Not Cool Page #6

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I'm failing every class.

I'm failing yoga.

How do you fail yoga?

You know what the worst part

of everything is?

This whole time we've been

having this conversation,

All I can think about

is how happy I am

To be in this gym,

Because...

I f***ing miss high school

so bad.

And we will cue

the CW soundtrack...

right there.

I mean, really?

We were having a nice moment.

You got to be a b*tch?

No, honestly, though,

I think that heather dumping you

Is probably the best thing

that could have happened.

Think about it.

She was giving you

A reason to resist

your new environment.

She was giving you an excuse

to hate it.

I think you're gonna like school

a whole hell of a lot better

When you go back.

Okay, seriously, though,

we need to leave right now,

Because I can't stand

this gym much longer.

I promised myself

the only way I would come back

Is if I had telekinetic powers,

And that has not happened today,

so let's go.

All right, but I'm driving.

What?

Why?

I know cool places too.

You're not high,

but you still can't catch.

Dad's dead!

Dad's dead.

Yo, my dad's dead, dad's dead.

I can't believe you like

what's eating Gilbert grape?

I thought I was

the only one.

Are you kidding me?

Okay, literally,

the only thing hotter

Than Leonardo Dicaprio

is, like,

A retarded Leonardo Dicaprio

wearing a f***ing sexy diaper.

Ugh, that sh*t

makes me so wet.

Oh.

Okay, good.

Hey, do you want

to get retarded with me?

What's that?

It's ethyl.

It's like molly mixed

with bran muffin

And prune juice or something.

I hear it's supposed to be...

Totes Cray?

Exactly.

I thought that

you loved this stuff.

What gave you that impression?

I...

You Facebook stalked me.

What?

Lacy posted that

stupid sh*t on my wall,

Like, six hours ago,

About getting f***ed up

on ethyl.

What is Facebook?

Is that a website?

In fact, this whole night

Has been a little too perfect,

hasn't it?

The restaurant, the dress,

Our... Our nonstop conversation.

The conversation was all me.

Really?

Because it's kind of weird

That all of your favorite things

are the same as mine.

Do you even like

what's eating Gilbert grape?

That was true.

That fat mom being lit on fire

at the end?

F***ing beautiful!

Killed me.

Okay, fine.

Fine, all right, so what?

What's the big deal?

I wanted to give you

a special time.

Is that a crime?

Am I in trouble?

Are you gonna yell at me?

I mean, I got one chance

to take you on a date,

And I just wanted to make sure...

I said no.

I think it's really sweet

you tried to impress me.

You do?

Yeah.

I mean, nobody cares

About what I think

or what I like.

But I don't get it.

If you're not

into this ethyl stuff,

Then why did you "like"

Lacy's post?

I don't like

half the stuff I "like."

It's just easier

to go along with everybody.

Thank you for dinner.

It was really retarded,

In a good way.

Well, I've got one more stop.

And I promise this

is gonna be something

You'll actually "like."

Oh!

I got three words:

Di-a-rrhea.

Am I right?

Slam dunk!

Whew.

All right, we're almost there.

Almost there, down the steps

to your deep, dark basement

Where you'll chop my body up

into a million pieces,

Reveal that you're

a serial killer,

And wear my skin until you die?

No, but I will do that

on our second date.

Oh, great.

This is a little bit

more awesome.

Oh.

Seriously?

Yeah, cool, right?

Oh, my god, how did you

even get in here?

I have connections.

Security guard was in my

community photography class.

Huh.

I've never actually

even been here.

- Really?

- Yeah.

I used to come here,

like, every Sunday.

Really, you?

'Cause I never pegged you

For the prototypical

football fan.

- Really?

- Yeah.

No, I love the football.

Oh, you love the football?

- Yeah.

- Mm-Hmm, yes.

Well, Mr. Football man,

How many points does one get

for a touchdown?

Hmm, here, wait,

let me think.

Oh, nice, good.

Yeah, awesome.

Oh, wait, almost got it.

That's the one

I was looking for.

Perfect form.

Well done.

All right, I don't know

anything about football.

But what I do know

Is they got some

bomb-Ass hotdogs here.

And the bathrooms are

way cleaner than you'd expect.

- Oh, classy.

- Yeah.

Classy stadium.

Yeah, we used to

come here every weekend.

My mom was a big fan,

So this was usually

the family outing.

I've never heard you talk

about your mom before.

It was cancer, right?

No, actually,

she was a Sagittarius.

What's your mom?

Yeah, she passed away

a few years ago.

Can we actually skip

this whole

"How did it feel

when she died?" Thing?

I have done that with

so many guidance counselors.

I am good.

Yeah, no, I mean,

I was already getting bored,

So I'm really glad

that we're moving on.

Thank you so much.

Awesome.

So, um...

what would you prefer

to talk about?

Actually,

you know the other night

When you said

it was "just sex"?

Mm-Hmm.

Was that, like "just sex"

one time,

Or could we just have "just sex"

Just again?

From the dead mom to sex.

That is a very impressively

smooth segue there, Romeo.

Mm, I'd say it's a touchdown.

Yeah, awesome.

It's not real without the dance.

Okay, there it is.

There you go, yeah, nice.

No, seriously, though,

You didn't answer the question.

Ah!

Ugh!

Oh, sh*t!

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

No, I thought it was gonna be,

like, romantic.

Oh, my god, are you okay?

It's okay, it's okay.

You okay?

I think I taste blood.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, I think I taste blood.

All right, we're here.

So you brought me

to a place

I've been to

a billion times before?

Hit it.

Whatever it takes

You know I can

make it through

Degrassi?

That was my favorite show

growing up.

I know.

You performed the theme song

at the middle school talent show

Three years in a row.

My favorite episode

is when jimmy gets shot.

No, where Emma gets gonorrhea

in her throat.

No!

When spinner

gets ballsack cancer.

Oh, my god, so sad.

I almost cried.

Jesus, that show

is, like, really f***ed up.

I know.

It goes there.

All right, and we're

gonna slow it down

With the after-The-Credits

version.

Ah, we have to dance.

I don't know how to dance.

Yes, you do know how to dance.

Come on.

Put your hands here.

Okay.

And then I put my hands

up here.

And now we just sway.

Sway.

Sway, sway.

Okay.

Move your hips.

But I don't want

to step on your feet.

You're not gonna step

on my feet.

Chillax.

But it could happen.

That's good, Joel-Ski.

You're lying.

I know you're lying.

I'm not lying.

Oh, my god.

This is just like the episode

where Clare left Eli

Because she found out

he was bipolar.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

You nervous?

No.

I mean, we've kind of

already done this before.

Yeah, it's just this time

I'm not covered in puke.

You're beautiful,

you know that?

You always were.

Sh*t.

Oh, my god.

Sh*t, is it 6:
00 already?

I promised I would help set up

For my sister's

engagement party.

- Mm.

- Mm-Hmm.

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