Neighbors Page #7

- Well, you're gonna have to.

I don't f***ing want to!

What do you mean "milk you"?

You don't have a choice!

Be a man and milk me.

Milk yourself!

Try milking yourself!

I can't...

Ow! (SOBBING)

Oh! I'm sorry. Okay.

Get on your hands and knees.

We need a pail or something.

- What?

- You gotta get on your hands and knees.

- I'm not a cow!

- Well, how else do you do it?

Just, normal.

There's no normal way

to milk a human woman.

- Okay, okay!

- Come on!

Ow!

I can't do it.

Don't yell, just try to...

- Come on! Ow!

- I'm sorry.

It's not working.

- (GROANING)

- (GRUNTING)

- (SCREAMS)

- Oh, f***!

- Oh, f***.

- Oh, God.

- Yeah!

- (GRUNTS IN RELIEF)

Boo-ya!

Okay.

Whoo!

We are not high-fiving.

Oh, God.

It tastes funny.

They say it tastes good to the

baby. It tastes funny to me.

- Just relax. Just settle down.

- Okay.

I got, like,

four pails out of you.

We should go mom tipping later.

- (LAUGHING)

- Hey, too soon.

- Okay, too soon.

- Way too soon.

Yeah, I agree. I'm just trying

to lighten the moo-ood.

Moo-ood.

- Stop it.

- I know.

I'm gonna move back to

Australia if you don't stop.

Now I can't stop thinking of them.

- Okay.

- Mac...

That was udder-ly traumatic.

Please stop.

How much of you is

traumatized? 2%? 1%?

That was a cheesy one.

- That was good.

- You like that?

You did it. See? (LAUGHS)

Yeah?

But you know what?

You hear that?

It's victory.

We can finally go

back to our lives.

It's over.

What the heck are you guys

doing here? Where's Pete?

I don't know. At some

job fair or some sh*t.

What the heck's more

important than this?

Hey, I just wanna

let you guys know

that I ate a whole pot brownie

before coming in here

- and I am really starting to feel it right now.

- Yeah.

Why would you do that?

Guys, don't talk.

Please let me handle this.

Okay.

- (CLEARS THROAT)

- (WHISTLES)

"Fraternity Severely Injures

Economics Professor."

What is this?

It's a headline.

Is it a good one, or a bad one?

It's a bad one.

Yeah, it's a really bad one.

It's a bad one.

I promise you, as

the President of Delta Psi,

that we will find

a way to right this wrong.

(LAUGHING)

Very sorry about this.

You know what? That's it.

That's two strikes.

You're on probation

until the end of the year.

Okay? You so much

as throw a party,

generate a noise complaint, or

end up on any sort of headline,

and you are out.

Please don't put us on probation.

What about the

end-of-the-year bash, Teddy?

I mean, we have to get on the

wall, plus we bought the kegs.

What, is she gonna reimburse

us for those kegs?

- Are you gonna reimburse us for those kegs?

- No.

Scoonie. Not now.

Get out!

I'm so sorry.

Mmm-hmm.

I just want to let you know, I ate a

pot brownie before coming in here.

I'm the opposite of the

person you say that to.

That could have been

two strikes, right there.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Oh, there he is.

Holy sh*t.

I'm just kidding. Sort of.

What's up, man?

Thanks for missing

our meeting, Mr. VP.

I had this job interview, so...

No, no, clearly you had

more important things to do.

Yeah.

So, how'd the meeting go?

Oh, it went great.

It went great.

We're on probation.

We can't party.

- Sh*t. That's a bummer.

- Mmm-hmm.

So, are we cool with what

happened last night?

Bros before hos. Right?

- Yeah.

- Right?

Yeah, man.

Junk before trunk.

All right, balls before dolls.

Compadres before

I sleep with tu madres.

Brad Pitt before grab clit.

Deez nuts before skinny sluts.

Masturbate before

I ask her to date.

Beef stew before

watching The View.

Male erection

before One Direction.

Mario and Luigi

before Thelma & Louise-ee.

Bert and Ernie

before squirtin' spermy.

Man purses before regular purses.

- Makes sense.

- Yeah.

- Okay.

- It does.

Sports before genital warts...

No, f***in'. That's bad.

- That was a little weird.

- I'm fading a little bit.

John Madden before...

- Jasmine from Aladdin!

- Jasmine from Aladdin!

Yes!

We just said it at the same time!

All right, man,

I should probably...

But, I'll see you

back at the house, yeah?

See you, brother.

- All right. Good talk, man.

- Later.

Hey! You Delta Psi?

Yeah. Are you a Delta?

No, my roommate was. I used to

wear his ties to get girls.

You interested in

working for AT&T?

What do you guys do?

We're a giant

telecommunications corporation.

- Cell phones.

- Oh.

What's your GPA?

Like, low twos.

I'm just kidding. High ones.

We're actually

looking for candidates

that are a little more

academically inclined.

So, you have a nice day.

What does that mean?

It means you're too dumb.

Good luck, bro.

Okay.

PETE:
I hope we can "build"

a great future together.

Architecture joke.

I know!

I like to have fun with it.

Lame.

- Big Mac!

- Yo!

- There he is.

- Hey!

- Hey.

- Hello.

You know, I was just thinking,

it would be great

to have you and Kelly

and your little princess

over for a play date.

- We'll put it on the books.

- Okay, cool. Great.

Sometime soon. I'll just...

I'll get back to you.

- Yeah.

- Great.

"And the dog goes,

'Woof, woof, woof, woof!

"'Woof, woof, woof!"'

- Oh, hi, baby.

- MAC:
How's it going?

Oh, good. Yeah, I'm good, I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm a bit bored,

but I'm fine. I'm fine.

Yeah, I'm bored, too.

My boss just invited us

for a play date,

so we can both

just kill each other.

(STELLA CRYING ON MONITOR)

I kind of miss the rush

of messing with the frat.

I have to go. She's awake.

Okay, call me after.

Call me soon.

TEDDY:
Hey, neighbor.

Ooh!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Okay. Are you ready?

Me and Kelly, we have found a way

to give the frat

their last strike.

- Get them out of here forever!

- Out!

Why are we doing this? Didn't

we already win? Remember?

"Bros before hos,"

that whole thing? It's over!

They're still f***ing there!

There's beer cans on the lawn.

They're barbecuing.

- So?

- "So?"

It smells delicious in here.

Try living next to it.

Try living next to it!

Hey, you guys don't

want to go back to your

boring ass lives as parents.

That's what it is.

I'm surprised and

shocked, honestly,

that it is so hard

to convince you,

of all people,

that this is a good idea.

What?

One of those childs is

having sex with your wife.

It's fine. We're divorced.

- Jimmy! Wake up!

- Wake up, man.

His dick is this big!

"Hey, homie. I'm gonna f***

your wife with my giant dick."

"Oh, my God,

this is amazing."

"Oh, my God, homie.

It feels so good."

- "Oh, homie."

- "Wow. Oh, my God."

- "It feels so good, homie."

- "What are you doing later?"

"Oh, homie, let's do it.

Oh, God, homie."

"That's amazing."

Okay, enough! Stop imitating!

I get it! He's got a huge dick!

And her vagina, "Bye!"

It's ruined!

MAC:
Destroyed. Gone!

It's like when you lend

a fat friend your shirt,

and it comes back, and it's

all stretchy and flappy!

Sagging all over the place!

It'll be like this.

- I'm in!

- MAC:
Yes!

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