National Lampoon Presents: Surf Party Page #5

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sweet talk her a little.

Give her a little

loving, nurturing.

You baby her a little.

You check her um, you

check her fluids, make sure

there's enough lubrication.

You kick the tires, make

sure your rubber's good.

And if you feel

confident, and ready,

you slide in the driver's seat.

You tickle the starter

and you turn her over.

Then you slip it into drive

and you gently start

to push her forward.

And then you're on your way.

But that's when you have

to, you have to listen to her,

really start to pay attention.

And as she starts to warm up,

her temperature starts to rise,

that's when, you know, you

can pump her a little harder,

you know?

And she'll let ya

know when she's ready.

She'll start to hum.

When she starts to hum you go

pedal to the medal, as hard as

you can for as long as you can.

That's, that's when it's good.

That's when it gets, you know,

that's like you're a machine on

an open back road somewhere in

America with nothing but like a

forest or corn field on either

side of you with stars in the

sky, and no traffic lights.

There's no coppers, no worries.

That's just, that's

as good as it gets.

That's-

that's being a man;

that's heaven on earth;

that's what that is.

What does all that have

to do with getting women?

You don't have to worry about

it for a long time, uh, Sparky.

Alright, where's the turn?

It's coming, I think.

It's either coming

or we passed it.

What?

Turn here.

Turn here!

Okay, okay!

Take the

back streets, okay?

Okay. Valley View,

Valley Lane, Valley Drive.

Great! They're all

the same stupid name!

Man, we're gonna miss it.

Miss what?

The fight!

Lardo, you are so busted;

you wanna see the fight.

Yeah, I kinda do.

Okay, where are we?

Lost.

Totally and completely lost.

I'm leally leally lost.

Oh ly Lod; I Ian lalk in leis!

Not funny, Lardo.

What have you done to her?

Alright, what just happened?

Well, I think we're out of gas.

You just filled it up.

I only put one dollar in it.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Doomed.

We're all doomed.

Whoa.

Whoa, what?

You hear that?

I don't hear sh*t.

That's just it.

Ya can't hear the ocean.

That's weird.

Ya can't hear it;

ya can't smell it.

Yeah.

Whoa! Sh*t!

What's he doin'?

Shh! I can't hear him!

Okay, boys!

You can come on out!

Sparky! Psst!

You got something to say?

Why'd you do it?

Do you even surf?

Then why steal a surfboard?

It was stupid.

Just forget it.

It's too late for that,

Brian. Just tell him.

My girlfriend...

Iris. She broke up with

me, for some, uh, surfer.

So you were just pissed

at some random surfer?

And so you decided

to steal my board?

What's the f***in

logic in that, huh?

You got your board back!

This is over.

That's not for you to say.

Now the way I see it is

this you have two options.

One, you can call the cops,

or two, you can dole out

a whipping for yourself.

What's it gonna be?

I'll take option number two.

Dad, these guys are

gonna f***in kill me!

Brian, don't embarrass

yourself any further.

You get three swings.

That's all. Fair?

Fair.

I sot him!

That's one.

F***, Sparky!

Piece of cake.

C'mon, man; he's drunk. He

doesn't know what he's doin'!

I said three swings. That

counts. You got two left.

Wait a minute.

He said one of you guys gets

three swings.

He already took one.

So he's gotta take

the other two.

I mean that's the rule, right?

Three swings; one guy.

That's what he said.

Fine.

You hear that Sparky, huh?

Two swings.

Two swings.

Just get me close.

I can't miss him.

Get in there.

Hi, fairy-boy.

F***!

That's two.

That should count

as two and three!

Keep quiet. Take your licks.

He hasn't even hit you.

Get up, Sparky; get up.

Ya gotta get up! C'mon!

You got one more! One mo-

he's laughing at us, man!

One more; one more, Sparky!

Come on! Come on!

Don't laugh at me!

Dude.

You laughing at?

This is your last chance.

Then I'm taking my boy

inside and that's it.

Come on, Sparky.

Get up, man.

Get up; ya gotta get UP-

Get up, Sparky!

Get up! Come on!

Alright!

Oh sh*t!

Sparky, man. Sparky,

you did it, man! You did it!

You nailed him, man.

You got him. You got him.

Sparky? Holy sh*t;

he's asleep! He's asleep!

Alright, then.

You fellas satisfied?

Now I want ya to make up.

Shake hands.

I, um, I'm sorry, man.

It's cool.

No real harm done.

You Okay?

C'mon, Bri.

Let's get ya inside,

get an icepack on that jaw.

Excuse me.

I never got your name.

Sam.

Sam Kramer.

I just wanna say, it was,

uh, real nice meeting you.

I just, I wanted

to say that to ya.

I was gone a lot when

he was growing up.

Didn't do a very good

job there, I'm afraid.

Most of the time, you do the

best you can do, and hope the

rest just falls in line

and sometimes it does.

Don't forget Sparky, there.

Wiener man! What'd you do -

go down to Ventura and,

uh get more wieners?

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Hey bro.

Kenny, dude. I ran outta gas

about a mile down the road,

and yeah I was just wondering,

can I borrow a gas can?

Oh. Man. Well,

uh this isn't Ventura.

You know, we sell gas cans;

we don't just lend 'em out.

I'd be happy to sell ya one and

I'll sell ya some gas, too.

Oh, yeah.

How much are they?

Three dollars.

Three dollars?

Yep.

Yeah, I got three bucks.

I got three bucks

somewhere here.

One. I got one.

Hold on.

Two, two twenty -

ut- three bucks.

And fifteen cents.

Yeah!

So then I guess you

have enough to get, uh,

fifteen cents worth

of gas, wiener man.

Hey, bro, look. can you just,

can, give me a break, man.

Let me borrow the gas can; I'll

bring it right back, dude.

Look, man, we sell em, okay?

We don't rent 'em.

Dude, where are your friends?

Lost in the valley of

the shadow of death.

This whole day has been like

one endless bummer, dude.

Hey bros.

How's it goin'?

Do you like have a gas can I

can borrow? My car ran outta

gas, and well, this dude

won't let me borrow a can.

Ah, you ran outta gas, huh?

Yeah. It's just

like a mile up that way.

We got some beers leftover

if ya help us out.

Yeah, sure, man. Sure.

Bitchin' can, dude.

Thanks.

Hop in!

Man, I just wanted to

f***in kick that guy's ass.

You know, just,

just kick his ass.

One punch.

Just one f***in punch.

You got one punch.

Well, yeah, but, I mean I

should have f***ing pounded him.

I should kicked his f***in

teeth in, man. You know what?

I'm gonna go back in there.

You wanna come?

He said three swings, Sparky.

Who gives a sh*t what

that old f***er said.

I'll kick his ass, too.

F***, Sparky.

I'm sick of it, man.

Ya talk all this bullshit;

I'm gonna do this and I'm gonna

do that and you just get

drunk and you don't do nuthin'.

You don't do sh*t.

So shut up, alright?

You okay?

I just wanna go home.

Thanks, bros.

Hopefully it'll fill up and

we'll be able to get outta here.

Hey wait.

What are your names?

Esmeralda.

Guinevere.

Esmeralda and Guinevere, huh?

Hey, where you from?

Africa.

South Africa.

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