Mystery Men Page #7

THEIR LEADER:

I am Squeegee Man, and these are my compadres,

the Invincible Dudes!

The Invincible Dudes spot the keg.

INVINCIBLE DUDES

Whoa! Brews! Party! (Etc.)

They go immediately to the keg and start filling beer cups and guzzling

them down. The Raja tries to hand out some forms.

RAJA:

Would you mind filling out these forms; names,

addresses, description of superpowers, that

sort of thing.

INVINCIBLE DUDES

Sure, dude. No problem. (Etc.)

(but they just toss the forms away)

ON FURIOUS, watching, starting to get pissed off.

INVINCIBLE DUDE 1

Hey, man, like where are the babes?

INVINCIBLE DUDE 2

It said on the card there'd be babes!

RAJA:

Actually we lied about the babes, but there's

plenty of burgers.

INVINCIBLE DUDES

That's false advertising!... We came all the

way from South Champion, man! We coulda gone

plinking!... We coulda gone bunqee jumping!

SQUEEGEE MAN:

No babes. No peace.

INVISIBLE DUDES (chanting)

No babes--no peace! No babes--no peace! No

babes--no peace!

SQUEEGEE MAN:

Let's trash the place!

INVINCIBLE DUDES

Yeah!

Furious, fed up, confronts Squeegee Man.

FURIOUS:

If you're a superhero, what's your power?

SQUEEGEE MAN:

I am Squeegee Man.

(holding it out threateningly)

Touch my squeegee... and you die.

The Invincible Dudes are cracking up.

FURIOUS:

Can you fly?

SQUEEGEE MAN:

No.

FURIOUS:

Wanna bet?

EXT. JUST OUTSIDE THE YARD - CONTINUOUS

as Squeegee Man comes flying--and screaming--over the fence, landing

none too gracefully in the front yard.

A beat and his squeegee come flying out after him. Another beat and

the Invincible Dudes come running out the gate in a panic.

INVINCIBLE DUDES

Let's get out of here!... That dude's crazy!

They take off down the street, running right past a woman, carrying a

bowling ball bag and dressed in a faded, threadbare old rayon superhero

costume with a decidedly fifties flavor. She is THE BOWLER.

EXT. SHOVELER'S BACKYARD - A MOMENT LATER

Our heroes sit around the patio, dejected, miserable.

BOWLER (O.S.)

Who died?

They look up, see her standing there, and aren't quite sure what to

make of her.

RAJA:

Who are you?

BOWLER:

I'm the Bowler.

SHOVELER:

The Bowler? I remember him from when I was a

kid. He was killed years ago.

BOWLER:

I'm his daughter.

Our heroes share a look.

SHOVELER:

Look, honey, being a superhero... it's a

guy thing.

BOWLER:

Really?

She takes her bowling ball and spins it on the tip of her finger (like

a Harlem Globetrotter). For a long moment she just looks at them,

smiling.

ON THE OTHERS watching, almost mesmerized by the spinning ball...

Suddenly, she gives an ear splitting battle cry and starts swinging the

ball around her in wide ferocious arcs, like a cannibal with a war

club--or a twirler on meth, going so fast she almost becomes a blur...

Then, just as suddenly, she stops, aims and rolls her ball... It shoots

straight through Invisible Boy's legs...

ON A NEATLY PLACED COLLECTION OF PLASTER LAWN DWARVES -

as the ball smashes into then, pulverizing them... It goes into a

reverse spin, passes through Invisible Boy's legs again, and returns to

the Bowler who is holding its bag open for it... The ball rolls in.

BOWLER:

Good ball.

ON OUR HEROES, left absolutely speechless.

BOWLER:

If it could zip up its own bag, then you'd be

impressed, right?

She turns and walks out. Our heroes share an amazed look, then run

after her...

JUST OUTSIDE THE GATE - ON THE BOWLER

walking away... as Furious catches up with her.

FURIOUS:

Hey... Can I buy you a beer?

BOWLER:

I thought you'd never ask.

She takes his arm and they all start to walk back into the Shoveler's

backyard... but the CAMERA PANS ACROSS THE STREET to the dark place

between two houses, where a MAN WEARING A STRANGE STEEL MASK with a

frightening, impassively powerful expression stands in the deep

shadows, watching them in motionless, predatory silence. We do not

know who he is, and we cannot tell if he is good or evil.

BACK AT THE BARBECUE - A LITTLE LATER - CLOSE ON

A FADED OLD SNAPSHOT of the original "The Bowler" holding a little girl

in his arms.

BOWLER (O.S.)

He was more than just a superhero... He was my

father...

The others, touched by this, have gathered around the Bowler, who is

holding the old snapshot in her hand.

BOWLER:

And then one day, he didn't come home. The

police said it was an accident. But cargo

containers don't just fall on people. He was

murdered... After that I fell apart. I dropped

out of school, became a mud wrestler, married

and divorced a jerk. When my mother died I hit

bottom... but then, when I was cleaning out her

attic, I found my father's old bowling bag and

costume, almost like he'd left them there for

me... and I knew what I had to do.

SHOVELER:

So who killed him?

BOWLER:

The Disco Boys.

FURIOUS:

You know something? Those guys are really

starting TO PISS ME OFF!

SHOVELER:

But there's still only six of us.

FURIOUS:

SO WHAT?

BOWLER:

That's two more than the Fantastic Four.

FURIOUS:

Half a Dirty Dozen!

SPLEEN:

Twice the Three Stooges!

INVISIBLE BOY:

And only one short of the Magnificent Seven.

RAJA:

And you can't count Horst Buckholtz anyway.

BOWLER:

He was cute though.

RAJA:

But they all had one thing we haven't got.

SPLEEN:

Girlfriends?

RAJA:

A name. All the great superhero teams have got

a fabulous name.

They all think about it for a moment. You can almost smell their

brains overheating.

BOWLER:

How about... the Savage Six?

RAJA:

The Inscrutable Six?

SPLEEN:

The Six Pistols?

SHOVELER:

The Exterminators!

INVISIBLE BOY:

The Obliterators!

RAJA:

The Eradicators!

BOWLER:

The Emasculators!

SPLEEN:

Wait--I got it!... The Spleen Team.

He gets beaned by a couple of empty soda cans.

FURIOUS:

To hell with a name. Let's get to work.

MUSIC UP as Furious stands and starts out. The others stand and follow

him... as our heroes form up for their first HEROIC GROUP SHOT.

EXT. CITY STREET - NIGHT

MUSIC CONTINUES as A LITTLE OLD LADY crosses the street, when suddenly

she looks up and sees a pair of headlights coming on fast. An

immaculately maintained seventies limo is heading straight for her.

INSIDE THE LIMO - CONTINUOUS

Disco Boys sit in the front. Casanova, Anabel, and Tony P sit in the

back, dressed for a night on the town...

There is a thud as the limo hits the old lady, and everyone in the car

explodes into laughter.

TONY P:

Little old lady. That's a hundred points!

INSIDE/OUTSIDE THE LIMO - A FEW MINUTES LATER

as the limo drives past a billboard with an ad for "MILK" with a milk

mustached Captain Amazing looking at the camera...

TONY P:

He knows your every move.

Tony P imitates a massive electrical convulsion, and the villains crack

up.

But as they pass the billboard, a pair of headlights illuminate in its

shadows, and the Shoveler's Ford Esquire pulls out and follows.

INSIDE THE ESQUIRE - CONTINUOUS

The Shoveler is driving. Mister Furious sits in the front seat next to

him, and our other heroes are packed into the back.

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