Nine Months Page #4

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Huh?

What, you believe

Dr. Zhivago in there?

The monkey doctor?

He's right.

I've read about it.

Cats can be dangerous

for a baby.

They can suffocate

the baby, claw the baby.

Skippy is 16.

He can barely move.

He's half-blind.

He's too weak

to suffocate anyone.

What about hygiene

in the kitchen?

You get cat hair

and cat saliva.

You said that this baby

wouldn't change our lives.

Now I have to sell my car

and get rid of my cat.

This is the second month,

and our lives

are practically unrecognizable!

I really appreciate

your asking us along.

I'm hoping this

will get Samuel excited

about having a baby.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Yeah, 'cause, um,

if things

don't change,

I'm thinking

about leaving him.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Sure you are.

I thought about leaving

Marty all the time,

but this

is his first time.

You've got to

give him a chance.

He's completely

uninvolved.

This whole baby thing

really scares him.

He's probably having

trouble facing it.

If you have a baby,

that means

he's got to grow up.

The baby's the fun part.

That's fun.

You know.

Look at all this stuff.

Ah, yeah! Whoo!

He's going to

love this.

You know you're

having a boy, right?

Yeah.

Gail took one of those

amnio tests, I suppose.

No.

How do you know?

I can tell

it's a boy

by the way she's

carrying it all in front.

They don't often

carry them at the back.

If it's a boy,

they carry them low

like this.

If it's a girl,

it's up like this.

Plus, there are

special ways

to ensure that it

will be a boy.

What do you mean,

special ways?

Well,

when we made love...

Yeah?

we used

special positions.

Oh, please.

That's an old wives' tale,

that stuff.

You'll see.

Sometimes I'm not sure

I want this baby.

Oh, Missy,

of course you do.

It's just

such a privilege.

There's hundreds

of women

who spend thousands

of dollars every day

trying to

get pregnant.

It's like our profound

biological right.

It's something men

can never experience.

It has to be

at the right time for you,

but really,

it's a miracle.

And then

when the baby comes,

there's moments

of sheer happiness.

Even if you're alone?

I know it's fashionable,

PC, all that,

to be a strong,

independent single mother,

and, uh,

I'm prepared for that.

I can do that,

but, um, I would

love this baby

to have a mother

and a father.

I would love to

have a family,

and I would love to

marry Samuel.

Um...

all he has to do is ask.

Oh, Missy.

Okey-dokey.

Huh huh huh.

O.K. Tell your mommy

if she loves you,

she'll buy you

the whole Arnie collection!

Thank you,

Arnie.

Who loves you,

girls?

- Arnie.

- Arnie.

Hey, fellas.

How about taking home

a new Arnie doll

for the kiddies?

No, thank you,

buddy.

Mister,

you'd look great

in my "Arnie Loves You"

t-shirt.

They come in

extra-extra-extra large.

No, thank you.

How about a new

"Arnie Loves You" video?

No, thanks. O. K?

I'm not going to

buy your damn video!

But the kids

will love it.

My kids think

your show sucks.

Oh.

But thanks,

anyway.

Hey, no hard feelings,

O. K?

All right. Sorry.

That's O.K.

Huh huh huh.

So long.

Eh, you cheap sh*t.

What did you say?

Huh?

Oh, gee. I didn't say

nothing, mister.

He didn't say

anything, Marty.

Bye-bye.

Arnie loves you.

You penis-head.

I heard that!

Heard what?

I heard what you said!

He's pathetic.

Come on.

There's children around here,

for God's sake!

So long...

you fat-ass p*ssy!

That's it!

No.

Yes!

Uh-oh.

No. No. Arnie.

Come on,

you wiener.

Come on,

you b*tch.

Here's one

for the queen.

Oh!

I'll get him, Sammy.

Hey, cut it out.

Oh, you hit

like a girl,

you flatulent

butt-head.

I'll take both

you wieners on.

You and that

p*ssy boyfriend!

Right, you bastard!

Who's the fat p*ssy

now, buddy?

Tell your sister

to let go of my tail,

you weak-wristed

Nancy boy!

Get off me,

you fat bastard!

I'll shove an "Arnie Loves You"

lunch box up your ass!

Marty!

Samuel!

Oh, you...

Hi, honey.

He is

such a jerk!

We're in trouble.

Run to Mommy.

I'll wipe the floor

with you.

Oh...

Wow! That's, uh...

that's quite a breakfast

you've got there.

Mm-hmm!

Wow, you, uh...

certainly got

your appetite back.

Mmm! Boy...

I don't know

if you noticed...

The first three months

were tough on me.

But now, you know,

my breasts

don't hurt,

no more nausea

or insomnia,

and I feel great!

Oh! Good news.

So, I was thinking,

you know,

I know it's been

two months

since we made love,

but maybe we could

fool around tonight.

Check!

Leave the breakfast.

But I haven't

finished the food!

O.K.

I'll be right back.

Huh? What?

I'll be right back.

Wait here for me.

Right. Right.

Ready when

you are.

Ow!

Ready.

Oh, my God.

Oh, wow.

Ha ha ha!

What is it?

It moved.

Huh? What moved?

The baby. It moved!

Oh.

Oh, right.

Here.

Put your hand here.

It's like bubbles.

I-I-I don't

feel anything.

No, just wait.

Oh. It stopped.

What a shame.

Yeah.

It's an incredible

feeling.

Yeah?

Yeah.

I guess I got plenty

more time to feel it.

Yeah. Yeah.

Ohh...

Honey, do you think

we're hurting the baby?

No. No.

Because

if I can feel it,

then it can feel me.

No, I don't...

I don't think so.

Yeah.

Yes, yes, yes,

it can.

What if the baby

can see?

Um... see what,

my love?

Your penis

coming toward it.

That could scare

the hell out of a baby.

Rebecca, I-I...

What if your penis

caused brain damage?

Are you serious?

I don't know, I just...

don't think

we should make love

until we talk

to the doctor.

Please?

We don't know what

could happen, hon.

O.K.

Fine.

Fine, fine, fine.

But you know what?

I bet

if we wait awhile,

we can feel

the baby move again.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah.

That will be

just as much fun.

Uh!

That's my game.

F***! Sh*t! Sh*t!

Aah!

Hey, hey, Sam.

F***!

Ho!

O.K., that's it.

No more tennis

for today.

That's it.

What happened to your

British etiquette?

This John McEnroe thing

is scaring me.

Um, Sam,

what's the matter?

What's the matter?

I'm in the middle

of a nervous breakdown.

You're going

to have a thrombo.

What's the matter?

Why?

O.K.

Rebecca is

pregnant. There.

What?

I am completely

sexually frustrated.

I do not

sleep at night.

I have these

appalling nightmares.

About what?

The latest nightmare

is that the baby is deformed...

It's missing an arm,

or it's got

cauliflower ears

with an eye

on its forehead.

I can't stand it!

I don't know why...

Do you want

the baby?

I don't know

what I want anymore.

Well, what about

an abortion?

We're in the fifth month.

It's too late.

Absolutely.

Sit, sit, sit.

Relax. Let's talk

about this for real.

My God. Jesus.

I mean, you love

Rebecca, right?

Yeah, I adore her.

O.K., O.K.

You got to be

honest with her.

Always let her know

how you're feeling.

You got to

talk to her.

Christine and I

never talked.

We were idiots.

We threw it away.

Look at me. Look

what I've become.

You have a wonderful time

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