One, Two, Many Page #5

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Sorry.

Hey, Benjamin.

Benjamin.

Oh, sorry.

Howare you?

l want you to just...

slate yourname

forthe camera, okay?

And just begin.

All right.

Hey, look, there are two ways

l could go with this, you know ?

ls it okay ifl try them both?

l'm sure that

both ofyorchoices

are going to be

just so great,

but really, we have

a lot of people to run,

so just do yourfavorite.

Thomas,just go

with yourgut.

l loved your

cell phone commercial.

Yeah, upstaged by a monkey?

Okay, can we

get started, please?

Thank you.

clears throat

Okay.

expels breath

Hi, my name is Thomas Burns.

My agent is Joseph Weiner.

Honey, where were you?

You know,

l was driving home

and l was thinking

ofhow much l loved you,

so l decided

to bring yo home

a little surprise.

Flowers?

Betterthan that.

Diamonds?

Betterthan that.

A new car?

Even betterthan that!

Honey, what could it be?

Wonder Burgers!

Oh, my God,

Wonder Burgers.

l love you.

l love you, too.

Nowlet's eat!

And, cut.

Thank you.

Howwas l?

You were great.

Thanks, Ben-hey-mean.

Ben-ha-mean.

Sorry. Take care.

How'd it go?

Okay, l guess.

Well, yo neverknow.

See ya.

Oh, Ern, Ern,

got a tip foryou.

The guy in there,

he loves to be called

by his fiirst name.

Which--which is?

Benjamin.

Thanks, man.

All right, take care.

Good luck!

Benjamin.

Wonder Burger.

changes inflection

Wonder Burger.

So where'd you get

this hooker's number, huh?

Eh, it's the place

Ernie always uses.

Ernie?

l don't wantto have sex

with someone Ernie's been with.

Why? He's a normal,

upstanding citizen

kind of guy.

Oh, yeah, right.

He's with prostitutes.

Look. Here, l got these numbers

out of the YellowPages.

Pick one.

Oh, thank yo ,

darling.

All right, fine.

dialing phone

Yeah, hi.

Can l get one ofyor

best body prostitutes?

laughs

Escorts. Sorry.

Yeah. Hold on .

Do you want blond,

brunette,

black, white,

Asian, Latina?

l don't care.

Well--Well,

l've never had Asian,

but Latina

sounds scrumptios.

God , it's like you're

ordering take-out.

All right,

you knowwhat?

Whoeveryou can

get here the quickest.

All right.

You have a part-time

aerobics instructor.

Perfect!

Make sure they bring

a dental damn.

H-- Hold on .

Awhat?

A dental damn.

l don't want

to get diseases.

Cold yo bring

a dental damn?

You don't have

dental damns.

What would that be for?

Okay, l get it, l get it.

No--

Wait. Could you

hold on a second?

What?

Ask herto bring

Saran wrap.

Saran wrap?

Yes.

Are yo kidding?

No, do it.

clears throat

All right, cold yo

pick up Saran wrap?

Look, l knowyou're

not a grocery store.

l'll throwin an extra 50 bucks

if you bring Saran wrap.

Great! okay,

my credit card number is--

yelps

Oh, my God, hold--

l'm so sorry.

Just hold on a second.

What?

Then they're going

to knowwho we are.

Yeah?

So l don'twant

f*** me flyers

coming to my house

forthe rest

of my natural life.

F*** me flyer?

All right, l'm just

going to pay cash.

Yes, the Edwards Hotel,

room 1904.

Thank you.

Bye.

l can't believe

l have a hooker

picking us up

Saran wrap from a deli.

giggling

Honey, that weed

has made me hungry.

Shold l call back

and have her get

some chicken cutlets

while she's there?

You're wasted.

cackling

All right.

shivering

Okay.

punching buttons

l need $100 fora tip.

punching buttons

machine whirring

Keep the change,

my friend.

l'm getting laid!

And you're only

giving me seven?

Heh, very funny.

Hi, l'm Sally.

Anyone orderSaran Wrap?

Uh, h-hi.

l'm Jennifer

and this is Thomas.

Hi, Sally.

So nice to meet yo .

Hi.

l'm sorry about the Saran wrap.

We've neverdone this before.

We're a little nervous.

That's all right.

Yourwife

is completely gorgeous!

Relax.

This shold be fun.

Wold yo like a drink?

Sure.

How's vodka

and cranberry?

Sonds great.

So do l pay you

the 500 up front

or do l pay yo later?

recordscratches

They told me 500.

Did they tellyou that?

No. 500 is forone person.

lf there's two people,

it's gonna be 800.

clicks tongue

You gotta

be kidding me.

All right, hold on .

l'll be right back.

You still want this?

All right.

All right, she said $800.

l have $600.

Which means l need $200.

Oh, and then

there's the tip.

Man, l'm so freakin' wasted.

Well, fora few more dollars

l could be, too.

machine whirring

So, are you still

seeing him?

No. Haven't heard

from him in weeks.

Do you think

it was the job?

Nah. That's howwe met.

Never bothered him before.

Uff.

Men.

Men.

Okay, let's party!

Ho ho ho!

Whoa !

Wow !

So nowwhat?

Well, nowwe get

undressed.

We get undressed!

lt's okay.

giggling

What are you

waiting for?

Come on , baby,

give me kisses.

Mm. Ah.

Oh, no tongue.

No tongue? Really?

Yeah. Safety reasons.

And going down

on my girlfriend's okay?

Well, yes, but the $800

doesn't include that.

What does it include?

Well, kissing, touching,

feeling, intercourse.

And no cunnilinguses?

Well, that would be extra.

What the f*** yo think

the Saran Wrap was for?

l don't know ,

chicken cutlets?

Thomas

Oh, man!

You knowwhat?

lt's okay.

l don't need it.

No, no, no, no, no.

Howmuch foreverything?

Athousand dollars

for everything.

Athousand dollars?

Athousand dollars?

All right, Jen,

just don 't worry abot it.

This whole experience can't

be mired with restrictions.

That would suck.

l feel like l'm having sex

with a traffiic cop .

All right,

l'll be right back.

Stay here,

get more undressed!

This chick ain'ta prostitute,

she's a freakin'thief.

What's going on?

lt's out of money?

You gotta be kidding me!

This has gotta be

some kind ofmistake.

So was youroutfit.

Oh, come on !

Come on !

All right, l gotta go

to anotherATM.

All right. Taxi!

Taxi!

Are yo kidding me?

You dick!

Taxi!

Taxi!

l hope he gets here soon.

l have a bachelor

party at 12.

Mm, l wonderwhat's

taking him so long.

harps

What the world needs

is love, lots more love.

lt's like

that Hendricks song.

The Hendricks?

Hendricks to me, Hendricks?

He said, Let love rule.

That was Lenny Kravitz.

Right. l'm just saying

there's so much hatred.

We need love instead.

Who are you, John Lennon?

Nah, l don't even

like the Stones.

He was in The Beatles.

Eh...

tires screeching

pounding

Wake up!

Bush, Bush is the one

that brought in all the hatred.

You knowwhatl'm saying?

He's-- He's the dumbest thing

l eversaw in my life.

lt's the fiirst

presidentwe have

that l think

l'm smarterthan.

l'm not saying

l'm a genius,

but l cold take this guy

in a Scrabble game, yo know?

pounding

Take him in Scrabble?

You can't take me two blocks

without falling asleep.

Bush is so money hungry

and oil thirsty,

he's the one that's causing

allthese problems.

He really is.

All right, we're here.

All right, dude,

can you wait here?

l'll be right back.

All right,

but the meter's

gonna keep running.

Yeah, not as much

as your moth.

Cabbie?

l can't. l'm waiting

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