One Day Page #3

our moment's passed.

Come on, I'm not

expressing myself clearly.

No, no, you are, Dex.

That's the problem.

You're worried I might care.

Hey! Hey, Come back here!

Come back, you little... Hey!

Thieves!

Come back. Come back here.

Wait!

They've stolen my clothes!

You little...

Will someone call the police?

Wait! Come back!

Could you please stop laughing

and do something to help?

Armani, that suit was.

The little frogs even

took my underpants.

Armani?

No, Calvin Klein.

Oh, Dex, I'm so sorry.

Little French bastards!

They took your

plimsolls, too.

They're not plimsolls. I've

never worn plimsolls in my life.

They were penny loafers,

and I bloody loved them!

What? It's not funny.

I'm a victim of crime here.

Dex?

What?

Your Calvin Klein underpants.

I'll find them.

I swear to you,

I shall track them down.

Go to sleep.

I wonder how many

rules we broke.

All of them.

Except Scrabble.

Tomorrow, maybe.

Who says quality TV is dead?

Plenty more of this when we

come back after the break,

so do not go away.

I'm warning you.

We know where you live.

Go on, get out of here.

Look, I just called,

all right, to let you know

that you are the best

friend I've ever had.

I'm touched, Dex, but you're

off your face. And?

Look, it's 5:
00 in

the morning. Go home.

And you have

an incredible body.

Dex!

Is that Dexter?

Just promise me

you'll go home, please?

I will, I will, I will,

I will, I will, I will.

Dex, you have work

in the morning. Dex...

Look, good night, all right?

Remember, you are absolutely,

truly amazing.

Dexter? Dex?

You're amazing

and famous.

I'm not that famous.

Aye, aye.

How are you, old man?

Your mother's upstairs. She's

been waiting all morning for you.

Good God, why are

you sweating like that?

Well, it's a hot day.

No, it's not.

Look, how is she?

Well, why don't you go and see?

Mum?

Hello, hello.

Hello, stranger.

Look, I've got a present for you here.

It's not from me.

It's from Emma.

Here, let me.

Thank you.

Oh, how lovely.

A little ambitious maybe.

You might want to push her

towards short stories in the future.

Mum, don't.

So what have you been up to?

I'm Dexter Mayhew. what a show

we've got for you tonight.

we've got a man who claims...

I'll skip this next bit.

There's an interview

that's pretty good.

Perhaps I'll watch it later.

The live show is

always a bit patchy.

I don't understand why you

have to use that voice,

but then I suppose I just don't

care for this sort of thing.

It's just a bit

of fun for kids.

They just watch it

after the pub.

You mean I'm not drunk enough?

No, it's not that.

You know, honestly, Dexter.

Dancing girls in cages.

Is this what it's come to?

I just host it.

It's a means to an end, that's all.

But to what end?

We always said you could

do anything you wanted.

Fine. What do you

want me to do?

Something good.

It is good.

I just do what I'm told.

Look, this is what I can do.

I'm sorry.

The medication makes me ratty.

I just need a little lie-down.

I'll be better tonight.

Yeah, you know, um...

Actually, I've got

this premiere thingy tonight.

Look, I'm sorry. I can't miss it.

It's Jurassic Park.

I'm afraid I'm going

to need some help.

Are you all right?

Here, put your arm around me.

All right.

All right?

Are you all right?

Yes.

Can I get you anything?

Water? Dry martini?

What time is it?

Quarter past 6:
00.

Yeah, I must have dozed off.

I'm afraid you've missed our day.

Your father's a little

angry with you.

Look, I'll stay tonight.

No. You go.

No pleasure for me watching you

and your father snarling at each other.

Can I speak frankly?

Do you have to?

I think it's my prerogative.

I know that you're going to be a

fine man. Decent, loving, accomplished.

But I don't think

you're there yet.

And right now, well, I worry

that you're not

very nice anymore.

Well, there's

nothing I can say to that.

There is nothing you have to.

I'm not going to

argue with you.

You can come and collect your

car when you're sober.

You're being ridiculous. I mean,

you cannot confiscate my car key.

Do not dare to

insult my intelligence!

Now your mother loves you very much.

You know that.

But for whatever time

she has left to her...

If you ever, ever come to see

your mother in this state again,

I will not let you

in the house.

I will close the door

in your face. Now...

Go.

Fine.

You're not there. I just remembered

you're on a hot date tonight.

I'm too late.

Okay, can you call me

when you get this?

It's just I need

to speak to someone.

Not someone. You.

A chainsaw for an arm.

It was mad.

It's a work of

timeless beauty.

It's the finest of

the trilogy, methinks.

And I still understood it without seeing

Evil Dead I or Evil Dead II.

My only complaint would be that

there wasn't enough violence.

You didn't mind, did you? Or did you

want to see Three Colors: Blue?

I'm gonna skip a starter

because I had those nachos,

but you go ahead. You can

have anything you like.

Anything up to

the value of, say, 14.00?

No, no, seriously,

no, have anything.

Well, you know,

within reason.

It's just so good

to see you again.

And you're going to be

an amazing teacher.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

I wish I'd had more

teachers like you.

Not that I'd have got any

work done. Miss Morley.

You have no new messages.

Comedy's a cruel mistress.

Sometimes, Emma,

I think the only way

I'm going to see

my name up in lights

is if I change it

to Emergency Exit.

Anyway, I'm doing an improvisation

night at the moment.

Mr. Giggles.

Not his real name.

But I think I'm gonna stick to

the more observational material.

I've got this whole

thing at the moment

about the difference

between cats and dogs.

Hey, please stop.

Okay. Do you know

what the hardest thing

about being a stand-up comedian is?

Is it the clothes?

Very good. No.

It's that people expect you

to be on all the time.

Because if you're not being funny,

then what are you being?

Ian, it's not a performance.

Except it sort of is,

though, isn't it?

I've been so excited about

seeing you. Like nervous.

I'm sorry, I...

I'm no good at

this stuff, either.

It's just I graduated today.

I'm finally, actually qualified

to do something useful,

and I wanted to

celebrate with someone.

Was Dexter busy?

Em, when you hear this, can you

just get in a cab? And I'll pay.

Maybe you could even stay over,

you know, on the sofa or something?

I need to just see you.

Please, can you just come over?

Emma Morley?

Hmm?

Can I say something?

Go on.

I think you are

the absolute bollocks.

You, with your honeyed words.

I should probably

head home.

Don't go.

Let's go somewhere else.

I live near, actually. I mean,

it's a dump, like, horrible.

But I've got music and booze.

Or a hot, milky drink

if you prefer.

We could go on

an Ovaltine bender.

All right. Okay.

One, two, three, go!

Which way?

This way, this way,

this way!

Rate this script:3.7 / 3 votes