One, Two, Many Page #7

---

with othermen, too .

Well, not exactly.

Well, it sounds like

he's gotthe betterend

of the deal, then, huh?

ln fact, l know

he's gotthe better

end ofthe deal.

You wanna hear

my impression of Yoda?

Mm-hmm.

imitating Yoda

Mmm, a Jediyou are.

chuckles

Wanna hearmy impression

of Groverfrom Sesame Street?

Uh-huh.

same voice

Mmm, a Jediyou are.

laughs

You get it?

lt's the same guy.

You get it?

Oh, l'm such an idiot.

Hey, Darla.

Hey.

Hey, when's your

album coming out.

l don't know ,

a couple months,

l guess.

Oh, so exciting.

Yeah.

Yeah, l loved that

last song yo did.

Oh, thank yo .

l think l could sing

the chorus of it.

No.

No. No.

God .

l always thoght l was

a good singer, yo know?

Come on .

You knowwhat, you guys,

let's get out of here.

You want to come back

to my place and

get some drinks?

chuckles Yeah.

Yeah, come on.

Let's go.

laughing

Hey. okay, so, there's

drinks overthere,

there's joints

on the coffee table,

and l'm gonna

go clean up,

and l'll be back.

Man, this is great.

Such a nice place.

God .

So, how cool is this?

A Darla weedings lighter.

l wonderhow much

l could getfor

this on e-bay.

Thomas Burns,

put that back.

Putthat back.

l guess we should

smoke, huh?

lf a gay guy gets

a bartellis in,

is that foreplay?

lt's good forhim.

both laughing

So, Thomas, Jennifer

tells me ofyour

little arrangement.

And it sounds

pretty interesting.

Arrangement?

Yeah, l mean,

l've been wanting to f***

yourgirlfriend all night.

lf thatmeans

l have to f*** you, too,

well, l'll take it.

Really?

You're serios?

Uh-huh.

Do you want to

watch me kiss her?

F*** yeah.

Oh, man.

Whoa .

Oh, my God.

Gracias, mi amigas

Gracias, mi amigas

Gracias, mi amigas

Seven times.

lt's gotta be

some kind of record.

Seven times.

Man, thatwas great.

Man, thatwas great.

God , Darla's so cute.

She's gotthat kick-ass body.

Did ljust say that out loud?

What an idiot!

Oh, TMl!

Did ljust say TMl?

Oh, how gay am l?

Pull over.

What?

What's the matter?

Jen, what's wrong?

Nothing.

What do you mean, nothing?

Something's bothering yo .

Tell me what it is.

You were

all over hertonight.

l mightas well not

have even been there.

Oh, come on , it was--

That's ridiculos.

No, nowyo 're going on

about how hot she is,

and howperfect

her body is.

Jen,just perfect forus.

l mean, you know,

forthe first time

we do this, come on.

l mean, you know,

l was just saying--

l mean, how lucky

did we get

to have the first girl

be this cute?

Do you want

to keep talking?

Really?

No, l'm just saying.

Okay, l'm sorry.

l'm really sorry.

lt's just the first time.

l got excited.

l'm an idiot .

l promise.

Please, don't

make me beg you.

l love you.

l'm an idiot .

l promise, l'm a schmuck.

How do you say

it in Jewish?

l'm a schmuck.

Please, help me out.

Shut up, already.

Shut up, already.

All right,

shut up. Shut up.

So, are you and Jennifer

gonna see Darla again?

We kind of have this rule

that we're only supposed to

be with a girl once,

but Darla was great, man.

A regularpro.

l see.

Howabot yo , Derek?

l mean, do you have a...

...girlfriend?

Well, this isn't

about me, Thomas,

but, no, l haven't

found that special...

...someone as of late.

Well, it's getting to be

about thattime, so...

Hey, um, Darla called.

She wants to

hang out tonight,

maybe get some drinks.

Yes!

What?

Nothing, l'm just having--

You know, some people

in the gym over here.

Really?

l mean, l know it's

breaking rule numberone,

but, um, l don 't mind

if you don 't.

l don't have

a problem with it,

unless, of course, you do.

No, l don't have

a problem with it.

Oh.

Butl told Ernie l'd

meet him fora few drinks.

Oh.

ls it all right ifhe

came fora little while?

Don't worry,

he can't stay long.

Fine.

Yeah, it's been

really hard to have

some serious relationships

while l'm on the road.

Oh.

Who has better

come on lines,

men orwomen?

Well, l really

wouldn't know

'cause l'm too busy

coming on to the women.

laughs

Come on ,

what about the men?

The men?

Uh-huh.

Oh, please.

The men.

God , l don 't think

they really care

about anything else

except their own penis.

Damn, that place

is way too loud.

l couldn't

even hear myself.

You know, my father

was deaf in his right ear,

which is weird,

because that's the ear

he always wanted me

to talk into.

l don't like lod music.

That's how you get tinnitus.

That's a constant

ringing in yourears

that could lead to deafness,

which wold just be awful.

So how does one

get this tinnitus?

Lod music,

ljust told you that.

Aren'tyou listening

to what l'm saying?

Don't worry,

l'm not mad.

l'm a very

forgiving person.

My father

told me l was...

Hey, what's up?

Oh.

Hey, baby.

What's going on?

Am l late?

lt's 10:
00.

No, no, no.

We got here early.

chuckles

How early,

two this afternoon?

Like 8:
30. She got

out of rehearsal early.

Ah. Hey, Darla, this

is my good friend Ernie.

Hi. Hey.

Mm-hmm.

laughs

l'm starved.

Can we getanything to eat?

Oh, well, as to

our conversation,

but theirstomachs

before that.

What?

Nothing, tiger.

No, no, no, what?

No, l gotta go

to the ladies room.

l really gotta go

Gotta go. You wanna come?

l'll come.

Oh, let's go.

See ya.

All right, have fun.

l can't wait to

showher Ernie Junior.

She's hot.

She is.

What's that look?

Nothing.

What?

That guy Ernie's

pretty strange.

He keeps staring at me

with this stupid

smile on his face.

Get the f***

out ofhere.

That's right.

You gotta be kidding.

Nope.

Jesus Christ.

How'd you do that?

Don't ask.

That's every

guy's fantasy,

to bang two chicks

at the same time,

and with a celebrity,

no less!

You lucky bastard.

No, Ern, skill. Skill.

Dude, you gotta

make me a videotape.

Get ot ofhere.

And Jenniferdoesn't

mind thatyou're

giving it to some other

chick at the same time.

No, 'cause she's

having a good time, too .

Wow .

l don't know

what to say.

Well, there's a first.

F***er.

Motherf***er.

So, howyou doin'?

How's the prostitute

parade going?

lt's actually

all right.

What, two forone sale?

l met a nice normal

girl, actually.

Really? Where?

At that Jewish

singles thing.

Great. what happened?

Well, they made everybody go up

and give, like, a speech about

themselves, you know?

So it's my turn

to go up there.

l get up in front

of the whole crowd.

l look over

the f***ing crowd,

and l say...

Yeah, uh, hi, everybody.

My name's Ernest weinberg,

and l got one question.

Where the f***

are the hot chicks at?

This place sucks!

l paid 99 bucks to meet

a bunch of old people

and their parents?

Holy sh*t.

l've seen younger

faces on cash.

Oh, and guys, do yo

want a piece of advice?

You want to get laid?

Lose the f***ing

obnoxious beards.

This sucks.

l don't understand

something, then.

So where'd you

meet the girl?

On the way out.

She's the coat check girl.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes