National Lampoon Presents Dorm Daze Page #6

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Sh*t!

Where the hell is my script?!

Sh*t!

Gerri, sorry to bug you, but you were

Garber's T.A. Iast semester, right?

Can I have her home number?

I need to call her.

Sure.

- Don't tell her where you got it from.

- Thanks.

You have no idea how much

of a huge jam this will get me out of.

- Help!

- What?

I'm from France. Help!

Man! There sure are a lot

of girls from France around here.

Hey, maybe you'd like my sausage.

Look, here you go. You can keep it.

I don't even want it anymore.

But I'm gonna tell you this--

I am not gonna pay you to eat it.

I don't care what they do in France.

- Need help!

- Help with what? Opening it?

There you are!

Come here!

She was just about

to eat my sausage!

Too bad! I'm the one

who paid for her! Come here!

Where you going?

Man! What's the deal with everyone

paying the French to eat their food?

- There you are.

- Hey, Foosball.

Why didn't you tell me sooner

that you were gay?

Well, I had to--what?!

I'm really flattered

that you'd come out for me, but...

you're just not my type.

I'm not gay!

No, don't go back in

just because I'm rejecting you.

Someday, you're gonna find a guy

who really likes you.

It just...

it's not gonna be me.

I'm sorry. I'm glad

we got this out in the open.

Well, what the hell.

What don't you like about me?

Newmar, listen.

You're a great guy, okay?

I just...I don't like you like that.

But I think I may know

someone for you.

Yeah.

I don't see Adrienne.

I couldn't find her. I'm actually

calling my professor right now.

She'll explain what the scene is about.

- You've reached Proffessor Garber...

- Damn. It's her voicemail.

I smell perfume.

"My love...

"You have no idea how much

I desire to be with you.

"l think about you day and night

and dream of you.

"l need to share my life,

love, and soul with you.

"l will not be happy

until we can be together.

With love, Adrienne."

What?!

No! I--wow.

I've never seen this before.

Look, Gerri wrote my acting

teacher's number on the back.

See? Here's the number.

This is Gerri's letter.

Why would Adrienne

write Gerri a love letter?

Maybe they're lesbians.

Pretty lame.

F*** off, Tony!

Come on.

I can explain, baby!

I know you're

around here somewhere!

Damn!

Buddy, seen a pretty girl

around here with a funny accent?

Yeah. I've been looking for her

'cause she has my money.

Your money?

That ain't your money.

F*** off.

Who the hell are you?

Well?

Well, what?

What'd you think of the letter?

How'd you know about Newmar's letter?

Newmar wrote me a love letter.

- He's come out of the closet.

- Newmar's gay?

It's so cute. I had to turn him

down, though. Obviously.

Yeah. Obviously.

I'm so happy to finally have someone

to go clubbing with in this dorm.

Being surrounded by all you breeders

was really getting me down--no offense.

You're gay?

Are you sure?

- You didn't know I was gay?

- Yeah, of course I did. It's just...

Newmar's gay?

I almost wish

I were attracted to him.

He wrote the sweetest poem.

Here. Check it out.

What did you do?!

I'm not sure how this guy's connected,

but he knows about the money.

- I know this guy. I don't--

- Trust me. He knows something.

"Our love could be

a delightful bloom.

"From the beginning,

I already knew.

Like a rose in the sun,

so are you."

I wish somebody would write

a poem like that for me.

- I read your poem.

- You did?

- But I thought I gave it to Foosball.

- He let me read it.

I loved it.

Really?

It all makes sense now.

You only made out with me

'cause you were confused--

'cause you're gay.

No, it's okay. We can

hang out now. We can shop!

We can hang out 'cause...

I'm gay.

I've always wanted a gay friend.

Now that I know

that you're gay...

you suddenly seem

more attractive.

Great.

Your whole personality

makes sense now.

Apparently,

I'm still ugly, though.

I'm sorry

Foosball turned you down.

Maybe if you took off

these thick glasses.

You have really nice eyes,

Newmar.

Thanks.

I just wish they worked better.

I really loved your poem.

So, you do have my bag?

This is not your bag!

I gave your bag back!

You lying slut!

You never gave it back!

- Give it back, you psycho!

- What?!

My glasses!

Hello?

This f***in'--

Claire. This is perfect.

I just got ahold of my professor--

Tell Adrienne

you haven't seen me.

She went that way.

Is she gone?

- Come on, let's call the professor--

- I don't have time now.

Adrienne's gone insane.

She's trying to attack me!

I have proof at my fingertips

that I'm not lying.

She's coming! Hold on to my bag

until I get back, then I'll listen to you.

I see you!

- She went that way.

- I know!

Are you okay?

Can you hear me?

You know what?

Let me get you some help.

No, I just need to lay down.

Take me into the room.

Yeah, okay.

You're heavy.

Hello?!

What happened to you?

Why are you wet?

I don't know, but...

Maybe I should get

out of these wet clothes.

Wait. No, no, no...

That would end up bad for me.

I'll go get you a towel.

What are you doing?

I was just admiring your bag.

I think I should hold on to this.

- What are you doing?

- I'm just admiring the bag!

What the hell?!

Give me the bag!

Crazy mother--

Enough already, all right?

Who the hell are you,

and what the hell's going on?

We're wasting time!

Somebody will find it!

That's my girlfriend's bag.

Her grandmother gave it to her.

It's not. Why would your girlfriend

have a stack of cash?

- Whose is it?

- It's mine.

And I'll give you half

if you help me get out of this dorm!

Right.

- How much is half?

- $500.

Let's go.

I don't know anything about a bag.

I don't know what you're talking about.

I assume you're

Dominique's pimp or whatever,

and I don't know

what she told you,

but we didn't even have sex with her,

so we shouldn't have to pay.

You wanna work him over?

He doesn't know anything.

Just put him back downstairs.

Is that you?

Whatever you say.

I'm still chucking him outside

just to be safe.

I really don't think the bag

would've fallen all the way down here.

Well, just look for it!

You idiot!

Now we'll never know where it is!

Why are you yelling at me?

You're the one who came to me

with the money and--

Well, I never!

- Who the hell was that?

- Some meatball who got fresh.

So what took you so long?

Look, I almost got the bag, okay?

I'll be back in a second!

- Maybe I should go with you.

- No. No, I should go alone.

Why's that?

Cliffy...

No, don't take that tone with me.

You'll make me think

you don't trust me.

You don't think

I'd double-cross you, do you?

I was sorta thinking that.

No, I would never

do that to you.

But now that we're in the clear,

'cause I'm--I mean we're--

that close to the bag,

I don't know...I was kind of

thinking that after we got away,

maybe we could...

I thought maybe

we could see each other again.

I was sort of...

sort of thinking the same thing.

You were? Good.

You stay here.

Don't worry.

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