Not Cool Page #5

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Okay, you know what, fine.

I have another idea.

I don't want to do it.

It's gonna hurt.

Stop being such a baby.

Ay, can you please

hurry the f*** up?

My daughter is waiting.

Go!

See?

That wasn't that bad.

Oh, I guess it wasn't.

Uh.

Is anyone else

losing their vision?

Uh...

at least he didn't

pierce your dick.

I'm not really

a pot kind of guy.

You know what, that's fine.

I'll get the clippers.

Give me that f***ing brownie.

Oh, my god.

Okay, what if it makes me

all chatty and paranoid

And annoying?

Oh, my gosh, then we're gonna

know that it didn't work.

Is it gluten-Free?

I have a really

sensitive stomach.

Oh, my god, I know you have

a sensitive everything.

Yes, it's gluten-Free.

Oh, my god.

That's f***ing good.

I know.

That's real good.

Isn't that good?

I think I'm high.

We have fun,

we have fun

We got the summer nights

under our tongues

Are you ready?

We have fun,

we have fun

We got the summer nights

under our tongues

Your car broke down,

So you rented a party bus?

I did, yeah.

Every once in a while,

It's just nice

to treat yourself.

Quit the bullshit, Joel.

What's going on?

No bullshit.

Nothing is going on,

Besides the start

of our glorious evening.

No sex in the car, kids.

Last thing I want to see

Is two underage,

Semi-Ethnic-Looking,

Possibly native American

teenagers

Making a mess on my

brand-new pleather interior,

Forcing me to

lap, lap, lap it up

Like a golden retriever

on a hot-Ass day.

F***.

Well, I feel safe.

Don't worry about her.

I'll kick her ass.

I'm here for you.

Joel, I don't have time

for this.

I have 200 years

of European history

To memorize by Monday.

Which is why

I am going to help you

Connect those boring,

mundane facts

To ideas that are

personal to you.

How?

Okay, champagne.

What do you think of

when you drink champagne?

Old people, headaches.

Okay, perfect,

let's go with headaches.

Champagne is from France.

It was originally used

in the coronation of kings.

King Louis XVI

also got a headache

When he was beheaded

by his own subjects

On January 21st, 1793,

During the French revolution.

- Not bad.

- Yeah.

Just letting you know

I'm changing the atmosphere up

a bit.

Ah!

Why is my ass getting hot?

Seat warmers!

You're welcome.

Well, anyway,

a few mnemonic devices

Won't be enough to get me an "a"

in draper's class.

You knew about

mnemonic devices?

What I don't know

is what to study.

Draper's cramming way too many

chapters into one test.

Well, I don't go back

to Cornell

Until Sunday, so...

and I thought you were

actually gonna help me study.

- Pull over.

- Wait, wait, hold on.

Hold on.

Would this help?

You have the test?

Draper uses the same password

for all his secure files.

It's "Ariana Grande's

puffy nipples 555."

Well, why didn't you

lead with this

Instead of the lame mnemonic?

Well, once you had

the actual test,

There'd be no reason

for you to hang out with me.

Joel.

I still want to hang out

with you.

I just don't want

to lead you on.

Like, nothing's gonna happen

between us.

F***!

No, duh, I know that.

- Yeah.

- Sure.

Seriously, like,

it's not gonna happen.

Okay, what if you and I

Were stuck on

a deserted island together

And you were getting

super horny.

You're diddling yourself

every night, sure.

But what you really need

is a penis.

Now, you're thinking,

"I'll go artificial."

You're looking for a dildo,

you're looking for a dildo.

You're searching the island.

You can't find one.

All of a sudden, you see me.

I just gave myself

a nice little saltwater bath.

I look great.

I shoot you a wink.

What are my chances?

Well, in that scenario,

I guess you might

actually have a shot.

Almont?

I've always wanted to eat here.

Huh, what a lucky guess.

But I'm not dressed for this.

I got it covered.

A-vooga-vooga!

Heh-La-La-La!

Yes, please.

I'm kidding.

But seriously,

you look really f***ing good.

Joel, I can't believe

you got me this dress.

I've wanted it for so long.

Really?

No way.

Oh, my god, baby.

Who knew our tastes

were so sympatico?

Joel...

only on a dildo-Less

abandoned island, I know.

F***.

I think I broke my vagina.

Mm.

You know what's good as hell

when you're high?

What?

Motherfuckin' French fries.

Ah.

I can only burp like that

when I'm high.

Classy.

Okay.

I have something to tell you.

You're a lesbian?

What?

No.

Why would you even think that?

You're the one

that made me buy Charlene.

Oh, my god, you named her?

Yeah.

I even gave her a backstory.

She's had a hell

of a year, Charlene.

Abusive husband.

Children died

in a plane crash.

Went to rehab a few times.

Even tried to kill herself.

Aw.

But she's bouncing back.

One day at a time,

right, Charlene?

You're not high.

What?

That's what I had to tell you.

I just gave you

a plain old brownie.

There was no weed in it.

Was it even gluten-Free?

You b*tch.

I'm sorry.

Oh, my god, I don't even know

what the f*** gluten is,

To be honest.

The nation's leading killer,

at the moment.

- Bullshit.

- Yeah.

Okay, wait a minute.

If I'm not high, then how

do you explain the fact

That I've been really f***ing

high for the last two hours?

It's a placebo effect.

You had this preconceived notion

Of how you would respond

to the brownie,

So when you ate the brownie,

Your brain

automatically responded

As if the chemical reaction

were actually happening.

You fake-Drugged me?

- That's not funny.

- It's kind of funny.

No, it's not.

It's f***ed up.

Well, you know what?

Then I guess

payback's a b*tch,

And we're even.

Even for what?

I've never done anything

this f***ed-Up to you.

Are you serious?

Oh, here we go.

Yeah, here we go.

Hm, yeah.

Hey, I took that.

It's actually one

of my favorite shots.

I love the way the light

hits your hair.

See the natural composition...

F*** your composition.

That was my life

that you were photographing.

I mean, do you have any idea

when that was taken?

Prom.

Yeah, exactly.

The night that that a**hole

from Murrysville

Who took my virginity

Decided to stand me up

and tell me

That I was just his dumb

little slam-Pig

Whom he wouldn't be seen

in public with.

I didn't know.

Yeah, no, nobody knew.

But you still went

and you posted the picture

Like it's just

no big f***ing deal,

Because you have absolutely

no idea what it's like

To be a loser.

You want to know a secret?

This is the first time

on a Friday

I've actually done anything

in, like, months.

You know what I usually do

on Fridays?

I'll walk you through it.

I get home from class,

lay in bed,

And I masturbate,

Like, viciously,

Like, for five hours,

Like a marathon.

God!

And then I go to the fridge,

And I get a bunch of food,

and I eat my feelings.

Then I go to sleep.

Every Friday night.

I hate college.

I f***ing hate it.

I hate everything about it.

I hate my classes.

I hate my professors.

They suck the fun

out of everything.

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