Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie Page #4

your co-pilot, Harvey the Rabbit...

Can I... get a pair of those little wings?

I've been a good junior pilot. Hello?

No pilot.

He must be having

a rum and coke somewhere.

No windows.

Cal, you'll really

be flying blind.

Please be seated, Dr. Meacham.

And welcome aboard.

You are being kidnapped

by The Light FM.

Ugh, what are you doing?

You're sitting on me!

A seat belt is not

required, doctor.

You commie.

Please clear the stairs.

That means you, Wormy.

- Thank you.

So long, Joe.

I'll be dropping you a card.

Cal, get off right away! This whole thing

smells to high heaven!

Cal, I'm beggin' you.

Don't go!

Cal! Cal!

I'm stuck!

Your in-flight movie is:

Fearless.

There goes a stupid,

stupid man.

I'm gonna curl up in his

sock drawer, and sleep for days.

There's probably some kid with a big forehead,

kicking the back of the seat right now.

Oh, Tammy, lower!

Yeah, that's right!

Shh, shh. We're in a whole lot of trouble.

Get your parachute on. Should I wake him?

Ah, football practice... uh...

Good morning,

Dr. Meacham.

Good morning, boys!

Hope you slept well.

'Cause it's time to die.

They're forcing him to visit

Branson, Missouri.

Cal, honey, put your shoes on.

We're at grandma's.

Hello! Where can I

empty my hat?

He's flown into

a Flemish painting

I claim this land for Spain!

So, the aliens live

in Hooterville?

Ah, there are too Woodies

in this scene.

- Where am I?

- Georgia.

I kind of expected

Neptune or Mars.

Or Neptune...

Exeter asked me to greet you.

I'm Dr. Ruth Adams.

Ruth Adams! But this is wonderful.

I never expected

This.

Ruth, I'm Cal Meacham.

Hello, is it anybody home?

Dr. Meacham,

of course.

Four or five years ago, conference on...

thermal problems

in nuclear reactors.

- Boston, wasn't it?

- Vermont!

We were lecturing to a symposium

of graduate students.

Summer, three years ago.

After classes,

we'd go swimming in a

little river near the school.

You were an awful sissy

about that icy water.

Shrinky Dink,

remember?

Now, Ruth, don't tell me

you've forgotten.

Come on, dummy!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Dr. Meacham, all I can say

is I'm deeply flattered...

and maybe a little envious of

the girl you've mistaken me for.

And now I think Exeter

is waiting to greet you.

She wants me.

Alright, see if this jogs

your memory.

Bad dog.

We did it, and

you know it.

Mike, can I have a car

like that?

You can't drive.

I can drive. I'm an excellent driver.

I'm not wearing my underwear.

Oh, there's gonna be a

Mary Kay convention going on too,

so it's gonna be kind of weird.

The elevators down to

Exeter's slave quarters.

Our laboratories.

That's not funny, Ruth.

I was a slave.

Our living room, social center,

library.

Mosh pits.

This is Exeter's office and study.

Not exactly what you

expected, Dr. Meacham, is it?

- Good morning, doctor.

- Good morning, doctors.

Reverend Moon.

Ms. Hathaway.

Just throw these coats on

Exeter's bed.

Heil Hitler!

- Guten morgen, Doktor.

- Guten morgen, Herr Doktor.

Engelberg, from Munich. The doctor's

out for his morning constitutional.

He's been here a week, but

his English and my German

Eeh, Charlie Rich!

He goes through

a lot of Brylcreem.

Don't mention his head.

Who's that one?

That's Brack, one of

Exeter's assistants.

But you'll find them all

very helpful.

What language

do they speak?

Anything you wish:

English, Hindustani, Congoese...

- Kokokupikekeke...

- Anything.

- Dr. Meacham. Good morning.

- Good morning.

Please come in,

both of you.

Glad you could join us here

at the Buddy Ebsen Society

- Sit down.

- Dr. Adams!

Oh, yes, Steve!

What's this

'and the rest' crap?

About that

nuclear decay factor, Ruth,

I'm afraid my equation

just doesn't seem to work.

I was hoping you could find time

to go over it with me later.

I still think the

basic principle is all right.

Maybe we can trust

Yes, well,

thank you, Dr. Adams.

Oh, there you are,

Dr. Adams.

I was just reminding

Dr. Meacham...

that I'd promised to produce some

of his colleagues in the flesh.

May I use you

as exhibit A?

I'm afraid Dr. Meacham

isn't too happy with me.

At the airport, he was

sure we were old friends.

Obviously, I was wrong.

The lady hardly remembers me.

- What is more important is

- Who we are, what we're doing here.

Why I have a picture

of a burger on the wall.

Dr. Meacham...

We're not hiring.

I represent a group of scientists who

work with but one purpose:

To put an end to war.

Naturally, such a goal can't be attained

without experts of superior ability:

- Men of vision...

- Jesus, what a head...

...gathered here, exchanging

information daily...

Oh, that smell?

Oh, wow.

We hope to achieve

exciting new techniques,

Leap years ahead of the others.

- I don't think I need tell you how effective our voices...

- Ah, terrible...

...will be when the world learns

of our achievements.

- Well, there you have it.

- I'll let her open her.

- Nothing new, perhaps, but then, what is?

- Your head?

However, let me assure you, doctor,

that we are dedicated men and women,

and as such,

we can accomplish wonders.

- Well...

- Into the hot tub?

What do you

think of us?

This all sounds great,

Mr. Exeter...

- ...but why me?

- We like your skull.

- Dr. Meacham...

- How.

...we happen to know

that you're on the threshold...

of discovering limitless amounts

of free nuclear energy,

More specifically, the

conversion of lead into uranium.

Dr. Adams here has been working

along the same lines as you have,

perhaps just

a step behind you,

although I might add

that both of you are

way ahead of anyone

else in your field.

Be careful. Exeter will

flatter you to death.

The truth is never flattering,

Dr. Adams.

You fine foxy lady.

Now suppose you relax

and think it over.

Suppose when I do, I find

I can't go along with you?

Could we still

go out sometime?

Naturally, we'll expect you to be

discreet about what you've seen here.

Otherwise, you're free to leave,

Dr. Meacham. As free as air.

Hey, Kreskin,

quit hoggin' the bottle!

Hey, Mao, try this!

It'll knock your socks off!

There you go,

Mr. B.

So that's squirrel pudding,

hmm.

Hey, the professor's crying!

She's drunk again!

Whatever.

What do you think

of Mr. Mozart, Exeter?

I'm afraid I don't

know the chap.

I'm not an alien!

My mind must have been wandering.

Your composer, of course.

Our composer?

He belongs to the world.

Yes, indeed.

I'm not an alien.

The dinner, Exeter, was even

more perfect than you promised.

Now if you'll excuse me, I could

do with some fresh air myself.

He's gonna get high.

Would you care to join me,

Dr. Adams?

Uh. No?

You, Dr. Carlson?

It's your turn to

walk the Cal.

Why don't you?

Show him the grounds.

I dare you!

We won't start cracking the whip

on Meacham until tomorrow.

Then I ram my ovipositor down your throat

and lay my eggs in your chest.

But I'm not an alien!

Don't leave me with the Germans!

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