Noobz Page #7

---

It's gonna be good, bro.

You should be... Ooh!

What are you doing?

Fidgeting like a child.

I'm sorry. All right?

I'm a wreck, man.

It's the first time

we're gonna meet in real life.

- You need another shot, bro.

- Yes, please.

-Propofol.

- [snickers]

- Don't make fun of me.

- Just sit tight, Billy Jean.

I got you.

- Two Jagers and a wuwu.

- Yeah.

Wuwu! What the hell's a wuwu?

- Me?

- Is that some

kind of fruity drink?

- [laughs]

- [imitates laugh]

Well, Gary, if you must know,

the drink that was invented

long after those shoes

and that turtleneck

went out of style.

That's the funny thing

about style.

It goes in circles.

That's an awesome comeback.

Good for you, buddy.

Hey, your dad's...

Here, drink these, man. Come on.

Thank you. Let's say

this is to being here

and winning the

whole damn thing.

About as cocky

as I imagined you'd be.

- You serious with this?

- Hi, Andy.

I remember the first time

I had a girlfriend.

I'm gonna get new ones.

I'm sorry. You want one?

I'd love one, thank you.

- Get her a Shirley Temple.

- Unlike your IQ,

- I'm actually over 21.

- Actually, my wife left me,

so why don't you just dump

- some salt in the wounds there.

- Oh, cry me a river.

How about I throw you in one?

Speaking of that,

why don't I ask you what your

intentions are.

My intentions

are none of your business.

With Andy? Oh,

I believe they are.

OK. I stand by it.

My intentions are none

of your business.

But I have two reasons

for being here.

I wanna win this tournament,

and I wanna spend time

with Andy. I like him.

- You really like him?

- Yeah, I like him.

I think he's sexy.

Jesus, I don't know.

She's making me nervous.

Got this girl. Wait!

No way! Armagreggon?

Greg "Armagreggon" Lipstein?

- Do I know you?

- Hells yes, you know me!

Well, no, I know you.

Well, I don't know you,

but I know who you are, dude.

You are Armagreggon, the legend!

You are awesome, man!

I cannot believe this!

What are you doing here?

- Man, I'm competing.

- Get the... you...

- You play Gears of War?

- [scoffs] No.

Man, I'm here for

the Frogger championship.

- Boom!

- Frog... Duh!

I used to...

I used to jerk off to you.

- Did you?

- I'm telling you.

Do you wanna...

Do you wanna come over to me

and my friends and have

a drink, man? I really...

- Let me ask you a question.

- What?

You're not

still jerking off, are you?

Well, no. I mean, now,

I might have a lady.

- She like older guys?

- I love your mullet, bro.

- Thanks, man.

- You know what?

Can we go over...

Will you please come have a

drink with me and my friends?

- Why not?

- Listen, I don't know

what you're ruse is,

but I know this.

If you try and use your vajayjay

to screw up this tournament,

mm-hm, whatever you wanna

call it, your muffin..

- This is...

- Awesome.

...Greg "Armagreggon" Lipstein,

man. The legend!

- Along with its clothes.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

- He has won every...

- What's up, brother?

- ...'80s school, Q-bert,

Donkey Kong, ever award

you could think of.

[rock music plays]

Strung out

Headed for the road

Got no more to be found

Got nowhere to run...

That's how I started my

business. I'm not...

Uh, you know, look.

That's my business.

And it's...

Greg Lipstein, CEO,

Snow Globe Kings.

"When you think of snowballing,

think of me."

Wow. That's an

excellent card, Greg.

- Cheers.

- That's what I'm talking about.

But it's all different now,

you know? Games...

The whole...

the whole thing's all...

Yeah, but man,

you were a legend.

Well, I miss the recognition.

But not really.

I mostly just miss the poontang.

Back in the day,

my mustache looked like

a glazed donut.

- Good for you.

- Yeah.

There was this one place,

the Sun Desert Lodge

in Las Vegas,

I banged everything.

Cocktail waitresses, maids...

- I've heard of the place.

- Jeez...

You wouldn't know

a Julie Theodore, right?

She used to work at the Sun

Desert Lodge or Inn,

whatever you called it.

[coughs]

You all right?

Here, take a drink.

- No, no, I don't...

- Who are you talk...

Who are you?

I am not... your daddy.

- Yeah, no kidding, man.

Thank you.

- No.

I know. Thank you.

Uh-uh. No, bro.

You got asthma, bro?

Thanks for the drink.

Hollywood, I might have just

found your daddy.

[hip-hop plays]

Welcome back. I'm Adam Sessler

and you're watching

Exploited TV's exclusive

live coverage of day one of

the Cyber Bowl championships.

I gotta say, this is shaping up

to be incredible.

All of the four top

Gears of War III teams

are here, in Los Angeles.

And we're just waiting to figure

out who's gonna be the winner.

And speaking of winners,

we are joined by 17-year-old

Sebastian Johnson,

who, if you ask me,

looks nothing like 17.

Yeah, but no one asked you.

Speaking of the top ranked

teams, you're number one

in the latest Gears poll,

coming into the tournament.

Is that gonna be changing up

your strategy?

Strategy?

I kill mother...

OK, you can't do that.

Can't do what? I been killing

mother... ever since Gear I.

- You were like five back then.

- You were old back then.

All right, you know what?

Best of luck, little man.

- Little man?

- All right, if you want more

of the Cyber Bowl championships,

you know what to do.

Keep tuning into Exploited TV,

right here in Los Angeles.

Oh, my God. I can't do this.

[man] What up, gamers?

Brian "Bankrupt" Simmons here,

podcasting live from

the Cyber Bowl's championships

in Los Angeles, California.

This is it. No more trash

talking, no more teabagging

behind your firewalls.

This is face-to-face

tournament action.

I'm gonna be bringing you

all the play-by-plays

all day long.

And we got the top teams

in the nation.

We have Black Assassins, Killa

Klownz, Optic and Liquid.

- It's going down.

- Who's the girl now, huh?

- Nice.

- Come on!

- You don't want none!

- Right side, right side!

- Two shot, two shot!

- Yeah!

[Brian] This tournament

is full throttle now.

No one's safe,

not even the top seeds.

- Is your mama mad at you?

- Old School Killers out!

God, you move so friggin slow.

Dead Presidents, out!

And the second-ranked team

of the tournament, War Pigs,

are already packing their bags,

bye-bye, piggies!

Ready for the bounce

Sorry that you came, man

Sorry that you lost

I'm a give my all

No matter what the cost

'Cause I gotta

win, win, win

Headed, headed for the gold

I'm a bring the heat, man

I'm a bring the stove

You could bring it hard

or you could bring it bold

But I'm gonna

win, win, win...

Really? Out of all these teams,

we play these dudes first.

- Karma, bro. Karma.

- I don't care what it is.

- I'm going to get a drink.

- Hurry up, man.

We got five minutes.

- What's Cody's problem?

- It's Acid Reign.

They were in our clan

back before you were.

- So, what happened?

- Get this, dude.

Cody threw 'em out

for having a bad attitude.

[laughs] What? That's like the

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes