One, Two, Many Page #8

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Sorry!

Hey.

You're pretty.

There's only

one problem.

She's gota job.

No. worse.

She's gota penis?

She's Catholic.

Yeah?

Yeah, l'm Jewish.

Yeah?

Yeah, so, l can't

get serios

with a Catholic girl,

it goes against

every part of

my religion.

What, and banging

prostitutes doesn't?

l can't bring

a Catholic girl home.

My mom will kill me.

Oh, my God, there yo go

with your motheragain.

What, does she

own yourpenis?

Yes.

Dude, being

a Jew ora Catholic,

it's like being

a Yankee ora Metfan.

The only difference

is where a Yankee fan

could recognize

a good player

like Carlos Delgado

playing forthe Mets,

the Jews can't

appreciate a good player

like Jesus playing

forthe Catholics.

Uh-huh.

l mean, they must be jealous.

l mean, he's yong,

virile, swimmer's body,

can walk on water.

And you know what

really pisses them off?

lt's that he was

once on theirteam.

That's kind oflike

when the Red Sox

got rid of Babe Ruth.

Are yo done?

Dude, do you really believe

Moses parted the Red Sea?

Yes.

lt was lowtide.

You're going to hell.

No, l'm going overthere.

Motherf***er!

moaning

Jennifer, where

are yo going?

Jen! wait up!

Where are you going?

What's the matter?

Oh, here we go again.

Here we go again?

Nowwhat is it?

This is bullshit.

You were all over her.

You don't care

anything aboutme.

Oh, come on , Jen.

Notagain with this.

You knowwhatl think, Thomas?

Being loved just by me

isn't giood enough foryou.

Jen, of course it is.

Come on , willyou

stop it with this?

Look, sweetums,

l love you more

than love itself.

This Darla chick

is nothing mroe to me

than a sperm receptacle.

Sperm receptacle?

You're an a**hole.

Just kidding.

Figure of speech.

Poetic license.

Jen, come on.

Listen, Jen,

you wanted this, too.

As soon as l started

enjoying myself,

you gotta f*** it up.

Oh, here we go

Everything has

to be about you.

Oh, whatare

you talking abot?

You knowwhat, Jen?

You're freaking nuts.

Totally nuts.

And nowyo 're gonna leave.

Howtypical.

Just great. Just great.

l hope one day

you get whatyou want.

Come on , Jennifer!

Give me a break!

l love you?

l don't know , man.

l'm miserable.

l'm freaking out.

l mean, it's been a week.

l can't eat,

l can't think.

l can't even jerk off.

Well, don 't you

see herin the show ?

Nah. Edgar's back

from the cruise.

Unfortunately, his

boat didn't sink.

Well, why don't

you stop by, say hi,

work it out.

Of corse, man.

She's wrong.

l mean, she'd

agreed to doing this.

F***.

You know, Thomas,

you realize yo

ask a lot of her.

l mean, this threesome stuff

is pretty tricky stuff.

Especially with

someone you love.

Thomas, you do know

that she did love you.

l mean, she does love you,

and maybe she just

needs to be assured

that you still

feel the same way about her.

Maybe it's time

that you reach out to her.

l mean, do you

still love her?

l love her

more than anything.

And can you dealwith

just making love to her?

Thomas, don't let her go

Find her.

Sex, it's temporary.

But love, real love,

it's pretty hard to find.

Hey, Thomas.

You gota callback, too?

Congratulations.

Yeah, same with you.

Great, man.

Hey, dude, meet

my new girlfriend.

Maria.

Hi.

Hi, nice to meetyou.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, Thomas,

you're next.

Great. wish me luck.

Dude, dude, dude, dude.

Break a leg

in there, man.

What do you think?

Huh.

She's a tomato, huh?

Yeah, she's great.

What happened

to hereyes?

Umbrella accident.

Howyo doin', man?

You hearfrom Jennifer?

Nah, she's

staying with Tracy.

Hey, what happened

to your mom and her

anti-Catholic position ?

F*** her.

Hey, Tommy,

this is Johnny.

l need you to do

this clown thing

forme one more time.

One last time.

lt's in Long lsland.

l'll even let yo

bothermy father's car.

ljust gotta

work this thing ot

with my girl.

sighs

Great. Thanks for

the job, Johnny.

l'm a freaking

clown again.

Who says clown ain't happy?

So freaking happy.

That and 9 bucks

will get me a

coffee at Starbucks.

Thomas, what,

are yo f***ing nuts?

Why you whining?

Who the hell

are yo ?

l'm yourbetterhalf.

Think of all the gashish

you can get now.

Thomas, go back to her.

She loves you.

You love her.

Forget her.

You f***ed heralready.

Move on.

Thomas, think clearly.

Followyourheart.

Go back to her.

Don't listen to this f*ggot .

He woldn't know

a good piece of ass

if it sat on his face.

His idea of a good time

is playing on

that f***ing

annoying harp all day.

And by the way,

he's a horrible

f***ing harp player.

God had to buy earplugs.

farts

Ooh , that smarts.

Thomas,

think ofJennifer,

think of you.

Shut up, yo f*ggot .

Listen, Thomas,

if he had any pull,

he'd be riding shotgun.

Thomas, think abot it.

This one decision

will be with yo

forthe rest

of yourlife.

Wait. what am l thinking?

l miss Jennifer.

Jesus, l love her.

Who the heck needs

this threesome crap?

You f***ing cocksucker,

bone-smoking f*ggot,

homo piece of sh*t.

Jen?

Jennifermoaning

Oh, God.

What the f*** is this?

What the f***'s

going on here?

Tom ?

Yeah, Tom.

Don't mind me, Jen.

Go head, let Darla finish.

Sh*t.

Jennifer, are you kidding me?

You're f***ing cheating on me?

Ugh.

Cheating on yo ?

She broke up with yo .

Aweek ago

Jen, one f***ing week?

That's all it took to get

overme, one f***ing week?

Look, Tommy,

l'm really sorry.

Can l talk to yo

about this later?

Can l maybe call yo ?

Can you call me?

You're sorry?

You're sorry?

Jen, how can you

do this to me?

What do you wantme to say?

l like being with Darla.

She makes me feel good.

Jen, this doesn't

botheryou in the least?

Are yo that

f***ing heartless?

Heartless?

Give me a break.

Give yo a break?

Howabot all

yourfucking rules?

Don't be with

the same women twice,

don't be with

anyone we know .

Sond familiar,

doesn't it, Jen?

You're f***ing breaking

the rules here, not me.

Tom , l think yo should go.

You think l should go?

Yeah, l'm pretty sure

that's what she said.

You want me to go?

Jen, can't yo see

she's playing

some sick kind of

f***ing game?

l'm playing a game?

l'm playing a game?

You were the one

that wanted to share her

with any girl

that was available.

You know, ifl had her

as a girlfriend,

l would never

share herwith anyone.

Ever.

Jen, this is it?

l thought...

sighs

grunting

stuttering

Hey, Thomas.

This is my friend

Stephanie.

stuttering

Hi, Thomas.

Hey, guys.

Dad, that's him.

That's the guy.

Him?

Yeah.

You gotta be kidding me.

Well, look who it is.

What?

So where do you get off

telling my kid

that you're a warlock,

scaring him halfto death?

The kid can't sleep.

He's been sleeping

in my room every night.

Look, l'm sorry.

Butmaybe if you

teach your kid

to stop picking on kids

with speech impediments--

Hey, look, a**hole,

don't tell me

howto raise my kid.

Dude, don't make me have to

kick yorass again, all right?

Ah! Damn!

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