On the Avenue Page #5

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# I can't remember a worse December

# Just watch those icicles form

# What do I care if icicles form?

# I've got my love to keep me warm

I'm surprised.

# Off with my overcoat

# Off with my gloves

# I need no overcoat

# I'm burning with love

- # My heart's on fire

- How could you do it?

# The flame grows higher

- What a nasty thing.

- # Though I will weather the storm

# What do I care how much it may storm?

Ouch!

# I've got my love to keep me warm

- Very good.

- That's easy, no?

- No.

- Are you ready for your first lesson?

Ready, Professor!

- Don't hurry me. I've just

had my breakfast. - Alley-oop!

Alley-oop!

- Ouch! My operation.

- Oh, that's nothing.

- Nothing.

- Madam, swing forth and back like that.

Eins, zwei.

- Oh, stop tickling me.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Eins, zwei.

- How am I doing?

- Oh, wunderbar.

- Madam singt himmlisch.

- Himmlisch?

Wenn es dann so schn schaukelt.

Eins, zwei.

Oh, hello, Mimi, darling. Come in.

Aunt Fritz, what on earth are you doing?

After seeing myself in that sketch,

I'm off everything Russian.

I've taken up something new.

Mimi, this is Herr Hanfstangel,

of the Five Flying Hanfstangels.

- For 16 years with Ringling Brothers.

- How do you do?

The greatest aerial artist in America.

Oh, no. In the world.

- Aunt Fritz, may I speak to you alone?

- Of course.

- Will you excuse us, Herr Professor?

- Certainly.

Mimi, you must have gotten up

before breakfast this morning. How come?

Aunt Fritz, I didn't sleep a wink last night.

Why didn't you take a sleeping powder?

I've never been so upset in all my life.

The more I think of what Gary Blake

did to me, the madder I get.

Gary telephoned me this morning.

- Telephoned you?

- Yes, he's on his way here now.

- What's he coming over here for?

- I don't know.

Perhaps he wants to talk about you.

- He's got a nerve, wanting to talk to you.

- Any message I can give him?

Yes. Tell him I think he's the lowest thing

I've ever had the misfortune to meet.

- Anything else?

- Yes.

If he thinks he made me look ridiculous,

wait till I finish with him.

There's no use crying over spilt gin.

- The damage is done. Forget it.

- I'll never forget it.

Now, see here, don't you do anything

that you'll be sorry for.

- Let's talk this over.

- I don't want talk! I want action.

- What can you do about it?

- Do about it? You'll see.

Mimi.

Mimi, let me explain.

I've tried to reach you.

I'm not interested.

- Young man?

- Hello.

Come up here. I want to talk to you.

I'll be right up.

Hello. I'm sorry, but Mr Dibble is

in conference. Will you call later?

Hello, boys.

Well, this is a cheerful little gathering.

What's all the excitement about?

- Read that.

- Every paper in town carried that story.

After what happened last night,

the Caraways might make trouble.

Well, you're a lawyer, that's your racket.

What do you think?

Well, the first sketch was OK,

but after the way it was acted last night,

the Caraways can sue you for damages

and take your pants.

And winter coming on. Do you think so?

They've got a great case.

Of course, they may not want the publicity.

- Everybody wants publicity.

- All you can do is sit tight,

- and hope it'll blow over.

- Blow over? You mean blow up.

And blow me up with it. Just my luck.

Don't let it get to you.

Maybe they won't sue.

Say, when people are that rich,

they'll do anything for money.

- Psst, Mr Dibble.

- Well, what do you want? What? What?

Miss Caraway is here.

- Mimi Caraway?

- In person.

- What did I tell you?

- She's gonna sue you.

Don't get excited. Control yourselves.

Don't let your nerves run away with you.

For heaven's sake, there's no occasion

to be excited. As a favour to me, quiet.

Quiet, please.

And you too! Let me see.

Bless my sister's cat's suspenders. Now,

will you please be calm and don't get excited?

I'll handle the situation.

Quiet, now, will you?

As a favour.

I know what I'll do.

I'll tell her I'm not in.

But you are in.

Mr Dibble, I want to talk to you.

- I think we can come to some arrangement.

- That's why I'm here.

- Miss Caraway.

- Sit down.

I...

Well, how have you been?

That's good. Huh? Oh.

Of course, Miss Caraway, I realise this

has been sort of a mistake and I apologise.

I don't want your apologies.

I want to buy your show.

Yeah... What?

The lady wants to buy your show.

She wants to buy the show.

Say, lady, are you kidding me?

I want to buy your show

and you're going to sell it.

She says I'm going to sell it.

I can't sell this show. It's a colossal

success, and I expect to make a fortune with it.

Now, look. I've been to see my lawyers

and I know exactly where I stand.

I can close your show

and put you out of business.

So let's stop beating around the bush.

Yes, I guess we'd better stop that.

Wouldn't you know it? First hit show I've

had in five years and now this has to happen.

How much?

How much? Well, let me see,

that would require a little figuring.

Now, let me see, there is first

the producer's salary. That's me.

The general cost of production. That'll run

into money. The scenery and the scenic artist.

Then there's the libretto

and the lyrics, the music.

Let's see, the costumes. That's the tights

for the girls and all stuff like that.

Spangles and so forth.

Let me see... There's the orchestra.

And the overhead out in front of the house

and the stage hands.

And, let me see, what else is there?

There must be something else.

Oh. Oh, yes. The actors' salaries.

- Mr Dibble, here's your cheque.

- Thanks. Kelly, look. Get away.

Now, I don't want anyone to know that I've

bought this show until after tomorrow night.

If news gets out, the

deal is off. Understand?

Absolutely. A deal's a deal. Good luck.

Come on, Kelly, slide.

- From now on, you are working for me.

- Yes, ma'am.

Get me Walter Winchell.

And you, Eddie, I want you to get me

400 extra people for tonight.

Scatter them around the theatre.

I'll give them instructions later.

I want you to see that whatever disturbance

happens in the theatre, the ushers do nothing.

- Listen, Miss Caraway, what is this mystery?

- If I told you, there'd be no mystery.

Hello? Mr Winchell?

I've got a tip for you. Be sure that

you're at Gary Blake's show tonight.

Something very exciting's going to happen.

What? Never mind who I am, but if you want

a great story for your paper, be there.

Goodbye.

Eddie, I want you to get hold of all the other

columnists and make sure they come tonight.

Yes, ma'am.

- Did you send for the Ritz Brothers?

- Yes.

They're here.

Wait a minute. I'm sure that's all very

interesting, but I'm afraid my time is limited.

- Well, how do you do?

- I understand you are supposed to be funny.

Why, do you wanna

make something out of it?

I'm going to give you a chance

to be really funny.

- Here's what I want you to do.

- What?

# Put on your slumming clothes

and get your car

# Let's go sightseeing

where the high-toned people are

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