Nine Months Page #3

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you were incredible.

Not bad, eh?

That was the single

most satisfying

sexual experience

of my life.

Well, I, uh...

aim to please.

I know.

Now it's time

for dinner.

Dinner?

Aah!

No!

Time to get up.

Today's our first

doctor's appointment.

Today?

I told you about it

two weeks ago...

and then last week,

three days ago,

and twice, I think,

yesterday.

Sorry, honey.

I completely forgot.

Yeah.

Figures.

I swear I won't

forget next time.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Rebecca Taylor

to see Dr. Green.

Oh, Dr. Green's

been out with pneumonia.

You can see Dr. Kosevich

or reschedule.

Yes. I think we'll

just reschedule.

We can see

Dr. Kosevich.

Are you sure?

Why?

Is there a problem?

Oh, no. No.

It's just Dr. Kosevich

is new... from Russia.

He's a little nervous,

oh, but very sweet.

Well,

we're already here.

We may as well

see Dr. Kosevich.

O.K.

O.K.

Please, sit down.

One moment.

A little family business.

If it's not

one thing,

it's your mother.

Please, please,

sit down.

I'm very sorry.

Oh, hello.

So we hear

you're from Russia.

You have a problem

with it?

I am not a Communist.

I was only briefly

member of party.

It was only for medical reasons.

I was a scientist.

In Russia, I was chief

of obstruction.

Obstruction?

Abstraction?

Abstraction?

Obstetrics,

I think you mean.

That's it.

Obstetrics.

One moment.

Not obstruction,

is obstetrics.

Yes, I was the head

of obstetrics research

at Pasklovansky Hospital

in St. Petersburg.

What brings you

here, then?

I didn't work with people

in Russia.

More the technical side.

No. Animals.

Animals?

Only rats and monkeys.

Rats?

Change of scenery.

You've seen one rat ass,

you've seen them all.

I also want a patient

who won't bite me.

Last month,

I received my new license,

and now

I deliver human babies.

O.K., now,

I have a computer program here

that I have written myself

that will calculate

your due date very accurately.

O. K?

Fine. When was the first day

of your last menopause?

- Menopause?

- Menstruation.

Menstruation.

Period.

End of sentence.

March 11th.

March 11th.

March 11th.

O.K.

Here it comes.

The baby will be due

December 8th.

O.K.

Congratulations. The baby

was conceived March 17th.

Oh, that's clever.

Most people know that,

but some people

are too drunk to remember.

Oh, my God.

What is wrong?

I'm not the father.

What?

Oh, my God.

On March 17th,

I was away

at a child psychiatry conference

in Boston, remember?

What are you

saying?

I'll leave you two alone.

That's fine.

I'm going.

No! Wait!

Come back! Sit down!

Samuel, sit down!

Check your computer

again!

It is... the computer

is very accurate.

Check the goddamn

computer.

Check it!

Don't yell at me!

Please don't do this.

I spent a year

in Afghanistan.

I have sometimes

very low tolerance for pressure.

Come on!

O.K. What is wrong

with the thing?

Oh, f*** me!

It's not working.

Hold on. O.K.

What is wrong?

Oh, O.K. O.K.

Excuse me.

This is the problem.

It is feces

flying into the fan.

There are function keys

for humans and simians,

and you're not a simian.

No, I'm not.

I had you as a baboon.

Sorry. I didn't...

There you go.

Were you here March 23rd?

Yeah.

With her?

- Yes.

- Yes.

O.K., um,

everything is fine now.

We're all back on-line,

and your baby...

your baby will be born

on December 15th.

O.K. Now it is time

for the physical examination.

Let's take a look

at your Volvo, O. K?

Come with me into here.

I'll warm my hands for you.

Please come in.

All right, madam.

If you would get undressed,

we'll begin, O. K?

And you may stay,

sir, if you like.

That's fine.

I'll wait...

Don't you dare.

I'd like to

stay.

Very good.

Let me get ready for you.

O.K.

We've worked out

all the insects.

Giddyup.

Run.

That lunatic

is not delivering me.

That's fine.

He's just a replacement.

Dr. Green will be there.

Let me help you, honey.

Just be gentle!

Honey, listen,

I was thinking,

about the baby...

Let's just keep it

to ourselves, huh?

Um, um,

yeah, all right.

Talking about it

before the third month

is bad luck.

Marty, look who's here!

Hey, look who's here!

Hey, guys,

what the hell?

Good to see you!

How you doing?

Hi.

When

are you due?

Oh, I'm not

pregnant.

You're not pregnant?

Yeah, right.

Huh?

What are you

doing

on the maternity

floor?

Are we on

the maternity floor?

Good grief.

We're completely lost.

Poor old Beck.

She had

some bad Chinese.

We're here to see

the gastrointestinal specialist.

What's his name?

His name?

Yeah.

I can probably

tell you

what floor he's on.

She volunteers here. I've sold

cars to almost every doctor.

Beck, what's his name?

It's Dr. something,

isn't it?

It's Doctor...

Ridiculous.

Excuse me.

Oh, gosh.

Thanks.

I didn't realize

I'd left it.

Thank you

very much.

You have

a small p*ssy.

What?

I found the little hairs

on the bag.

What?

You know, the... meow...

Oh, cat!

Yes, we have a cat.

Well, you must

get rid of it.

What?

Cats spread the disease.

Oh, yeah. Where

the small worms...

Yes.

Small worms.

In the poop.

Toxoplasmosis.

Toxoplasmosis.

Thank you.

Thank you both

very much,

but Skippy

is old and clean

and won't cause

any problem.

O.K. Well,

it is your choice...

the cat or the baby.

Sorry to bring you

that news.

Baby.

Oh, congratulations,

guys.

I'm so excited!

Congratulations,

you guys.

Congratulations.

Wow. That's great.

Oh, your first.

Thanks.

Sorry about...

That's all right.

I've been

lied to before.

You're good at it.

We could use you

at the car lot.

It's so exciting!

We're happy for you.

How are you feeling?

I'm O.K.

A little tired.

Everybody

gets tired,

but the whole

thing is just

a life-changing

event.

I'll give

you my number.

We can go

baby shopping.

You've got to

get that book,

What To Expect

When You're Expecting.

And we've got videos of

all her births.

You've got to

film your first.

That's the best.

It's the bloodiest...

blood everywhere,

things shooting out,

people screaming, stuff getting

torn and sewed together.

It's like a good

World War II movie.

Will you keep

the car?

Yeah. It's fine now.

Cost a bit of money.

But it only seats

two people.

It always did.

But you're going to

have a baby.

You could never fit

a car seat in there.

Listen, stop down

by the lot.

I'll make you

a good deal.

All right?

Great.

Honey, we got to go.

Bad Chinese...

Buddy!

Come on, baby.

Let's roll.

See you guys.

O.K.

I hate him.

I loathe him.

He tried to

sell me a new car.

Can you believe that?

Tacky or what?

Yeah,

but he's right.

We're going to need

something bigger.

But you know how much

I love my car.

I've worked

hard for it.

What do you

suggest?

Tie the baby

to the hood like a deer?

Well, no, but maybe

you could get a car.

On my salary?

Come on.

Well, put it this way.

I'm not getting rid

of the car.

What about the cat?

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