FURIOUS:

Who are we kidding? No one's gonna show.

We're living in a fantasy!

INVISIBLE BOY:

Come on, guys--we're fighting against evil.

FURIOUS:

Good or evil, what's the difference?

SHOVELER:

There's a big difference.

FURIOUS:

I used to believe that. Now I'm not so sure.

RAJA:

Roy, remember, it is all within your power.

The only thing that's in your way... is you.

FURIOUS:

Oh shut up.

Suddenly, there is a knock at the gate. Everyone immediately perks up.

INVISIBLE BOY:

They're here!

A moment later they open the gate and see... HALF A DOZEN BURLY GUYS

wearing various superhero outfits.

THEIR LEADER:

Hey, man, is this the superhero wingding?

RAJA:

This is it. Come on in!

SUPERHEROES:

All right! Party! (Etc.)

At first glance these guys seem promising... but their outfits are

decidedly improvised: weird goggles and sunglasses, shower curtain

capes, baseball caps with beer cans on them. Their leader holds a

squeegee with a long handle... Furious is suspicious.

RAJA:

I am the Blue Raja, Master of Silverware.

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