One Day Page #4

That's not needy.

That's just affection.

I've just got

a lot of love to give.

Well, if I can't call you,

can I come and see you?

Do you know where

the matches are?

No.

You might wanna leave it

for a couple of minutes. Go.

Hi, Miss Morley.

Hi.

There gonna be

a showbiz party afterwards

with champagne, and canaps,

and the tinkle of laughter?

It's a school play, Ian. I suspect

we'll be home by half 9:00.

Why don't you stay at mine for a change?

I'll wash my duvet cover.

Is that your boyfriend,

Miss Morley?

Oy! Cheeky.

Greetings, boys and girls.

Welcome to the Late Night Lock In.

Camera one, Dexter.

The show that is late,

live and loud.

Dexter, gentleman to see you.

Mind the cables, sir.

Hey. Okay, ladies.

I helped myself

to tea and buns.

I hope I'm not going

to get you into trouble.

I'm sure it'll be fine.

There he is! Hey!

Doesn't he look gorgeous?

Come to Suki.

Suki Sue. Come here.

I just want to

eat you up.

Suki, actually,

look, this is my father.

Wotcha, Mr. M.

Isn't your son gorgeous?

Um, he's very nice.

And where's Mrs. M?

Sadly, she passed away.

Barry, I need some water.

What an appalling woman.

Actually, she's sort

of my girlfriend.

Oh, well, congratulations.

Your mother would have

been most impressed.

Thanks, Dad.

I'll be watching at home

if I can stay awake.

Have fun

and don't take any notice of

what they say in the papers.

Okay, sir. If you'd

like to come this way.

Please.

I'm the king of

car crash television.

But you're the king of it.

That's good.

Caption under photo. "Odious."

why can't you come again?

Because I'm working.

I'll send a car to

come and pick you up.

Dex, I can't.

I know, and I'm sorry. I'm just so

much better when you're around.

Look, I'm just worried

I'm gonna be

stood in front of

the camera thinking,

"What's the bloody point?"

The show's ridiculous.

I'm such a fraud, Em.

Hey, come on. That's enough.

You know what you're doing.

You'll be fine.

Right.

Just don't speak

in that weird voice, okay?

Okay.

All right. Bye.

Get ready. Here we go.

Great stuff.

Let's move. Let's move!

Okay, come on, guys. Let's go.

We're on, superstar.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Late Night Lock In.

The show that is late, live...

And loud!

And what a show

we've got for you tonight.

Yay!

Well done, darling.

Thank you.

Come on, Miss Morley.

Bravo!

The Maxi Crew, ladies and gentlemen.

The Maxi Crew.

All right, take a seat, fellas.

Take a seat. You can sit down there.

Right, guys, I just wanna start by

saying that that jam was fresh.

Right, okay, so let's kick it off with...

Let's ask some questions.

what is hip hop? Is this the

voice from the street?

Is this why you guys

are just so angry?

No, dawg.

It's chill,

it's chill, it's chill.

Right, okay. Listen,

can you rap about anything?

For example, could you rap

about a cheese sandwich?

Are you new here?

Have you done this before?

Oh, dear.

Do not try this at home.

Ian?

Do you think you'll

finish painting today?

I'd like to at least

get the TV back inside.

All right, all right.

I can have breakfast first, can't I?

We've had breakfast.

All right, brunch, then.

Brunch. Is it lunch?

Is it breakfast?

No, it's brunch.

What about brinner, say?

Or brupper?

Well, I should get on.

Bearhug, snootch?

I thought we agreed

about snootch?

I can't seem to say anything

right these days, can I?

Look, if you don't

want me to go tonight...

No, you should go.

Or if you wanted

to come with us...

What? Dexter ignoring me, and you

talking over me? No, thank you.

It won't be like that.

Anyway, I've got a gig tonight

at The Rose & Crown,

Sir Laffalots.

Paid gig?

No.

Better get back to it then.

Thirty-four identical essays

on Lord of the Flies.

Em? About 1 700 hours, do you

fancy a little bit of the old...

You know, afternoon delight?

Wow!

You look incredible.

Oh... Ooh!

Let's see the dress.

Is it vintage?

No, it's brand new.

Really?

Mmm.

Well, you look great,

and I love the shoes.

Thank you. It's the world's

first orthopedic high heel.

Look, it's been too long, Em.

I need to have some fun tonight.

Can we have fun, please?

God, sorry.

Look, I'll be two seconds.

It's work.

I'm naked!

Suki, you nutter.

where are you, baby?

I thought you were supposed

to be at the party.

You do know they

damage your brain?

They do not damage

your brain.

How can you tell?

Ha ha, very funny, Em.

I guarantee you, one year, one year,

and you'll have one of these.

You're on. If I ever get a mobile phone,

you can buy me dinner.

What, again?

So, come on.

How's the king of comedy?

Oh, Ian's fine.

We both are.

Are you still

very much in love?

He can belch the theme to The A-Team.

I'm only flesh and blood.

I don't know. These days,

we don't seem to...

And how's the new place?

How's that?

Flat's fine. Well, it's a room

and a half in murder mile.

And Ian's been

talking about painting

the same wall

for the past six months.

But it's got potential. There's a view.

The Gasworks.

You should come round.

Mmm! Mmm.

How's Suki?

Oh, she's fantastic.

Yeah, gorgeous.

What's great for me is that she

really understands the industry.

You know, she knows exactly

what it's like to be...

I was gonna say "famous."

God, we hate the word.

Every time I turn on the telly,

she's there in

a pink rubber catsuit.

She's doing incredibly well.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, we both are.

I've got some really, really

exciting stuff coming up.

It's all sort of in development.

If I told you,

I'd have to shoot you.

Please do.

Never mind.

Start without me, all right?

Hello.

There you are. Enjoy.

What are you doing,

you silly thing?

Well, listen,

we'll talk later.

Look at this.

This looks gorgeous.

Are you all right?

Maybe she could join us?

Hey, hey, hey, what's this?

I'm here to see you, remember?

Right, well,

how's the teaching?

What? If you're not

interested, don't ask.

I am interested.

I just thought you were going to

be writing this novel, that's all.

And I will.

But I have to earn a living.

More to the point, I enjoy it.

I'm a bloody good teacher, Dexter.

I'm sure you are.

Still, you know what they say?

No, what do they say?

You know, "Those who can..."

No, I'm sorry. I'm not familiar.

Finish the sentence.

All right.

Well, "Those who can, do,

"and those who can't, teach."

And those who can teach say,

"Go f*** yourself!"

Em! Em, come on. Look, whatever

I've done, I'm sorry.

You've obviously

had a bit too much to drink.

No, you're drunk!

You're drunk!

Do you realize that I have literally

not seen you sober for three years?

Nipping off to the toilet

every 10 minutes.

Either you're on coke,

or you've got dysentery.

Either way, it's boring! Banging on

about yourself all the time.

Well, I wouldn't mind, Dex, but

you're a TV presenter, all right?

You've not invented penicillin.

All you do is stand around shouting,

"Make some noise!"

Rate this script:3.7 / 3 votes