Neighbors Page #8

Nice! Nice! Great!

Awesome, awesome!

- What's the plan?

- Okay, okay.

We've been thinking.

What gets frats

kicked out of schools

more than anything?

Rape!

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry.

- Hazing scandals.

- Hazing scandals!

- Yes!

- Hazing scandals!

- Hazing scandals!

- Yes!

You should've said it

before you let me answer.

We need all that equipment

you bought to spy on Paula.

I didn't...

(LAUGHS) What?

Just stop.

MAC:
Look, you just take

these spy glasses.

They look totally

like normal glasses.

You wear them into the frat house.

Teddy's gonna start

pushing you around

and f***ing with you,

like he always does.

Like I've seen him

do a million times.

At that moment,

you just push back.

Okay? Just push back.

The rest will take care of itself.

He'll haze

the f***ing sh*t out of you.

It'll all get

caught on this camera.

Delta Psi is gone,

you're a free man.

Those guys are my brothers.

KELLY:
Your brothers?

Do you think your brothers would

really treat you like that?

Think about what

they've done to you.

They dehumanized you.

- They treated you like sh*t.

- They degraded you.

- JIMMY:
You're an animal.

- They called you Assjuice.

Assjuice.

- KELLY:
Assjuice.

- MAC:
Assjuice.

- JIMMY:
Subhuman.

- KELLY:
Assjuice.

ALL:
Assjuice. Assjuice.

Assjuice. Assjuice.

Assjuice! Assjuice!

Assjuice! Assjuice!

You better eat this

f***ing dog food, now!

(SCREAMING)

PETE:
What's the lesson?

BOYS:
Don't go to sleep!

This is your destiny, Assjuice.

Assjuice!

ALL:
(CHANTING)

Assjuice! Assjuice! Assjuice!

Assjuice! Assjuice!

I don't know.

JIMMY:
Everyone breaks, bro.

Biology.

That's from Zero Dark Thirty.

You guys don't get it.

I've gone through hell.

I'm not gonna throw

that all away now.

You know how many BJs

I've been promised?

Infinite BJs.

Infinite. Infinite.

Infinite BJs.

Delta Psi forever, ya bish.

We'll give you $1,000.

Okay. I'm in.

Nice!

- Nice! That was good!

- JIMMY:
That was good. That was really good.

That was good.

That was sexy, too.

He looks like J.J. Abrams.

MAC:
You look good. It looks

okay. I think it's okay.

You're never gonna forget this!

Move, elephants!

Move! Keep marching.

March!

March, march, march, elephants.

I'm not doing this anymore.

Get back in line, Assjuice!

Get back in line!

F*** you.

I am not an elephant!

What did you just say to me?

I am not an elephant!

He's doing it.

He's doing it.

I'm a human man!

I have dignity!

- We all have dignity!

- Yes, Assjuice, yes!

Our names are not Fuckhead,

or Jizzface, or Lea Michele.

- Lea Michele from Glee?

- That's actually funny.

Yeah, that's really funny.

It's Evan.

And Brendan.

And Juan.

So, f*** you.

Haze me. Say it.

- Say it! Come on!

- Say it, Teddy.

I will haze you until your

f***ing face falls off!

ALL:
Yeah!

- That's great. Okay, okay.

- We did it.

You're in so much f***ing trouble.

Come with me, pledge.

ASSJUICE:
Oh, f***.

F*** him up, Teddy.

I'm sorry. I'll do anything.

What's going on, Gary?

Are you okay, man?

You seem distraught.

"You seem distraught"?

I mean, you've always been, in my

opinion, like, our strongest pledge,

and now you're talking back.

- ASSJUICE:
I'm scared.

- You're scared?

I'm f***ing scared, man.

I'm tired all the time.

F***ing tired.

I miss my mom.

- Oh, no, Assjuice.

- Breaking? The guy was right.

Everybody breaks.

Okay. I'll tell you what.

You go up to my room.

Lock the door, draw

yourself a bath. Relax.

- (GASPS)

- "Draw yourself a bath"?

Catch up on some Z's,

okay? Take a nap.

Full season of Girls

up there in the DVR.

We never planned for nice.

Thanks for talking to me,

brother. All right?

You can always come to me with

this kind of stuff, all right?

You're doing a great job.

See you upstairs.

(BOTH IMITATING EXPLOSIONS)

I'm sorry, guys.

He's too good of a dude.

- No!

- Teddy!

- What's up?

- Yeah, one more thing.

No more thing!

These glasses,

there's a camera in them.

ALL:
No!

Oh, my God!

The asset's gone rogue.

Sh*t, he's still talking.

ASSJUICE:
Your neighbors

got me to wear them,

so they could film you hazing us,

so the fraternity

would get dissolved.

And this isn't the first time. No, no,

no, no. They flooded the basement.

They got Brother Pete to

hook up with Sister Brooke.

I'm so sorry, man.

- It's okay.

- They've been after us for weeks.

- No!

- He's telling him everything!

- Oh, my God!

- Jesus Christ, guys!

- Oh, my God!

- Oh, my God!

MAC:
Wait.

He's looking at us.

- What are you doing?

- He's looking at us.

You guys just crossed the

f***ing line. You're dead.

We're dead?

(YELLS)

- Oh, God! Oh, my God!

- That was scary.

- Come on, guys.

- Jesus.

How do you turn these off?

ASSJUICE:
It's on the side.

(SINGING)

We're gonna go to the shops

Then we're gonna

go to Mommy and Me

And see all those

b*tches that I hate

It's gonna be really boring

But we'll get out of the house!

KELLY:
I think the frat has broken into

the car and stolen all of the airbags.

- Airbags?

- Yeah.

That's so weird. Is

anything else missing?

- No!

- Okay.

Why would they just break in

and steal the airbags?

I don't know. We should

file a police report...

(GROANING)

What the f***?

Oh, sh*t!

Found the airbags!

There's three left!

F***!

- Two left!

- (JIMMY GROANING)

Jimmy, are you okay?

I'm fine!

It wasn't as bad as

it seemed. I'm fine.

Delta Psi has the upper hand!

We went too far now.

This is dangerous.

We did not go too far.

Now is when we get

them back even more.

Do you see what they f***ing

did to me? We don't stop now!

So, what it's gonna be next? They're

gonna break into the house?

No. No.

You need to grow up, okay?

Our family is in danger.

- I need to grow up?

- Yes, you need to grow up.

One of us has got to be the

adult in this relationship.

You should take responsibility.

That's not only offensive,

but it's f***ing stupid.

It's offensive that I'm saying

that you should be smart?

Yes, it's offensive that I have

to be the smart one all the time!

I'm allowed to be

just as irresponsible as you.

Well, that's how it works!

I'm the dumb guy,

and you're the woman

who's supposed to

stop the dumb guy

from doing dumb sh*t!

Haven't you ever seen

a f***ing Kevin James movie?

We can't both be Kevin

James. I'm Kevin James!

I have a little bit

of Kevin James in me.

Well, we can't both...

Clearly, you're the one who knows

better, so you should know better.

You know that I'm not like that,

and I've never been like that.

- Well, maybe you should be.

- That's never been me.

Just because I'm a

mom doesn't mean

that I'm gonna change who I am.

Well, just because I'm a father,

it doesn't mean I can stop doing

mushrooms with teenagers.

- Fine!

- Fine!

- Good.

- Good, then.

Okay, Kevin, I don't think

we're a good team anymore.

- The team is breaking up.

- Yep.

This worked before

we had Stella, but...

- Now it doesn't.

- It doesn't work anymore.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes