Not Cool Page #8

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he's simple.

He's far too simple,

And so scared of everything.

I mean, I was so close

to fixing him.

He was so f***ing close

to being...

Just like you.

With a penis!

He's not your project, Tori.

You can't force him

to be something he isn't.

You just have to accept him

for who he is.

Oh, my god,

how do you accept Gil?

I drink a lot.

I'm actually not even blind.

I'm just in a constant state

of blackout drunkness.

God, we have far more in common

that I thought.

I always knew you were gonna

grow up to be beautiful, Tori,

And that you were gonna have to

beat the boys away with a stick.

Just don't beat them all away.

I don't want to talk to you,

So leave a message,

mother-.

F***.

I won't take no

for an answer, Scott.

Heather?

What are you doing?

I found this

in shareef's mom's closet.

Isn't it f***ing hot?

It'll jingle

while you f*** me.

Whoo!

I know you want

to do me, Scott.

I really don't,

and you're really racist.

Oh, my god.

Oh, your penis

no not think so.

Thank you.

Come again, please.

Get it?

It's, like, come?

Yeah, no, I got it.

Oops, look what I found

in your car.

It's almost big enough

for both of us.

Boop.

God, I missed you

so f***ing much.

Ugh!

What's with all the violence?

Sorry, I'm on Rihanna.

It's molly mixed with steroids

and adrenaline.

Scott?

Has anyone seen Scott?

He's getting fingered

in the garage.

I'm sorry,

Scott is getting fingered?

No, but you are.

Okay.

Has anyone seen Scott?

Scott is here?

I love that guy!

Everybody, Scott's here!

You f***ing miss me?

Please, no,

I do not want this.

Shh.

I love you so much.

Please, no, I hate you.

I f***ing love you so much!

I f***ing hate you!

I f***ing hate you too!

Oh, my god.

This is too good.

Tori, wait.

Yeah, that one's

definitely the ugliest.

Tori, wait.

Come on.

Let go of me.

It wasn't what

it looked like, okay?

No, I came here

to apologize.

I came here to tell you

that I like you for who you are,

Only to find out

that you are a f***ing a**hole!

It's not what it looked like.

Heather basically raped me.

Oh, my god,

she weighs 90 pounds.

Just stay the f***

away from me.

Tori, whorie.

Tori, whorie!

Whorie, whorie, whorie,

whorie, whorie, whorie,

Whorie, whorie, whorie!

She raped me!

All right,

my little sweethearts,

Name of the game

is strip cup.

Now, for every miss,

you have to...

take off an article of clothing.

And for every make,

We have to take off

an article of clothing too.

Yay.

Is she...

retarded?

Yes.

Sometimes I drink bleach.

Huh.

Hey, I got to talk to you.

Uh, I'm busy here.

What, with strip cup?

Come on, it's important.

Come on.

Okay, Tori's really pissed

at me, and I need your help.

Go f*** yourself.

Uh, excuse me?

Uh, shall I repeat myself?

I thought I was clear

the first time.

Okay, why are you being

such a b*tch?

I just need your help.

If I had to guess,

I'd probably say

Tori's not talking to you

Because you're only ever

thinking about yourself.

That's not it.

Will you shut the f*** up?

The depth of your selfishness

is astonishing.

How dare you come to me

for advice?

You know how many times

I've tried talking to you

But you were too busy for me?

Too busy with your hair,

your photography, or heather,

Whatever bullshit

was consuming you at the time.

Look, I didn't know, okay?

You always seem so happy.

Well, that's kind of

the point.

You're only worrying

about yourself.

You're not aware

of your surroundings,

Let alone your only sister.

I'll see you at home, Scott.

- Wait.

- What are you doing?

I'm hugging you.

Why?

I don't know,

but I think we should.

Scott, enough.

This is way too Disney channel.

Yeah, I don't care.

Come on.

Let's hug it out.

I'm sorry.

I love you.

I love you too.

I knew you did.

So, I'm a self-Absorbed a**hole,

right?

Pretty much.

I always wanted to do that.

Yeah, feel good?

Yeah, it feels great.

Okay, good; Good for you.

Oh, my god.

I know what I got to do

to get her back.

Unless you need me

to stay here and talk about...

Go.

Do you want another hug?

We can hug again.

Go, go.

Stacy got tired of waiting.

Excuse me.

Mata!

Pita?

Run!

No!

Sorry, man.

Take me as a hostage.

Scott, what the f***

are you doing?

This.

I'm a complete a**hole.

I'm selfish,

I'm self-Absorbed,

And I suck

pretty much all of the time.

Yeah, well, you're just

stating the obvious.

But I want to change.

I'm sorry about

the prom picture.

And I'm sorry about heather.

And I'm sorry if I ever

made you feel like...

I was better than you

Or that you didn't matter,

Because you do, so much.

What happened with heather

didn't mean anything to me.

Yesterday was the best day

of my life.

And I really wish it wouldn't

have taken me so long

To start my f*** it list.

Language.

You shut the f*** up.

I know that hating everything

and everyone

Is kind of your thing, but...

god, I don't hate you.

Damn it.

I don't hate you either.

Oh, my god.

Your hair looks like sh*t.

I don't care.

I do.

It was rape, all right?

I swear to god.

She tricked my penis

into a boner.

Shut up.

All right.

All done.

How does it look?

Mm...

mm-Hmm, mm-Hmm.

Awesome.

Yeah.

I want to go somewhere.

Looking like that?

Just kidding.

Not really.

Oh, my god!

What did you do?

Something pretty stupid,

But it was worth it.

Wow, what made you

do all this?

Well, if we didn't

throw a party,

How would Joel get laid?

Oh, yeah.

Where is that sh*t-Face?

He's in the back room

getting a lot of SDTs.

I'm sorry, what?

Oh, baby, you're

so f***ing hot.

Well, not really,

But I have a lot of issues.

Ah!

A**hole, here I come.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Okay, quick question,

And let me know if this is,

like, totally out of line,

But it's always

been a dream of mine.

Is there any way

I could come on your tits?

Duhzeez.

Oh, those are so much

better than my mom's.

That is honestly...

the nicest thing any guy

has ever said to me.

This is totes our Rachel Mcadams

Ryan gosling notebook moment.

God damn it, you're sexy.

I know.

Hey, we don't really got

another place to go

And I know you don't

want to sleep alone

So take me home tonight

So I hit her with a

Oh, I know we don't got

another place to be

Come on.

I don't dance.

Oh, only in your living room?

Okay, well,

that's very, very different.

Oh-Ho-Ho, come on.

It's perfect.

Okay, okay, fine, fine.

Now that I've got you

I won't let you go

No, no, no, no

Now that I've got you

I won't let you go

To keep the light on,

honey

Is the least

that I can do

If I keep running back

to you

Hi, sweetie.

Dad, I'm sorry.

It's okay, it's okay,

it's okay.

This is perfect.

And all my

childhood dreams

Never turns out the way

that they're supposed to be

I don't want to live

a day past 29

Sorry, but the world

does not need to know

How I feel every second

of every day.

Call me crazy, but I think

That as soon as we comment

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