Noobz Page #4

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You didn't deserve the way

she left you, man.

- Thank you, bro. Appreciate it.

- I mean, come on.

I know, me, I know deep down,

beneath that prickish behavior

of yours,

you're just a guy

who needs love.

OK, man. Thank you.

And seriously, for her

to tell you that she's

leaving you

during a clan match

that she's going to bang

another dude, come on!

OK, man! Thank you! I get it.

You care.

Is that...?

Does he have lipstick on?

Road trip! Right? [laughs]

Party time! Sup, guys?

Road trip!

- [panting]

- You sure got a purty mouth!

- Oh, you do. [laughs]

- Calm down, man.

Before you think Andy wants you

to shine his pole, you might

wanna take a look in the mirror.

I got a zit or something?

[laughs] I had you guys going!

Yeah, going to put a lock

on the closet door.

Let's get going, bro.

- No, no...

- It's OK, bro. It's OK.

We know all about it.

He was in the closet

He was in the closet

[Greg] You.

You!

[grunts] Don't go

weak on me, man.

Don't go weak on me, man!

Stay focused.

You are the greatest gamer...

...in the world.

No. No.

You are the greatest gamer

in the universe!

Don't go weak. Stay strong!

Stay strong! Stay... Ow!

Stay strong!

Know what I hope?

I hope that one day

some unfriendly aliens

come and land on this planet

and they take it over,

and then when all else fails...

...all hope is gone,

they come to me...

...with my skills,

to rescue...

...all humanity.

That's my prayer.

That's my hope.

And that everyone...

...discovers...

...the essence that is me.

Armagreggon!

[grunting]

[man] This is my

game controller.

There are many game controllers

like it.

But this one is mine.

Without me,

my game controller is useless.

[hip-hop plays]

Without my game controller...

Dude, that's what I'm saying,

all right?

Some people still think

gamers are anti-social virgins.

They must have saw

your picture first.

I am serious, man.

We should be taken as serious

as professional athletes.

Yeah, dude. With like

a fat-ass house and five cars

in the driveway. That'd be sick!

- Exactly!

- All right, enough, man.

Just tell me how long

- until we get to the hotel.

- All right, we have...

...386 miles, which is...

about five and a half hours till

we get to Hollywood's house.

Wait a minute, what? Oh, damn,

what are you talking about?

What do you mean,

Hollywood's house?

We need him for the tourney,

he's in the clan,

- we gotta pick him up.

- You know I cannot stand

that guy, man.

And we gotta pick him up?

He annoys me.

Look, last week I called

and I think his wife answered.

- Oh! Did she sound hot?

- As if you would care, bro.

Yeah, bro, I would care! OK?

I will have you know

that I have spanked the bottom

out of a hoe or two... before.

All right, listen,

Dr. Spank The Bottom Out,

let me finish.

All right? So I called

and she was a little surprised

that we didn't know that

he had health conditions.

- He's got a health condition?

- Yeah, and it seems

pretty serious.

- They were at the hospital.

- Maybe... maybe that's why he

does not act anymore.

No, listen, she said, though,

she's very happy we're gonna

bring him to this tournament,

that this is probably

what the doctor ordered.

A little guy time.

A little... a little

fun in the sun, man.

So this'll be good.

This is ridiculous, man.

I'll pay, you pump.

- Oh!

- I mean the gas, Oliver.

- Fine, I'll do it.

- Oh.

I'll just stay in here.

Wait for you guys.

[bell dings]

[singing softly]

I'm down on my knees

[continues singing]

Don't you think you're a little

young to be drinking coffee?

I'm from New York, a**hole.

Caffeine was in my

mother's breast milk.

Maybe you're a little young

to be cursing then.

Um, excuse me, Dr. Phil,

but I don't think anyone

asked you, did they?

Look, devil child, just grab

your little moo-moo juice

or whatever you need to make

that little babyccino,

and skip on out the door.

- [scoffs]

- [scoffs]

Guess Mommy didn't

love you enough.

I'll have you know

my mother and I

have a great relationship,

unlike yours, I'm sure.

First of all, what would you

know about my relationship

with my mother?

Do the puppets have a song

about therapy now or what?

Puppets are

for brain-dead children.

So don't condescend me as if I'm

some child still picking boogers

and sleeping in my own sh*t.

You're just a self-absorbed

prick that feels he can vomit

his thoughts and opinions

on anyone at any time.

And you're wrong.

- Self-absorbed?

- Yes. I assume

that's your picture

on the side of your car outside?

It's a self gratification tool

that somehow makes you feel

more important about yourself,

as if it's a billboard

or something.

Yeah, it's a car,

and it makes you look

like a douche.

- I was building a brand.

- Really? A brand?

That's how you justify that?

Since you felt the need to try

and sum up my life as a child

because of my interest in coffee

and obscenities, why don't you

give me a try to sum up yours?

I can tell by your personality

that Mommy didn't give you

enough attention.

Or you possibly stayed on the

nipple a year or two too long.

I think it's good. I think it

makes you look good, 'cause of

conditioner and stuff like that.

I'm trying, dude, 'cause,

you know, this is the first time

I'm gonna meet Ricki and...

- Oh, dude! No, no, no! Dude!

- Girl guns...

- Look what I got

for the friends!

- What did you get?

- What did you get? No way, bro!

- Right?

- Shirts for the tourney!

- Reign Clan!

This is awesome 'cause I know

all the other clans have shirts!

- Now we have shirts.

- We do.

You are awesome.

You are an idiot, bro!

R-E-I-G-N is "reign."

R-E-I-G-N is "reign."

Now we're the "Riegn" clan!

Hey, guys, check 'em out.

Here they come.

The "riegn" clan.

And by the tan line on your ring

finger, I assume that

you tried to marry someone

that reminded you

of your mother.

Go ahead and deny it,

but it's true, isn't it?

That sort of dysfunctional,

verbally abusive relationship

somehow gave you peace.

And those clothes you're wearing

are a cry for your yearning

to be young.

But those wrinkles tell me

a different story, don't they,

Peter Pan?

- Who are you?

- I'm your conscience.

And your life will only get

worse if you don't get a grip

on your anger issues.

This is gonna sound crazy,

but thank you.

I feel like

I needed to hear this.

You're welcome.

Can I have a hug?

Sure. Why not?

Come here.

[gasping]

Your daughter is amazing.

You... sick bastard!

Wait a minute, lady, I was

just talking to your daughter!

What are you doing?!

Call the cops!

Call the cops!

The police come soon! I know how

to make them come in one minute.

- [laughs] What are you doing?!

- Hi, 911?

I'm just your average,

white taxpayer.

I notice there's a commotion

going on at a gas station.

[shouting]

I believe in Jesus. All right.

I'll see you soon.

- Call the goddamn cops!

- Look at my bat!

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