Neighbors Page #5

to the neighborhood!

There's a clear

focus going on here.

I heard they burned

down their last house.

And they were

reprimanded for that.

We have a very strict three-strike

policy at this school.

So, they have one strike. If they

get two more, then they're out.

A strike?

Well, listen,

the way I do my job is,

you know, I'm always thinking

about the headlines, right?

So, "Duke Lacrosse Team Rapes

Stripper." Bad headline.

"Fraternity Keeps Couple Awake"?

That's not really even a headline.

I don't even think it would

make the local police blotter.

Get ready to read

the headline of the century.

Extra, extra!

"Baby Swallows Condom!"

- That's disgusting!

- Exactly!

- It's the frat's condom!

- That's the frat's condom!

I have a headline for this.

"Fraternity

Practices Safe Sex."

That's a good headline. I could

get a raise off that headline.

I got a headline for you.

"Mean Dean Doesn't Realize That

Frat ls Bad For Everyone."

It's really not.

It's very poorly worded. I don't think

that would ever make it to print.

I don't know where

you went to school.

I went here, okay?

That's why I'm dumb!

You know what? I just thought

of another headline.

"Negligent Parents

Allow Baby to Swallow Condom."

- What'd you say?

- It's not a good headline.

Here's a headline. How

about, "Go F*** Yourself"?

That's what you get.

- This is our home!

- It's our home!

This is our little cub on our

lawn with a condom in her mouth.

Oh, my God.

I'm a mama bear.

- Yes, you are.

- You know what?

I'm gonna act all

docile and then...

(BOTH ROARING)

My claws are out!

I'm gonna f***ing get them!

- (HISSING)

- F*** these f***ing guys!

They don't know who

they are f***ing with.

They think I'm just a regular dad

and then you know what happens?

Boom! Boom!

Teddy's dead!

Pete's dead! Scoonie's dead!

- F*** you!

- No, no.

- I'll f***ing kill them!

- No, no.

- Boom!

- No.

- I'm buying a f***ing gun!

- No, you're not!

I'm not buying a gun!

You're right, it's a bad idea.

Bad call.

What about one of those

small prostitute guns?

No. You're not buying a gun.

(EXHALES) F***!

What can we do?

That f***ing Dean.

What woman is named "Dean"?

She's not named "Dean."

That's her job.

- What?

- That's what "dean" is here.

- No.

- Yeah.

- Really?

- What did you think?

- I thought that was her name.

- No.

Oh, no.

- What do they call it in Australia?

- "Chancellor."

No, she's the chancellor.

Oh, my God.

I was so rude to her.

- I don't know what to do.

- What do we know?

What didn't we have in college?

I didn't have any money.

- I had no money either.

- We had no money.

They're broke. They

don't have any money.

We f*** with their house.

They can't afford to fix it.

- Yes.

- They have to move.

- Yeah, f*** them!

- F*** them!

- We're gonna f***ing f*** them!

- F*** them!

- We are going to f*** them!

- F*** them!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(ALL GROANING)

- So the water came out of here?

- Yep.

This is gonna ruin us.

I mean, the foundation is flooded.

We can't pay for this sh*t.

They're gonna condemn the house.

Okay, well, on that note,

maybe we should clean up and not

stand here with our

d*cks in our hands.

"D*cks in our hands."

D*cks in our hands.

D*cks in our hands.

D*cks in our hands.

D*cks in our hands.

Teddy, how much time we got?

Just a couple minutes, and

then we pour in the latex.

We've got Delta Psi d*ldos

we can merchandise.

Oh, God, I can't keep

my boner much longer.

We're supposed to have boners?

Yeah. Nobody wants a limp dildo.

You don't know that. People

could want it for after.

Like, for cuddling,

and it's like a love...

Okay, you're right.

It's just a limp dick.

Hey, you boys have to go digital.

Look at that

3-D printer go.

Look at it go!

That's awesome.

ELECTRONIC VOICE:

Penis completed.

Now I can go to class

while my dick prints.

Where did you get that?

Got it at my architecture lab.

Pretty cool, right?

- Wow.

- Man, you should go to class sometime.

We have excellent facilities

that, like, no one uses.

All right, let's pull these bad

boys off and see what we've got.

- We're good?

- Yeah.

GARF:
Let's do it.

- This is like Christmas.

- Oh!

- Wow.

- Whoa.

Hey, you know, I think the

clay is stuck to my pubes.

Why do you have pubes?

Wait. You guys shaved?

Dude, I texted you.

I said, "Shave."

I thought we were taking pictures.

I cleaned up a little, but...

Not your face.

Oh, God.

Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t.

- Don't worry about it.

- I'm gonna enjoy this.

It's not gonna come off.

I'm just gonna leave it on.

I'm gonna drill a hole, I'm gonna pee.

I can get bigger pants.

Look at me.

You trust me, right?

I'm gonna pull this thing off.

Come on, just relax.

I got you.

Stay the f*** away from me!

Calm down. Count of three.

- Teddy...

- One.

Look at my eyes.

- Two!

- (SHRIEKS)

That was so much

worse than I thought.

SCOONIE:

Ladies, I need a single-file line.

There will be no

cutting in this line,

and if you're in the back, it is

approximately a 20-minute wait.

- Hey.

- Hi.

- Um... I'll take a Teddy.

- Cool. How about a Pete?

Oh, no.

I was just kidding, anyway.

So weird.

Holy sh*t, guys.

I think we made $10,000.

Hey, you guys, if my

calculations are correct,

not only can we

fix the water damage,

but we can get the biggest

hot tub in the world!

- (CHEERING)

- And outdoor speakers!

- Yes!

- Yeah!

Delta Psi!

ALL:
(CHANTING) Delta Psi.

Delta Psi!

Delta Psi! Delta Psi!

Dildo Psi!

Dildo Psi! Dildo Psi!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

This is f***ing ridiculous.

This is ridiculous.

Their d*cks bought a hot tub?

My dick couldn't buy a hot tub.

Hey.

Your dick could buy more than a

hot tub. Your dick bought me.

Thank you very much.

I'm not a sizeist.

That's a little patronizing.

(MOUTHING)

I don't get it. Who would

even buy one of those d*ldos?

Bros before hos.

Why? Because your bros

are always there for you.

They have got your back after

your ho rips your heart out.

"Bros before hos."

And you were nothing

but great to your ho.

And you told her that she

was the only ho for you,

and that she was better than all

the other hos in the world.

Bros before hos.

Fraternities. They live and die

on the concept of brotherhood.

I know.

The only way to break it

apart is to get in there,

infiltrate a party, and get

them to put hos before bros.

Hos don't go before bros. It

just doesn't work like that.

A ho has never gone before a bro.

Maybe I have been a ho

who's taken down some bros.

- Ho, no, you haven't.

- I'm just saying.

You have? That is messed up.

I'm saying, that's the only way.

We've got to get in there,

we gotta infiltrate.

Get those little motherfuckers,

turn them against each other.

- Okay.

- I'm serious.

Just ease up.

Sorry.

She's on the fast road to her

first word being "c*nt."

- It's not cool here.

- Sorry.

We're gonna make them

put hos before bros.

Step one, lock down a babysitter.

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