Old School Page #5

Good.

I actually wanted

to apologize to you about the wedding.

I hope I didn't embarrass you.

It's okay.

You just embarrassed yourself.

- I brought you a housewarming gift.

- That is really nice.

It's just a CD holder, you know, for your

desk or whatever. I thought it was...

No, that thing's a piece of crap.

Awful.

- I stopped selling it six months ago.

- Please, hey, Beanie.

- Thanks.

- A lot of complaints.

- But it's a nice gesture, I think.

- No, this is cool.

Hey, Godfather!

- What's up?

- Yo, you the man, dog!

See you around, homey!

Did that guy just call you

the Godfather?

Must be joking around or something.

Where are you guys living now?

We're staying with my dad for awhile,

until I find something better.

The move's been a little rough on Amanda.

My son Max is turning six on Sunday.

We're having a birthday party for him.

Just like, petting zoo and clowns,

stuff like that.

But you guys are welcome to come,

if you like.

- Great idea! You should definitely come.

- Okay.

What do you guys like better?

Nurse or cheerleader?

Hi, Nicole.

Hi, Frank.

It's a nice doll you have there.

Yeah, thanks.

She's okay.

Did you have fun at the wedding?

Yeah, it was fun.

I'm just staying here, for right now.

Anyways, we'll see you Sunday then.

Sunday, right. Okay.

- Bye. Say bye.

- Bye.

Bye.

- Hi, you've reached Marissa.

- And Frank!

We're not here,

so leave us a message.

Hey, honey, it's me.

Listen, just was calling to check in.

I been kind of busy lately.

A lot of paperwork, stuff like that.

Damn it.

If you are satisfied, press "1. "

To rerecord, press "2. "

Hey, Marissa, it's me.

Listen.

Gonna be in the neighborhood

a little bit later.

Didn't know if you wanted to

get together for frozen yogurt sometime,

or maybe even a whole meal of food.

If that'd be agreeable...

Stupid.

If you are satisfied, press "1. "

To rerecord, press "2. "

Hey, Marissa, it's Frank Ricard...

Okay, ladies.

The secret to a good B.J. is focus.

I don't care

if it's your husband of 1 0 years

or some hot sailor you met

at TGl Friday's a couple months ago.

Who never did call me back

but did leave me with a

little something called herpes.

Which I then gave to the dog.

But that's neither here nor there.

Grab your vegetables.

[girls giggle]

["Hungry Like the Wolf"plays]

Who's hungry? Who's hungry?

Come on.

Is this guy for real?

Yeah, he's fine.

He's the best there is.

Ladies, our thumbs are down,

our wrists are flexed,

and we're gonna position

ourselves for insertion.

Ready? Do it.

Um hmm.

Good, Marissa.

You can use a little teeth

but don't be a biter.

Now you're going to do

the work, ladies.

These carrots are not going

to ejaculate themselves.

Get into it.

Very good.

Very good.

Good, good, good.

Not so good.

Please, what are you doing?

You're not Romulus sucking on

the teats of the mother wolf.

If you know your Greek mythology.

Ladies, we are giving head here.

We're not breast feeding

from a mythological beast.

[laughing]

Oh, that's funny to you?

'Cause you won't be laughing

when somebody prematurely

pops in your face.

It stings, and that is now

why I have a lazy eye.

Thank you very much.

Continue, please, continue.

Up and in.

And mind the stepchildren.

Mind the stepchildren.

[music plays from house]

Marissa, come on.

That's it.

I like what I see.

Don't be afraid to arch it.

Marissa, come on.

That's it.

Everybody can learn from Marissa.

I'm gonna take a quick five.

You guys continue.

Nice work, Marissa.

Way to give a hundred and ten percent.

When I get back there,

I'm gonna show you something I call

"Crouching Tiger, Hidden Penis."

Did you see that movie?

I really like it 'cause of

the flying and the magic.

[glass breaking]

Bastard!

Someone just make a bad mistake!

[kung-fu scream]

Jesus Christ, Frank!

What the hell are you doing here?

You know this person?

I am so sorry.

Are you hurt?

- Yes, I'm hurt.

- [groaning]

Bob's not here. They're on the rocks.

You've outdone yourself once again.

It's nice, right?

Spanish, what the hell are you doing?

Man, I'm just getting some water, yo.

This suit is crazy hot.

Put your head on. Are you nuts?

That can be very traumatic for these kids.

- You're right, I'm sorry, sir.

- Don't "sorry" me.

Shake the tail when you walk, man.

You're better than that.

Take it easy.

You don't see me breaking

the fourth wall.

- Hi, guys.

- Hey.

- Nice costume.

- Thanks a lot.

- This is a great party.

- When'd you get here?

Just a few minutes ago.

This is my boyfriend, Mark.

Flew over from Colorado yesterday.

This is Mitch and Beanie.

How's it hanging, boys?

Pleasure to meet you.

So, listen, somebody told me

you guys are in a fraternity,

is that right?

- No.

- A fraternity. Is that true?

Not really. I mean, no.

It's more kind of like a social club.

We just kinda watch football

and hang out.

Hang out and spank each other, I bet.

It's not like that.

We don't take it too seriously...

Blue! How come there's no ice

in my lemonade?

Sorry, sir!

You drop down

and you give me ten!

- Now!

- Yes, sir.

Let's go!

That's Frank.

I'm gonna go ahead and give you these.

It's my work phone. Call me.

Speaker City. I own all six locations.

Max wants to open up his gifts,

but I thought maybe one would be all right?

Come on in here, Maxy.

You guys mind giving me a minute?

We'll talk surround sound

and everything else later. I'll cut you a deal.

I'm not gonna hold you over

the coals for it.

How you doing, bud?

What a day!

We can open Uncle Frank's,

but we got to wait for the others.

I don't know who's more excited,

Frank or Max.

Rip it up! Go at there. What is it?

Could it be a space ship?

Let's see what we got!

Yay!

What do you think, Max, huh?

It's got three speeds.

[children's song playing]

Damn it.

Excuse me.

I'll have one of those.

I'm Mark. What's your name?

Tracy.

Nice meeting you, Tracy.

- Right on there.

- There we go.

Okay, you can go back out

and play now.

Come on.

There. Take your doll. Okay.

I think she likes you.

She ignores most people.

I feel honored.

So, Mark, he seems like

an interesting guy.

He's harmless.

- How long have you two been together?

- Two years now.

I told him I had a crush on you

in high school and I think I got him jealous.

You had a crush on me?

You got to be kidding me.

I was obsessed with you.

Not in a dangerous way, you know.

I just watched you a lot, from a distance.

How come you never

asked me out then?

You were pretty intimidating back then.

You were always with older guys.

You had that Whitesnake jean jacket.

You smoked Marlboro Reds.

You were way out of my league.

I still have the Whitesnake

jean jacket.

I'm still pretty intimidated by you.

You're bad.

You're right. I am bad.

I'm sorry...

- I guess we're not knocking?

- Excuse me.

Excuse me, I've got to get

back to work.

...just returning these Band-Aids.

What are you gonna do?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes