Neighbors Page #9

Yeah, because someone

refuses to grow up.

- Fine. Okay.

- Fine then.

You go find your

nagging wife that you

want to find, and I'll

go find a real man.

- Fine! Good to know.

- Fine.

I don't feel safe here,

just in case you didn't know.

Well, that's crazy.

I'm gonna take our child and go.

Oh, yeah? Well,

that's ludicrous,

because this is perhaps the

safest place on the planet,

just so you know!

- You're kidnapping our baby!

- A**hole!

Don't kidnap our baby!

I'm gonna put out

an AMBER f***ing Alert!

Enjoy the house by

yourself, you child!

This is safer

than the White House!

(GROANING)

Dude, we missed the airbag!

Kelly, there's one left!

It could be anywhere!

Ow!

Hey, man, do you think, maybe we're

going, like, way too far with this?

I mean, as a child

of divorce, I just...

I can't help it,

I sympathize with them.

Well, my parents love each other,

and I think it's hilarious.

(SCREAMS)

F***!

F***ers! F***!

Shalom, Mac.

Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

- How's it going?

- I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.

I love you so much.

I'm so sorry.

I love you, I'm sorry.

I was so stupid.

What a stupid

f***ing fight to have.

No, I was stupid.

I'm really, really sorry.

I'm so sorry.

It was so dumb.

- It was really dumb.

- I love you so much, okay?

- Do you still like me?

- I miss you. I love you.

- Do you still like me?

- Yes, I still like you.

- Okay, good. I love you.

- Okay.

She's so crazy.

She's still behind you.

- Hey.

- Hi.

Lame, isn't it, Pete?

Whoa.

You're really

villaining out in here.

What's lame?

What's going on?

Lame that we're on probation.

We're not gonna

end up on this thing.

That is kind of lame, but also

kind of meaningless, right?

What the f*** are

you talking about?

No, man. I just mean, like,

you're the President, you know?

If you want to be up there so

bad, just put your picture up.

No one's gonna stop you.

Because then I didn't earn it.

It doesn't mean anything

if you don't earn it.

Who cares?

"Who cares?"

Are you kidding me?

You're the VP, man.

We have wanted this

since we were freshmen.

Dude, that was

four years ago, okay?

We were f***ing virgins. All right?

We're about to be,

like, adults now.

In two weeks, none of this

is even gonna matter.

What the f*** are

you talking about?

I mean, you do realize that all this

stuff, it's all bullshit, right?

It's all made up.

Like, my brother's fraternity also

thinks they invented beer pong.

Well, your brother is a liar.

All right, let's put that down.

Dude, I don't want you

to take this the wrong way,

but I think you're freaking out

about what you're

gonna do next year.

What?

I'm trying to be

your friend, okay?

But I don't know why you try

to hide this stuff from me.

I'm a psychology minor,

you know that.

"I'm a psychology minor."

Dude, why do you think

you're so obsessed

with that old couple

next door, all right?

It's because they

remind you of the future.

I'm sorry, but it's true.

What the f*** are

you talking about?

- You're trying to be my friend?

- Yes!

Well, why don't you go

f*** my girlfriend again?

- What?

- Yeah.

I thought we were over

that. What are you...

How the f*** could I

be cool with that, man?

You had sex with my girlfriend!

What are you... We said all

those things, all right?

They rhymed!

What the hell was that?

We said some sh*t that rhymed?

Are you crazy, man?

How the f*** would

that make me feel better?

You don't think I was clearly

trying to mask how I really felt,

so I tried to bro out with you?

I don't know!

You're a good actor!

What the f*** am I

supposed to think?

Get the f*** out of here!

God! Dude, take your sh*t out

on someone else, all right?

- This isn't about me.

- Okay.

That's right, Pete. Walk away.

- B*tch.

- Oh, my God.

Ahhh!

Scoonie put his dick in your mouth

while you were sleeping, b*tch!

Uh-uh. I wasn't asleep.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(GROANS)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

One sec!

Get your knees in there.

There you go.

Hey, neighbor.

What the f*** do you want, man?

Hi, how's it going?

- What do you want? It's over.

- Yeah.

You won. There's

nothing else.

We're just getting started.

I know what you might be thinking.

"Teddy is gonna graduate this year

"and everything's

gonna be fine."

But it won't.

Because in a few weeks, when school

ends, so does our probation.

There's gonna be hundreds and thousands of

Teddys living next door to you for all time.

Because "Teddy" is just an idea.

- It's over.

- It's over, man.

Okay? It's done.

It's over? Okay, it's over,

it's over, it's over.

I just have one

thing I wanted to say.

This entire time, your daughter

is gonna be growing up

watching all these young,

shirtless men next door,

and we're gonna be

watching right back.

You're a bad boy!

Get off our porch.

- Delta Psi, b*tch.

- Now! I'm gonna call the police!

Get off!

We are not moving.

No. They are.

The problem is that

they're on probation.

- I know.

- They're being careful.

They're never gonna

do anything ridiculous,

because they're

watching themselves.

What would be great is if they

didn't think they were on probation.

Our probation's been lifted!

Our probation's been lifted!

Our probation's been lifted!

Yeah, this is amazing.

I want a baby.

I'm gonna have a baby.

- You don't want a baby.

- Oh, I do.

Would you be my surrogate, Kelly?

- No!

- Dude, don't ask that.

Don't be so f***ing offended. It's

not like we're gonna have sex.

- I would masturbate into her.

- MAC:
That's not how it works.

That's not what you would do.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES)

I don't want to talk about this.

Oh, sh*t. Teddy just tweeted.

What?

Tomorrow night, party's on.

Free party tonight.

There'll be food, blankets.

It's gonna be great.

(ON RADIO) We're back on

the air with Dirty Boy.

And Romie the Homie.

ROMIE:
Right, right.

So let's take a few calls.

DIRTY BOY:
All right,

caller, what's your name?

Hey, dude.

This is Nutsack calling

over from Delta Psi.

ROMIE:
What's up, Nutsack?

We're having a huge rager tonight.

You know what brings people to

a party more than anything?

Celebrities.

This is Mark Wahlberg. If you

don't come to this party,

I'm gonna give you a

world-class knuckle sandwich.

Oh, my gosh.

This is Anne Hathaway.

I want to ask you to the party this

weekend that I'm having with friends.

Hello. This is Julia Child.

- Ho!

- Hey, babe, you want to party?

The question is,

do you want to party?

Right there.

You, too, Deadwood.

There you go.

See you guys.

Hey, it's Ray Romano.

What are you doin'?

- No, this is Ray Romano and...

- No, this is Ray Romano...

Who is Ray Romano?

This is President Barack Obama,

telling you to

come to a great party

this evening at

2203 West Olmstead.

Peace, nigga.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Gentlemen,

we are fortunate members

of a prestigious lineage

of extraordinary gentlemen.

We are Delta Psi Beta.

ALL:
Delta Psi!

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